(2005-11-16) — Faced with the “chaos and confusion among the commoners” which could result from today’s launch of Open Source Media, a portal to the best of the blogosphere, a coalition of mainstream media (MSM) outlets plans to launch “aggressive countermeasures.”

The professional journalism syndicate announced the impending launch of ‘Secret Source Media’, a website which it said would provide one-stop shopping for reliable, anonymously-sourced news.

“The ordinary folks who read The Times and watch CNN don’t want a non-stop barrage of news from these fact-checking geeks,” said a spokesman for Secret Source Media who requested anonymity for the sheer thrill of it. “People need the comfort that comes from the mystery of faith in unnamed sources and reverence for elite editorial gatekeepers.”

In addition to offering at least one anonymous source in every story, Secret Source Media’s website “will enhance the sense of mystery by being written entirely in Latin.”

Bloggers Charles Johnson and Roger Simon officially launched the “citizen journalist” Open Source Media blog by nailing a pair of pajamas to the front door of The New York Times.

(2005-11-16) — In the wake of yesterday’s 79-19 Senate vote to force President George Bush to lay out his strategy to end the war in Iraq, the White House today issued what it called ‘pre-emptive compliance’.

“Even though this Senate bill isn’t law yet,” said White House spokesman Scott McClellan, “The president didn’t want the Congress, especially our Republican brethren who sponsored this measure, to wallow in ignorance about our strategy in Iraq.”

The Bush administration sent the following message to Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, R-TN, with a request that it be distributed to all members of Congress.

United States Iraq Strategy
1. Kill terrorists.
2. Train Iraqi forces to kill terrorists.
3. Help Iraqis build schools and infrastructure.
4. Leave behind first democracy in Arab world.

The White House spokesman said an ‘executive summary’ of the strategy would be available later today for Senators who don’t have time to read the full document.

(2005-11-16) — Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, who secured grand jury indictments against a top Bush administration official last month, today announced he may be close to discovering who told Valerie Plame that she was an undercover CIA agent.

Mr. Fitzgerald refused to release any names, but sources close to the probe said evidence indicates that the Washington Post’s Bob Woodward may have revealed Ms. Plame’s covert status to her.

The prosecutor declined to comment on Mr. Woodward’s possible connection to the case, instead he focused on Ms. Plame’s apparent ignorance of her role at the Central Intelligence Agency.

“In the months, and even years, leading up to July 2003, Valerie Plame was not behaving like someone who knew she was a covert agent,” said Mr. Fitzgerald. “The woman friends knew as Mrs. Joe Wilson seems to have learned of her undercover status at about the same time a reference to her appeared in Robert Novak’s syndicated column.”

The prosecutor said it may be a violation of federal law to reveal a CIA agent’s covert status to the agent.

“We’re looking at what’s called ‘deep deep cover’ in the intel community,” Mr. Fitzgerald said. “In other words, the CIA unwittingly may have been using Mrs. Wilson as an undercover agent without her knowledge, or the knowledge of anyone else at the Agency.”

Meanwhile, as former vice presidential chief of staff I. Lewis ‘Scooter’ Libby awaits trial on five counts of hindering the CIA leak probe, Mr. Novak and Mr. Woodward remain at large.

(2005-11-15) — White House officials are reportedly ‘deeply troubled’ by the latest CNN poll which shows that President George Bush is less popular than ever during his presidency, and if the downward trend continues at the current pace, by 2008 Mr. Bush could become as unpopular as CNN’s primetime lineup.

The president’s approval rating hovers around 37 percent, meaning roughly 81 million adult Americans support him. CNN’s primetime programming attracts roughly 875,000 viewers, or about four tenths of one percent of U.S. adults.

“If the president’s rating continues to slip two percentage points per month,” said an unnamed CNN pollster, “the number of his supporters will drop below the current number of CNN viewers sometime in spring of 2008.”

The spokesman acknowledged that the “crossover point” could move to late 2008 or early 2009 in “the unlikely event that CNN’s ratings also continue to decline.”

(2005-11-15) — Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, leader of al-Qaeda in Iraq, today endorsed a measure introduced by Senate Republicans that would force President George Bush to lay out his plan for ending the war against terrorists in Iraq.

“We think it is important for a democracy such as the United States to be transparent with the public,” said Mr. Zarqawi in a video statement released to al-Jazeera TV and CNN. “We’ll all feel better when we learn strategic and tactical details of how Mr. Bush intends to stop al Qaeda from turning Iraq into the first major victory in the global jihad.”

As a show of ‘good faith’ diplomacy, Mr. Zarqawi said he would soon release his own detailed plans for “casting the American infidel and his Zionist conspirators into a lake of burning sulphur.”

Sen. John Warner, R-VA, who sponsored the bill, said Mr. Zarqawi’s backing should help garner votes from Senate Democrats who are typically reluctant to support any Republican measure.

“It’s really a tri-partisan effort,” Sen. Warner said.

(2005-11-14) — In the same day news broke about a 1985 letter in which Judge Samuel A. Alito rejected the idea that the Constitution protects abortion rights, a New Jersey institution released an older document that further casts doubt on the 55-year-old Supreme Court nominee’s position on the pivotal issue.

The 1950 document, obtained from the state archives through a Freedom of Information Act request, indicates that Mr. Alito was “strongly pro-life at that time”, according to one unnamed non-partisan, progressive source who has seen a copy of it.

“People can change their minds in the course of 55 years,” the anonymous source said, “But after looking at what I would describe as a kind of certificate that had his name on it, I can only conclude that Mr. Alito is a proponent of full-term, live birth.”

White House spokesman Scott McClellan immediately attempted to cast doubt on the authenticity of the document, noting that “it doesn’t even have Judge Alito’s signature.”

(2005-11-12) — Now that United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan has brought legitimacy to the new Iraqi government by making a surprise visit to Baghdad today, sources say that President George Bush has asked the U.N. chief to do the same for his own embattled administration.

In the wake of disastrous public opinion ratings, indictments in the vice president’s office and plummeting gasoline prices, White House spokesman Scott McClellan said the president has sent a message to the Secretary-General requesting a personal visit.

In the letter, Mr. Bush reportedly said, “Kofi, if you got any more of that credibility stuff….bring it on. We could use a barrel or two round here these days. What would it take to get you to make a ’surprise visit’ to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue?”

There was no immediate response from Mr. Annan, who is currently on an eight-nation legitimacy distribution tour.

(2005-11-11) — Democrats in Congress today rejected President George Bush’s accusation that they’re trying to rewrite history, which shows they supported the Iraq war based on the same intelligence that drove his decision to send in the troops.

“We had no pre-war intelligence,” said Sen. John Kerry, “History will show that none of the leading Democrats had substantial intelligence. Anyone who remembers what we did then knows that the president is making a baseless allegation. I think history will bear out my contention that we Democrats lacked the intelligence to make such an important decision.”

The junior Senator from Massachussetts said he continues “to faithfully support the troops who uselessly die for a lie in Iraq.”

“Our troops deserve to know that their elected leaders who voted to send them to war will remain firm in our conviction that we didn’t know what we were doing at the time,” Sen. Kerry said. “It’s important, on Veteran’s Day, to remember that our Democrat commitment to our military hasn’t changed.”

White House spokesman Scott McClellan repeated his categorical denial that the Bush administration “ever manipulated anyone’s intelligence or ignorance.”

(2005-11-11) — Moments after failing to muster enough votes to pass a $51 billion deficit reduction bill in the House, even after dropping a controversial oil exploration provision, Republicans moved to elect a New Hampshire lawmaker to the newly-created post of House Majority Minority Leader.

Rep. Charles Bass, R-NH, one of the progressive Republicans who blocked the belt-tightening measure and opposes drilling for oil in the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge, will receive the new title along with the responsibility of leading opposition to his party’s legislative agenda.

“It’s an honor to represent the members who call themselves Republicans, yet oppose much of the Republican platform,” said Rep. Bass. “The appointment of a House Majority Minority leader is an acknowledgement of the rich diversity under this big GOP tent.”

(2005-11-11) — Democrats in Congress today proposed a tax measure that would channel the American oil industry’s post-Katrina revenue windfall into family planning services for caribou, bears, musk oxen and other mammals in the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR).

“Energy independence must take a backseat to reproductive choice for everyone on American soil,” said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-CA. “This bill would help atone for our historical discrimination against non-human American females-like the caribou cow and grizzly sow-when it comes to choice, and healthcare.”

Rep. Pelosi said that oil companies should be “eager to spend their profits on a series of Alaskan frontier veterinary abortion clinics rather than to waste that money on petroleum exploration, or dividends to shareholders’ retirement accounts.”