(2006-08-15) — Now that President George Bush has declared Hezbollah defeated by its acceptance of the terms of a U.N. cease fire in Lebanon, the United States today will press the Security Council to grant it a similar ‘victory’ over al Qaeda.

The U.S. proposal would call for “an end to the violence” between al Qaeda and its enemies around the world, including the U.S., and the creation of a 15-mile buffer zone, manned by U.N. troops, around every nation that al Qaeda chief Usama bin Laden wishes to destroy.

Like this week’s agreement that brought “a just and lasting peace” between Israel and Hezbollah, the ‘War on Terror Cease Fire’ proposal will allow al Qaeda to keep its weapons and supply channels intact, and to escape punishment for its previous acts of aggression and murder.

“This will teach the Islamic terrorists a lesson,” according to an unnamed State Department source who worked through the night crafting a resolution acceptable to both al Qaeda and its enemies. “If you attack us, kidnap our soldiers, blow up our towns and murder our people, you will pay a price. These cease fires will cause significant delays in the radical Muslims’ plan to rule the world. It’s a major hassle for them that sends a clear signal.”

(2006-08-14) — As part of its ongoing crackdown on internal dissent, the Islamic Republic of Iran today briefly shut down a weblog recently launched by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Sources close to the Council of Guardians that oversees the government said the Ahmadinejad blog turned up on a Google search of Iranian-based blogs that mention the Iranian president, triggering the standard shut-down order.

A spokesman for Mr. Ahmadinejad said he fully supports the Council’s efforts “to ensure that public discourse is pure and unadulterated by unauthorized free speech.”

“The Council, as always, did the right thing,” according to a statement from the president’s office. “I’m just glad my blog is back online in time to receive the prophesied InstaLanche.”

(2006-08-10) — The British Parliament, in a rapid response to a terror plot foiled by Scotland Yard yesterday, announced formation of a study panel today to determine why some Muslims hate airplanes.

Early reports indicate 21 men have been taken into custody in connection with a plan to take down an unknown number of U.S.-bound passenger jets originating in Great Britain.

The expert panel will examine various theories about why airplanes engender such hatred among devoted followers of a peaceful religion.

“Is it the horrendous noise? The speed? The condensation trails?” said one unnamed source close to the panel, listing some of the areas of inquiry the experts plan to pursue. “Because if it’s any of those things, we can get to work on engineering changes to make airplanes more tolerable to our Muslim brothers.”

(2006-08-07) — President George Bush today announced that if he is chosen in tomorrow’s Connecticut primary as the Democrat candidate for the U.S. Senate, he will not run.

The pullout sent shock waves through the campaign of senatorial candidate Ned Lamont, who has mounted vigorous opposition to Mr. Bush.

“We’re not really sure what Ned should say in his stump speech now,” said one unnamed adviser. “Without George Bush to kick around, our momentum is gone.”

Democrat strategists said the withdrawal of Mr. Bush could leave an opening for incumbent Sen. Joe Lieberman to mount an 11th-hour campaign.

“Natures hates a vacuum,” said one anonymous source. “With Bush out, the Connecticut senate seat is back in play.”

(2006-08-05) — In what his opponent called a “cynical last-ditch ploy” to win the August 8 Democrat senatorial primary, Sen. Joe Lieberman today endorsed the establishment of a Muslim caliphate and the creation of a vast Islamic homeland in the middle east, including the territory now occupied by the state of Israel.

The Connecticut senator, an historic ally of Israel and of the Bush administration’s war on Islamist terror, said he changed his views when he saw the latest poll that shows challenger Ned Lamont with a double-digit lead just days before the election.

“I declare that Israel has no right to exist,” said Sen. Lieberman, “and the United Nations should immediately recognize Usama Bin Laden as the sovereign ruler of all the land and people from Iran to Egypt.”

A unnamed source at the Democrat National Committee said he expects the race to tighten considerably now that voters must choose between two “party-line Democrats.”

(2006-08-05) — A troika of former Soviet leaders offered words of encouragement today to Fidel Castro as he continues his miraculous recovery from serious abdominal surgery while his brother Raul is so busy running the government he can’t make public appearances.

Leonid Brezhnev, Yuri Andropov and Konstanin Chernenko issued the joint communique urging Mr. Castro to brush off rumors that his condition is worse than officially reported.

“Ignore the idle chatter and grave speculation,” the former Soviet leaders said. “If we had listened to the voice of the people, we would never be where we are today.”

Indeed, the Cuban dictator apparently felt well enough this morning that his spokesman was able to issue an official statement saying Mr. Castro is making a strong recovery and that his brother Raul is “fully, totally and completely in charge of the government 24/7.”

In related news, the official U.S. News Agency released a brief statement saying President John F. Kennedy is “on the mend” after a “small arms fire incident in Dallas” and that, in the interim, Secretary of State Alexander Haig is fully in command.

(2006-08-04) — If Sen. Joe Lieberman should lose the Connecticut Democrat primary to Ned Lamont on August 8, strategists say the Republican party will be hardest hit.

“Lieberman holds one of the most important positions in the GOP,” said one unnamed Republican National Committee official (RCN). “Joe is the go-to guy for conservatives who want to show that they’re not just bitter partisans who hate all liberals. We all like him. He doesn’t shout over us on talk shows. When we say, ‘Some of my best friends are Democrats’, we’re really just talking about Joe.”

Since the retirement of Democrat Sen. Zell Miller, of Georgia, Sen. Lieberman has been the GOP’s “official, token, reasonable Democrat” and experts said it’s not clear who qualifies to inherit his mantle.

“There’s a lot of jockeying behind the scenes,” said the anonymous source. “But no one’s willing yet to come out publicly and say, ‘I love Sean Hannity and I want to be on his show twice a month.’”

(2006-08-03) — United Nations Deputy Secretary-General Mark Malloch Brown, who recently suggested that Hezbollah is not a terrorist organization, today proposed that the Lebanon-based group be granted an honorary seat on the U.N. Security Council as a precursor to full U.N. membership.

“We need to think outside the box, and get fresh perspectives” said Mr. Malloch Brown. “Who is a terrorist anyway? And what is a nation? These are artificial labels made by men to pigeon-hole and stereotype others. I think the Security Council could learn a lot from Hezbollah-style diplomacy.”

Mr. Malloch Brown said that since Hezbollah is not a terrorist organization, it should be “invited join the U.N. with all the other peace-loving nations that have gathered in New York to thwart the designs of Zionists and crusaders.”

(2006-08-01) — Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter today downplayed rumors that he’s on “the short list” of potential replacements if surgery fails to restore the health of ailing Cuban dictator Fidel Castro.

Mr. Carter dismissed as “mere coincidence” that his Op-Ed piece critical of the Bush administration’s foreign policy appeared in The Washington Post the same day that news broke of Mr. Castro’s surgery and temporary transfer of power to his brother Raoul.

But an unnamed source close to the icon of progressive social policy said, “no one in Cuba has the necessary charisma to fill Fidel’s shoes, and no one in the world has demonstrated a greater affinity for Castro’s vision of a progressive social order coupled with a consistent record of working to diminish U.S. power and influence abroad.”