(2006-05-20) — ‘The Da Vinci Code‘ has finally forced Pope Benedict XVI to release a statement admitting that the Bible contains a “veiled mystery unknown to most of the world.”

Film critics this week publicly acknowledged the release of the Ron Howard movie, based on the best-selling Dan Brown novel that blurs the line between fiction and entertainment.

Under pressure from theologians in the news media, a Vatican spokesman today admitted that the Holy Scriptures contain a hidden code, known only to a relative handful of insiders.

“Even many faithful church attenders have not yet unlocked the secret,” said the unnamed Vatican source. “Although it lies in plain sight, to understand it you must have the ability to decode a sequence of ancient letters, arranged in phonetic patterns that follow a specific grammatical template.”

When asked how an outsider with no expertise in cryptology could break the code and comprehend the secret, the Pope’s spokesman said, “To reveal the mystery, first lift the cover of the Bible. Then carefully examine all the text on the first page. Slowly turn the page. Repeat the process until the mystery becomes plain.”

(2006-05-19) — Just hours after approving two amendments that would make English the “national language” of the U.S. without affecting any of the millions of government documents now printed in Spanish, the Senate today voted 58-39 to declare English “the official muffin of Congress.”

“With lots of nooks and crannies to hold the melted butter,” the new amendment reads, “the English muffin has come to symbolize the glory of the Congressional lawmaking process.”

While conservative critics noted that “the English muffin is not a muffin at all in the traditional sense,” a coalition of Democrats and progressive Republicans managed to push the measure through.

When asked what effect the amendments would have on President George Bush’s comprehensive immigration reform proposal, one unnamed Senate Republican said simply, “Toast. Rye toast.”

(2006-05-13) — In an effort to find middle ground in the debate over illegal immigration, President George Bush followed last night’s nationally-televised speech with an announcement this morning that the U.S.-Mexican border would be moved up to Missouri.

Under the president’s plan, the new southern boundary of the United States roughly follows the path of Interstate 70, which in Missouri runs from Kansas City to St. Louis. The new line extends to the east through the middle of Washington D.C., and meets the Pacific coast just north of San Francisco.

An unnamed White House spokesman said the plan will relieve the pressure along the current 2,000 mile Mexican border by adding another thousand miles to it.

According to the source, “The president believes the new middle-ground border demonstrates that the United States can be a lawful society and a welcoming society at the same time.”

In an effort to calm conservative Republicans, the president also announced that the new boundary would be under constant satellite surveillance and that border patrol agents would receive enforcement assistance from a fleet of B-2 Stealth bombers out of Whiteman Air Force Base in Knob Noster, Missouri.

(2006-05-15) — As President George Bush prepared to address the nation tonight on the subject of immigration, an unnamed member of the White House press corps discovered a discarded, handwritten draft of the speech in a waste basket near the Oval Office.

The White House refused to authenticate or disavow the document, which only served in increase the credibility of the text among journalists.

The following is the alleged text of the president’s immigration speech:

Good evening my fellow Americans, and those of you from other lands who are pursuing U.S. citizenship legally. Tonight I’ve come to praise immigration, not to bury it.

This nation was built through the blood and toil of restless refugees yearning to breathe free. Our canvas has been painted in a thousand shades of humanity. Our national language reverberates with the sweet song of innumerable accents. It’s a vibrant symphony that brings unity from diversity.

We are a nation of laws, not of men. That’s what sets us apart from the monarchies, dictatorships and democracies-in-name-only. Our Republic was founded to protect the weak from the strong, and to defend the rights of the individual in his person and property.

Americans remember where we came from, and so we’re a merciful people. America is the land of second chances.

And so, if you sneaked into our great country-like a thief in the night-to take for yourself the benefits of citizenship without bearing the burdens that come with that high position, I have a message for you tonight.

On behalf of all legal U.S. citizens past, present and future, let me say this: ‘Get off of our land. Get out of our country. We’re giving you a second chance to do the right thing.’

If you have difficulty locating the exits, just ask any legal U.S. citizen and he’ll show you the door. If you linger too long, you’ll get an armed escort.

Once you have returned to your country of origin, you may apply to re-enter the United States legally.

It’s inconvenient. It’s slow. It will cost you. But as millions of naturalized citizens will tell you, it’s worth the wait to wake up each morning, to take a deep breath of freedom, and to hold in your heart the meaning of that old song: “This is my country. Land of my choice.”

God bless you as you start your new life in the bright sunshine of legal freedom.

And God bless the United States of America.

(2006-05-12) — In an effort improve his sagging popularity in Mexican public opinion polls, President George Bush today reassured his Mexican counterpart that his move to place more National Guard units at the border is actually intended to keep illegal aliens from escaping the U.S.

With Congress moving toward heavier penalties for undocumented workers and their employers, President Bush reportedly told Mexican President Vicente Fox that the U.S. government will do all it can to “retain the people who do the jobs no one else will do.”

In a 15-minute phone call to Mr. Fox, President Bush reiterated his commitment to immigration reform that would ensure the right of Mexicans to “run away from your pathetic third-world dump, without restricting the flow of U.S. dollars that prop up your alleged government.”

The White House said moving more National Guard units to the border would shore up the president’s conservative Republican base.

“They always like to see military deployments,” an unnamed White House spokesman said, “and since most members of Congress never visit the border, they won’t realize that our troops are facing north.”

(2006-05-12) — Concerned that the National Security Agency (NSA) may have violated the civil liberties of Americans by analyzing records of millions of phone calls to detect patterns that might indicate terrorist activity, a bipartisan coalition in Congress today will unveil legislation to scrap the NSA and replace it with a more ‘transparent’ spy agency.

According to language in the measure, the new intelligence unit, dubbed Open-Source Intelligence (OSI), will “harness the power of the internet to protect the right of the American people to know how their spy dollar is spent.”

“There’s nothing like sunshine to ensure accountability,” said an unnamed Congressional aide who spoke in exchange for a lobster dinner, a fine chianti and a $12 Macanudo cigar. “Just because the enemy is among us, using our telecommunications infrastructure to plot the next major attack, doesn’t mean the government can sneak around doing secret stuff simply to save a few thousand, or million, lives. We have rights.”

Under the terms of the bill, the OSI website will include a list of all covert agents, with photos, home addresses, email links and IM screennames. As the OSI gathers data, it will be accessible in real-time through the website to “premium subscribers,” but even non-members will be able to view the aggregated data, and listen to brief, sample clips of legally intercepted phone calls.”

(2006-05-10) — While the White House officially denies it, unnamed sources close to anonymous insiders at the State Department report they have seen the text of President George Bush’s response to an 18-page letter sent by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad earlier this week.

Mr. Ahmadinejad’s letter chided and rebuked the U.S. President for a litany of alleged misconduct, and sought to find common ground with the Christian Mr. Bush in a shared belief in monotheism. The Iranian leader largely side-stepped the issue of uranium enrichment, noting that all nations had a right to scientific and technological progress.

According to notes taken by those who saw it, here is President Bush’s response:

Dear Mahmoud,
Thanks for taking the time to write your thoughtful letter. I appreciate you educating me about history, geography, democracy, military strategy, geopolitics, science, technology and theology, since these weren’t my favorite subjects in school.

I’d appreciate it if you would read my letter on TV to your 68 million citizens to help us both forge a bond of peace, grounded in our shared monotheism.

In your 18-page letter, you asked me more than 63 questions.

The answer is ‘No’.

Now, let me ask you a few questions.

1) When you’re alone in a room by yourself, what do you all talk about?
2) How many moons can you see from your planet?
3) Roughly how long will it be before your mothership returns?

Take your time. Feel free to use the back of the paper to record your answers.

Sincerely,
George W. Bush, POTUS

(2006-05-09) — Rep. Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, the presumptive Speaker of the House, today unveiled the fruit of six years labor by the Democrat National Committee to craft a cohesive vision for America that will carry her party to victory in November.

The new vision should help the Democrat party overcome the public perception that it’s little more than a loose-knit coalition of special interests — labor unions, civil rights groups and abortion-rights advocates — each devoted exclusively to its own narrow agenda.

“The Democrat party is a big tent,” said Speaker-in-waiting Pelosi, “But at the center of that tent is one tall and mighty pole. It represents who we are, and where we’re going. It’s the essence of what it means to be a Democrat.”

Rep. Pelosi, who temporarily serves as House Minority Leader, said the Democrat party’s vision is like coffee, “it gives you the serenity to dream it and the vitality to do it.”

“The new Democrat vision,” she said, “brings together people with words, and those words form sentences and the sentences paint a picture, and that picture is what America can be if her people devote themselves to the vision.”

Asked to map out her first 100 days as Speaker of the House under the new Democrat vision, Rep. Pelosi said, “First, we impeach Bush. Everything else flows from that.”

(2006-05-08) — Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s private letter to U.S. President George Bush proposing ‘new solutions‘ was also inadvertently emailed to Mr. Ahmadinejad’s ‘buddy list’, and so reached several major American news organizations yesterday.

It’s the first time since the 1979 revolution, that an Iranian leader has initiated direct contact with the President of the United States.

Below is a translation of the letter:

To: George Bush, president of the Great Satan, puppet of Zionists
Fr: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of peaceful Islamic Republic of Iran
Re: Recent tensions

Sorry it’s been so long. It hardly seems like 26 years since we held 52 Americans hostage for 444 days. Well, enough nostalgia.

Listen, I have some new ideas for how to end the tensions over our little nuclear energy project, and your crusade to let the Zionists take over the Muslim world.

I had a brainstorming session with the Guardian Council, and we came up with a lot of great solutions. But I know you’re busy putting down a Republican rebellion and trying to pull your approval rating out of the toilet (LOL), so I’ll just give you our top five ‘new solutions’.

5) Wipe Israel off the face of the map. Replace with goat ranch.
4) U.S. buys Iranian oil. I make threatening statements causing uncertainty in petroleum markets. We use the windfall profits to pay Russia to help us make nuclear devices, and to pay China to stop U.N. sanctions. U.S. continues to buy Iranian oil.
3) Get U.N. to adopt ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy regarding uranium enrichment.
2) Put Zionists in boxcars. Send back to Europe. Replace Israel with goat ranch.
1) U.S. joins global Muslim Caliphate, ensuring peace and bountiful supplies of enriched uranium for all of Allah’s people.

Feel free to choose more than one solution.

I know you have a lot on your plate — what with the threat of Nancy Pelosi becoming Speaker of the House — but try to get back to me quickly so we can get implementation on a fast track.

Yours in Peace,
Mahmoud

(2006-05-05) — The 1966 Supreme Court Miranda ruling could face its toughest challenge to date during the fall court session when Justices will consider revising the famous “you have the right to remain silent” litany with a new set of statements known as the “Kennedy Warnings.”

The case springs from an incident this week in which Capitol Hill police allegedly were prevented by their superiors from administering a field sobriety test to Rep. Patrick Kennedy, D-RI, son of Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, D-MA, when the younger Kennedy staggered from his car after narrowly avoiding collision with a police cruiser and crashing into a barricade.

Rep. Kennedy said he had not been drinking alcohol, but was impaired by prescription medications which made him think he had to rush to Congress for a 2:45 a.m. vote.

Police did not run a breathalyzer test, did not arrest the Congressman, and simply gave him a ride home.

An attorney for the American Drunkards Association (ADA) hailed the case as “great leap forward in providing real justice to a people who have faced years of discrimination at the hands of police just because of who they are.”

When the Supreme Court convenes in October, it will consider rewriting the Miranda Warnings to conform to the more progressive treatment Rep. Kennedy received.

The following is a draft excerpt of the new Kennedy Rights:

1. You have the right to remain silent and refuse to answer questions. Do you understand? If so, stagger randomly.
2. Anything you do say will be ignored and quickly forgotten, because you’re not yourself right now. Do you understand? If so, let your chin drop suddenly to your chest?
3. You have the right to consult a public relations firm before speaking to the police, and to have your PR spokesman present during questioning now or in the future. Do you understand? If so, say: ‘My umbersmand.’
4. If you cannot afford a public relations firm, one will be appointed for you before any questioning if you wish. Do you understand? If so, allow your eyeballs to roll back in their sockets.
5. Knowing and understanding your rights as I have explained them to you, are you willing to answer my questions without a public relations expert present? If you say ‘Yes’ or ‘No’, or make any sound at all, or say nothing, we will respect your right to remain silent and we’ll give you a ride home.