(2005-12-22) — Just hours after the U.S. Senate voted to extend the Patriot Act for six months, al Qaeda released a statement declaring that it would extend its global terror war for the same period.

Al Qaeda’s governing body approved the extension to the Martyr Act, which had been slated to expire December 31, despite controversial provisions which some in the international terror community say pose a threat to civil rights, or at least open the door to potential abuses.

“We have to strike that delicate balance of achieving our strategic goals without limiting the liberty that our people value so much,” said an unnamed aide to al Qaeda chief Osama bin Laden. “We’ll use this extension time to retool the Martyr Act in a way that addresses personal privacy concerns, without eviscerating our effectiveness.”

Critics of the Martyr Act contend that al Qaeda agents should have to show more evidence that a potential target is a threat to the establishment of a global Islamic Caliphate before they execute a suicide bombing, videotaped beheading or detonation of weapons of mass destruction.

“You have to have checks and balances,” the al Qaeda source said. “Otherwise, you have all of these independent cells out there terrorizing people with no cohesive vision. Someone in the chain of command has to have the authority to run a sanity check.”

The spokesman said six months should be enough time for “the hawks and the bleeding hearts to reach a reasonable compromise.”

(2005-12-21) — After failing to block a Democrat filibuster of a Senate defense bill which carried a provision to allow oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist said he would employ a rare parliamentary maneuver to finally achieve passage for the ANWR measure.

“Today, we’ll introduce a bill to grant pre-emptive immunity from prosecution for treason to The New York Times and any government official who leaked classified information to the Times about the NSA anti-terrorist eavesdropping program,” said Sen. Frist. “The immunity bill will carry the ANWR drilling measure as an amendment. With support from the full Democrat caucus and our progressive Republican friends, it’s a slam dunk.”

Dr. Frist said Democrats will be so eager to approve the measure, “they won’t even read the amendments.”

“If this doesn’t work,” he added, “I’ll put the ANWR rider on our motion to adjourn for the year. Either of those options will be more effective than attaching it to a defense spending bill. What was I thinking?”

(2005-12-21) — Congressional Republicans hailed the revival of “the Reagan revolution for smaller government” today as they seemed assured of mustering the votes needed to slash the projected growth of the federal budget deficit by one half of one percent per year in each of the next five years.

Democrats immediately attacked the $39.7 billion in reductions to scheduled spending increases, and called Republican sponsors of the bill “heartless, draconian thugs.”

But Acting House Majority Leader Roy Blunt, R-MO, said his party would “win this one for the Gipper” — a reference to former President Ronald Reagan.

“These massive cuts in previously-planned spending growth represent the equivalent of two large cups of espresso per day per federal government employee,” said a triumphant Rep. Blunt. “Republican candidates will now be able to campaign proudly in 2006 under the banner of the party that virtually reduced government spending — or at least we can run as the party that restrained the planned expansion of government spending, which, from the perspective of future hindsight, will appear to be actual budget-cutting despite the real increases in federal expenditures.”

Republican Chairman Ken Mehlman, in anticipation of the budget victory, said the party has already ordered millions of bumper stickers which read…

“Vote Republican: America Can’t Do No Better”

(2005-12-21) — Al Qaeda announced today it would relocate its international headquarters to an unnamed U.S. city in order to take advantage of espionage-free local, and state-to-state, phone calls.

“Al Qaeda will thrive in the land of liberty,” said an unnamed spokesman on a 30-minute pre-recorded DVD. “We’re still shopping for a primary location with great access to transportation and, Allah be praised, good public schools.”

The al Qaeda source said Democrats in Congress recommended the move after the The New York Times revealed that the National Security Administration listens in on communications between international terrorists and some U.S. residents.

The source said no matter where al Qaeda plants its U.S. headquarters, it will incorporate in tax-free Nevada.

(2005-12-20) — In the biggest evolution case since the Scopes Monkey trial of 1925, U.S. District Judge John E. Jones III today ruled that the so-called Intelligent Design theory of origins is not science, and that a Pennsylvania school district may not offer it to students as an alternative to Darwinian evolution.

The judge ordered the Dover Area School District to alter its current science policy to reflect his ruling (PDF), and he set a limit of 40 million years for implementation of the change.

“My order recognizes that change doesn’t happen overnight, especially when you have to rely on natural, unguided processes, ” Judge Jones wrote. “But some time in the next 40,000 millenia the district policy needs to converge with my view of the establishment clause of the U.S. Constitution.”

(2005-12-19) — Just days after the New York Times released classified information about eavesdropping by the NSA on Americans linked to international terrorists, President George Bush at a news conference today announced creation of a new website which allows people to voluntarily exclude their phone numbers and email addresses from NSA wiretap lists.

The new National Do Not Wiretap Registry (DoNotWiretap.gov) follows the successful DoNotCall.gov model of allowing citizens to opt-out of harassment by electronic means.

“If you’re concerned that your civil rights might be violated simply because some al Qaeda member has your information in his cellphone or computer,” the president said, “then go to DoNotWiretap.gov, enter your contact phone number, email address, and names of terrorists who might have you on speed dial and we’ll let the National Security Administration know that you don’t want them eavesdropping on you.”

(2005-12-19) — Bono, the rock singer named as one of Time magazine’s Persons of the Year for his success at getting the developed world to give up on collecting billions in third-world debt, today said he had pressured Time’s parent company into forgiving the debts of its magazine and cable subscribers, as well as those who have purchased anything with “just three easy payments.”

“Many American families are trapped in a hopeless cycle of poverty as they dish out more than $100 per month to various Time Warner divisions for essential entertainment services,” said Bono, who requested last-name anonymity. “This is another triumph in my global campaign to do good by being famous.”

Bono said he’s still negotiating with Time Warner’s major shareholders in an effort to get them to forgive company executives for the disastrous merger with AOL.

(2005-12-19) — A subdued but positive President George Bush told a national television audience last night that challenges remain in Iraq and the sacrifice is worth it.

However, Mr. Bush’s own first draft of the speech — erroneously emailed to several reporters last night — shows that the president had planned a much more positive spin on the situation.

“Laura and I look forward to taking the twins to Baghdad Disney in the summer of 2009,” the president had planned to tell Americans who waver in their commitment to a free, democratic state in the heart of the Arab world. “After we get done riding Mohammed Mountain at Disney, we’ll stop by the Green Zone — a massive shopping and entertainment complex arranged around a fantastic falafel food court.”

The speech the president actually delivered last night came as a result of intense wrangling among White House aides and State Department officials. The latter felt the president’s draft “sounded an inappropriate note of triumphalism and American cultural hegemony,” according to one unnamed State Department source.

Mr. Bush had planned to layout his vision of “a day, in the not-too-distant future, when the Sunni Triangle will compete with Silicon Valley and Research Triangle in North Carolina to produce innovative technology that will drive the global economy to dizzying heights.”

“I look forward,” the president had intended to say, “to strapping on a new Iraq-iPod that’ll let me shop online for Mom at Burkas-R-Us, and politely interrupt my mountain-biking music with a call to prayer five times each day.”

While Mr. Bush declared last night that the forces of freedom are winning the war in Iraq, he had originally meant to paint a vision of a tourist hotspot where vacationing families will stay in luxury resorts and flock to historic battlefields.

“Here in the U.S., we visit Valley Forge and look at old cannons and muskets,” said Mr. Bush. “Some day, crowds of tourists will file through the Fallujah National Monument to look at restored antique HumVees, reconstructed IEDs and wax figure fragments of al Qaeda terrorists. The kids will pose for pictures peeking out of the replica of Saddam’s spider hole, and Mom and Dad will buy them the cheesy souvenir of the falling statue. And a moment will come during that fun family vacation when they’ll stand in silence, with a lump in their throats, as they remember the price of freedom.”

(2005-12-16) — President George Bush today apologized to the American people for signing an order in 2002 that allowed the National Security Agency (NSA) to secretly listen in on international phone calls in the wake of the 9/11 terror attacks.

The New York Times today broke the story that after 9/11 the NSA tapped phonelines of hundreds, and perhaps thousands, of Americans without court orders in an effort to trace communication networks discovered on computers and cellphones confiscated from terror suspects.

“I want to apologize for allowing the NSA to do these wiretaps after 9/11,” the president said. “I’m sorry that I violated the privacy of some of these folks after terrorists launched attacks from our soil that killed 3,000 people, destroyed two skyscrapers and four jumbo jets, and punched a gaping hole in our military headquarters.”

“My biggest regret,” the president added, “is that the NSA didn’t secretly tap these lines before 9/11. I hope my fellow Americans can forgive me.”

(2005-12-16) — With just days to go until Christmas, retailers across the nation are locked in a fierce battle to slash prices and service levels in hopes of attracting frugal shoppers with low self-esteem who believe they deserve shoddy treatment.

“We could put more effort into providing expert help, ready access to warm, dry shopping carts or faster checkout lanes,” said an unnamed spokesman for a major retail chain, “but our focus groups tell us that women, who make up the majority of shoppers, don’t feel they deserve such favors.”

Industry research shows that when a shopper wanders in search of a knowledgeable sales associate, squeezes between tightly-packed display racks, struggles to understand the broken English of a clerk, or stands in line for 35 minutes to buy a pack of batteries, “she feels that she gets what’s coming to her.”

“Her internal self-talk says, ‘Why should this store be any different than everything else in my life?’,” according to one unnamed retail marketing executive. “So, in effect, we’re affirming her self-image and reinforcing her worldview. We work very hard to do that.”

If retailers provided the kind of cheerful, excellent service described in business books and magazines, “Our customer would feel out of place and unworthy,” the source said. “She would go somewhere else where she’s treated in a manner consistent with her beliefs.”