(2006-01-18) — Democrat National Committee Chairman Howard Dean today unveiled a four-point plan to rid Congress of the “Republican culture of corruption” by creating a “level playing field” for all citizens regardless of economic class.

In contrast with the GOP reform bill offered yesterday by House Speaker Dennis Hastert, R-IL, the Democrat measure would not attempt to reduce lobbyist-funded trips, meals or gifts, but rather it would “allow every American to wield the kind of influence that got Jack Abramoff the star treatment on Capitol Hill.”

Mr. Dean said the measure, dubbed the Honest Open Government act includes the following provisions:
- Establishment of a $12 billion political influence fund, financed through a progressive usage tax on heat, light, oxygen and friction.
- Means testing to determine which citizens cannot already afford to make influential political contributions
- Regular distribution of Influence Stamps to all entitled citizens.
- Redemption of Influence Stamps at any Congressional office in exchange for personal or political favors.

The DNC chairman said he expects the Honest Open Government act will not only make lawmakers more responsive to their constituents, “but also might increase the number of people willing to devote their lives to public service.”

(2006-01-18) — Yesterday’s 6-3 Supreme Court ruling that blocks the federal government from using an anti-drug law to punish physicians who prescribe fatal doses of medication to suicidal patients, also updates the high court’s Roe v. Wade decision.

The modification to the 1973 ruling, which made abortion legal, draws from Oregon’s assisted-suicide law to require that doctors get a second opinion, and written authorization from the soon-to-be-deceased patient before performing an abortion.

“Far be it from the Supreme Court ever to usurp the right of the people to rule themselves through their state legislatures,” Justice Anthony M. Kennedy wrote for the majority in Gonzales v. Oregon (PDF), rebuking the U.S. Justice Department. “Therefore, we simply endorse the wisdom of the citizens of Oregon in protecting the right of self-determination for people near the end of life, and we now apply the same legal logic to people near the start of life.”

The court left implementation to state legislatures, however, Justice Kennedy wrote, “if the physician cannot immediately secure permission from a fetus to carry out the intra-uterine assisted suicide, prudence dictates that a beating heart signals a bias for life.”

(2006-01-18) — Random House today announced it had signed two major political figures to record an audio book version of Margaret Mitchell’s classic Civil War novel ‘Gone with the Wind.’

Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-NY, who celebrated Martin Luther King Day this year with remarks that likened the U.S. House to a “plantation” under Republican rule, will record the fictional story of love and war with former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who once said he was leading a “slave rebellion” against the Democrat plantation.

An unnamed Random House spokesman called the Clinton-Gingrich pairing, “a match made in heaven between two people who share a passion for vigorous historical analogy as well as health care reform.”

Sen. Clinton she said she’s currently too busy to contemplate the work and time required to record the massive novel.

“I can’t think about that right now,” she said. “If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow.”

Mr. Gingrich, a rumored candidate for president in 2008, showed little concern over criticism from conservatives that he has grown “too cozy” with Sen. Clinton, viewed by many as the Democrat party’s presumptive presidential nominee.

“Frankly,” said Mr. Gingrich, “I don’t give a … moment’s thought to my critics.”

Random House said both politicians would donate their portions of the proceeds to an NAACP fund established “to combat the trivialization of slavery.”

(2006-01-17) — In a further clarification of yesterday’s remarks that a rebuilt New Orleans would be a “chocolate” city, Mayor Ray Nagin today said he’s planning to recruit Hershey Foods to establish a candy manufacturing plant in the hurricane-ravaged region.

The Democrat mayor’s latest clarification builds on yesterday’s explanation that his remarks are not racist because chocolate is made with dark chocolate and white milk forming “a delicious drink.”

“We’re in the very, very early stages of discussions with Hershey,” Mr. Nagin said, “It’s still in the pre-meeting, pre-phone call stage. But that’s what this chocolate city concept is all about. It’s literally chocolate, rather than chocolate as a metaphor for something else. It’s edible chocolate. It really is.”

The mayor said he’s long been intrigued by the possibility of transitioning New Orleans’ economy from one “reliant upon fickle fads in human debauchery” to something more stable, like chocolate.

“Ever since I saw the movie Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I’ve thought, ‘That’s New Orleans’,” Mayor Nagin said. “and I thought, ‘I’m Willy Wonka’. ”

Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-NY, who yesterday told a group of African-Americans that Republicans have run the House of Representatives like “a plantation”, said she would help Mayor Nagin secure federal funding to turn the Louisiana Gulf coast into “a chocolate version of Silicon Valley.”

(2006-01-17) — Former Vice President Al Gore, who won the popular vote in the 2000 presidential election, yesterday made another in a series of speeches condemning the man he beat, President George Bush, and made a surprise announcement that he would add movie acting to his already diverse resume.

Mr. Gore told a tri-partisan gathering of political activists that he’s been cast in the lead role of Ang Lee’s sequel to ‘Brokeback Mountain’, the Golden Globe-winning cowboy adultery story.

An unnamed spokesman for Mr. Lee said the film, ‘Brokerecord Mountain’, “will tell the heartbreaking story of a man’s love for the sound of his own voice, and his futile crusade to convince others to love it as well.”

So far, no one else has been cast for the movie, according to the source, adding that “perhaps we shouldn’t have announced the deal with Al Gore until we got the rest of the actors under contract.”

(2006-01-16) — With allegations of influence-peddling and corruption surrounding lobbyist Jack Abramoff dominating the headlines, the U.S. Congress today stepped aside from its influential position as a co-equal branch of the federal government, pending completion of a Justice Department investigation.

The step follows a weekend move by Rep. Bob Ney, R-OH, to leave his post as chairman of the House Administration Committee, and Texas Rep. Tom DeLay’s previous decision not to try to regain his House Majority Leader position.

More than 200 House members, and a majority of Senators have received money from the disgraced Mr. Abramoff.

A resolution passed on unanimous voice votes in the House and Senate, noted that “the good of the country is more important than any single branch of government, and the recent focus on the lobbying scandals has become an overwhelming distraction to lawmakers.”

Republicans and Democrats disagreed over who would run the federal government in the absence of Congress.

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, D-NV, said President George Bush would rule by secret executive orders, as he has been doing for the past several years.

Acting House Majority Leader Roy Blunt, R-MO, said the federal judiciary would continue to govern the land as it has for almost four decades.

In either case, experts agree, that even though elected representatives have withdrawn from the troika of power, the American people will still have just as much influence over their government as they have had in the recent past.

(2006-01-15) — The Islamic Republic of Iran today pledged to give $8 million to U.S. environmental groups to help preserve caribou habitat in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR) in Alaska.

Democrats in Congress, who have so far defeated Bush administration attempts to allow oil drilling in ANWR, praised the donation from “our Iranian brothers,” and noted how “concern for Mother Earth cuts across political, religious and cultural boundaries.”

The White House immediately released a statement calling the contribution a “bald attempt to hinder the U.S. from gaining energy independence so Iran can continue to pursue its nuclear ambitions with impunity by threatening global fuel price manipulation.”

However, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called ANWR a “pristine natural wonderland that must be preserved from the brutal assault of the oil derrick.”

“We Iranians are crazy for caribous,” said Mr. Ahmadinejad. “We love their flat little snouts, curly tails and pink skin. That’s why we unite with our brothers in the American environmental movement and Democrat party to save these cute little caribous.”

In praising Iran, Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, D-NV, said, “preserving ANWR is important, not only for the caribou, but as a potential place of refuge for the American people should the unthinkable happen, such as a nuclear attack on our cities.”

(2006-01-14) — With confirmation of Judge Samuel Alito as the next Supreme Court justice all but assured, Democrats seized upon this “most recent failure of the Bush administration” as a likely springboard for their party’s electoral triumph in November.

This latest setback for President George Bush — coming on the heels of free and fair elections in Iraq, a growing economy, the first December budget surplus since 2002 and movement by Europe and Russia toward the original White House position on dealing with Iran’s nuclear ambitions — sets the stage for a Democrat return to power in Congress this year, according to many leading party insiders.

“We’ve got him on the ropes,” said one unnamed Democrat political strategist. “Alito’s confirmation could be the knockout punch. When Bush is flat on his back like this, it’s hard for Republican Congressional candidates to ride his coattails.”

A celebratory mood prevails from Democrat offices on Capitol Hill, to DNC headquarters, to MoveOn.org and The New York Times. Several political action groups said they would immediately launch multi-million dollar TV ad campaigns to capitalize on their political momentum.

“It’s the triumph of our progressive principles and ideals,” the source said. “We’ve got a beautiful feeling, everything’s going our way.”