(2006-10-23) — Sen. Barack Obama, the presumptive 2008 Democrat presidential nominee came under attack today from his own party when Democrats in the Senate introduced a bill that would force him to share his abundant charisma with his colleagues.

“Democrats never like to see an uneven distribution of the good things of life,” said one senate aide who helped to write the legislation. “Sen. Obama has more than his fair share of charisma, while so many senate Democrats go without. It’s not right for so much charm and personality to be in the hands of so few.”

Under the terms of the measure, Sen. Obama’s charisma would be redistributed “to each Democrat senator according to his need.”

(2006-10-23) — With polls showing Republicans could lose control of Congress after the November elections, Capitol Hill physicians have been swamped with Democrats reporting symptoms of optimism, a condition almost unknown among their people.

Eli Lilly, the maker of the anti-depressant drug Prozac, annouced today that sales in the Washington D.C. region have plunged in the weeks since former Rep. Mark Foley, R-FL, stepped down in the wake of scandal involving lurid emails to Congressional pages. And each time CNN announces a new body count plateau for American troops in Iraq, the company said, Prozac sales in the D.C. area dip again.

“Our core customer base in this area is rapidly vanishing,” said an unnamed Lilly spokesman.

“However, longterm prospects for Prozac look bright,” he added, “since optimism is an acute condition among Democrats, not chronic.”

“They’re only optimistic about winning and about power,” he said. “Even if they sweep in November, their view of America’s future will lead them right back to the pharmacist, but this time they’ll have long coat-tails, bringing much of America with them.”

“For the anti-depressant industry,” he added, “a Democrat-controlled Congress means happy days are here again.”

EXTRA: Rush Limbaugh reads ScrappleFace story [Download mp3: 2.1MB, 1:27 sec.] on 10/23/2006 during first hour.

(2006-10-21) — House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, and Rep. John Murtha, D-PA, today issued a joint statement calling on terrorist groups and armed militias to pull out of Iraq, or at least begin a “phased redeployment.” They also called for sanctions against any nation that harbors or funds those terrorists.

Until this week, the Democrat leaders had been calling on the U.S. to retreat from Iraq, but today Rep. Pelosi said, “it suddenly occured to us that the terrorists and so-called insurgents are the aggressors.”

“We realized that if the U.S. pulls out,” she said, “the shooting, bombing and beheading continues. But if the terrorists leave, or if their funding dries up, then the fighting stops and we can build a lot more schools, clinics, water purification systems and electrical generation plants.”

Standing with the California lawmaker at a news conference, Rep. Murtha, a former Marine, unveiled what he called “our new Democrat vision for Iraq to become a country that can defend, sustain and govern itself, a country which will serve as an ally in this war on terror.”

“We got to thinking, Nancy and me, that the old Democrat vision of a U.S. pullout would have created a safe haven and base of operations for al Qaeda to launch its global jihad,” said Rep. Murtha. “and it would have sent a message to those seeking freedom in the Arab world that we think they don’t deserve to be free or can’t govern themselves democratically.”

Asked whether this new position wouldn’t just play into the hands of Republicans three weeks before a national election, a clearly agitated Rep. Pelosi said, “We’re talking about a global conflict that threatens our civilization, and you’re asking about politics?”

“We’re Americans,” she added, “and our sons and daughters are dying to bring freedom to Iraq and that whole region of the world. Any nation or group that buys bullets and bombs to blow up our kids is, by definition, our sworn enemy. You can’t compromise or negotiate with people like that. We must defeat them.”

(2006-10-21) — Sen. Rick Santorum, R-PA, trailing in the polls behind Democrat Bob Casey, Jr., the son of a popular former Pennsylvania governor, will attempt to beat his opponent at his own game by changing his name to George Washington Jr.

“Name recognition is everything,” said an unnamed Santorum campaign aide, “If Bob Casey Jr. can ride the good name of his Dad, then Sen. Santorum can use President Washington’s name the same way.”

A spokesman for the Casey campaign said “this just demonstrates Santorum’s desperation. Rick Santorum has nothing to run on but his record, his conservative credentials, his proven work ethic, his in-depth knowledge of the Senate and his sharp intellect.”

(2006-10-21) — North Korean President Kim Jong-Il today reportedly told Chinese diplomats that he regrets his government’s recent detonation of a nuclear device, and he revealed that he had been molested as a child.

“President Kim is sorry, and he takes full responsibility for the atomic bomb test,” said an unnamed Chinese source, “but in the spirit of transparency and vulnerability, he wants people to know about the childhood molestation incident.”

The North Korean leader has reportedly checked himself into a rehab center to “heal his inner child and boost his self-esteem,” but a spokesman said he is not ashamed to come out of the closet as a fascist dictator.

“A lot people are going to trot out the old myths that fascist dictators are dangerous to society,” said the spokesman. “But short of a few isolated genocides and unprovoked invasions, there’s little evidence to substantiate that claim. It’s time to move past recriminations over the nuclear test, and let bygones be bygones.”

(2006-10-19) — With Republican electoral prospects dimming by the hour, Congressional Democrats today offered to forego “the embarrassment of counting the votes” from the upcoming national elections, but to let the GOP keep some of its seats in the House and Senate.

“It’s kind of like an out-of-court settlement,” said presumptive House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-CA. “We’ll let our friends across the aisle avoid the humiliation of a public thrashing by our strong, attractive Democrat candidates, but we’ll demonstrate mercy by conceding a few seats, so that Republicans have at least a token voice in national affairs.”

An unnamed spokesman for the Republican National Committee (RNC) called the Democrat offer “gracious”, and said the two parties were negotiating over when and where Interim House Speaker Dennis Hastert, R-IL, will give the concession speech.

Republicans have staggered in recent weeks under a barrage of painful publicity ranging from plunging fuel prices, to record stock market closes, to the Bush administration’s failure to produce inflation despite growing employment, reduced tax rates and soaring tax revenues.

Meanwhile, Democrats ride a wave of public adoration due to the party’s clear, positive vision for protecting the civil rights of foreign terrorists, retreating from Iraq so that rival Muslim sects can work out their differences without American interference, and restoring the Clinton era “spirit of cooperation” with North Korea.

While some critics have suggested that both parties wait until the American people speak at the ballot box before declaring winners and losers, Rep. Pelosi called that kind of thinking “a quaint relic of ancient history, made obsolete by political pollsters and media pundits.”

“After all,” she said, “just because we’re the Democrat party doesn’t mean we have to be slavishly democratic. Some things are better decided by a few smart people behind closed doors.”

(2006-10-18) — A new Brookings Institution study that shows an inverse relationship between math skills and student self-esteem is “just plain wrong,” according to an overnight poll of the nation’s largest teacher’s union.

The study found that Japanese and Korean students excel in math despite their lack of confidence in their own abilities, while American kids feel great about their abilities but have much lower skills according to tests.

But the survey of National Education Association (NEA) members shows that “five out of four teachers find fault with the data.”

“It just doesn’t add up,” said an unnamed NEA spokesman. “We’ve spent three decades of the last 20 years teaching kids that their self-esteem and happiness are unrelated to their academic competence. The overwhelming minority of them now feel really happy about math.”

The NEA spokesman said the comparatively-low standardized test scores of American children “simply prove that test designers don’t know how to measure what really counts.”

The teacher opinion poll has a margin of error of plus or minus 34 percent, “but that’s okay,” the spokesman said, “because the pollsters did their personal best.”

(2006-10-18) — In a proactive move designed to “shock and awe” North Korean President Kim Jong-Il, the United Nations Security Council today deployed a preemptive resolution condemning that nation’s upcoming second nuclear weapons test.

“You can’t wait until you see a mushroom cloud over Tokyo or Los Angeles before you take decisive action,” said one unnamed council member. “You need to get the right words on paper, and get all the Council members to agree on them in advance to anticipate a nuclear test or attack.”

The new resolution levies “severe sanctions” on North Korea, including potential loss of executive washroom privileges for the North Korean ambassador to the U.N., and limits to previously-bottomless beverages at U.N. dining facilities.

Although the preemptive resolution garnered a 15-0 vote at the Council, the Chinese ambassador said he might allow his North Korean colleague to use his washroom key in an emergency.

China also blocked language in the measure that would have restricted North Korean access to certain items at the “all you can eat” U.N. buffet.

(2006-10-18) — Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-NY, this week acknowledged that she was not named after Sir Edmund Hillary, the first to conquer Mount Everest, but insisted that she did get her last name from a former U.S. president.

The senator’s campaign spokesman explained that the Edmund Hillary legend was simply “a sweet family story” that her mother, Dorothy Rodham, would tell to inspire greatness in her daughter, and to teach the future senator “the value of a flexible, results-oriented approach to truth.”

The New York Times printed a correction yesterday, noting that the mountain climber was an unknown beekeeper when Mrs. Clinton was born, six years before he climbed Everest.

“It’s fair to say that Sen. Clinton might not have become what she is today without the false but meaningful inspiration she drew from her mother’s loving deception,” said campaign spokesman Jennifer Hanley. “In many ways, bearing the Clinton name has provided similar inspiration to her.”

(2006-10-15) — With polls showing that Republicans could lose their majority in Congress in November, the GOP-controlled House and Senate yesterday voted to move the national date for Congressional elections to March 15, 2007.

“The November date, we felt, was setting an unreasonable timeline,” said House Speaker Dennis Hastert, R-IL. “With elections in March, we’ll have time to get out the Republican message of small government, lean budgets, strong borders, and aggressive action against terrorists and governments who harbor them.”

Rep. Hastert said it would also give the Republicans time to actually reduce the size and influence of the federal government, cut the budget and to secure the borders.

“It’s always nice to have something to show behind your talking points,” Rep. Hastert said. “It would provide a clear contrast with the Democrats.”

Asked if the unprecedented measure might raise Constitutional issues, Mr. Hastert said, “Hey, we’re the majority. We can do whatever we want. We passed the Medicare prescription drug bill, didn’t we?”