(2005-09-21) — In the same week The New York Times launched a $50 per year online subscription service and cut 500 jobs from its payroll, the publisher said today that the new Times Select service will now include “exclusive online access to embittered former reporters.”

“We have to look at every revenue opportunity,” said publisher Arthur Sulzberger, Jr. “So, we’re providing our ex-reporters with subscriber-only blogs where they can spill the beans about their anonymous sources, ideological bias and clever techniques for maintaining the appearance of objectivity.”

Industry analysts applauded the move as “the only hope for coaxing 50 bucks out someone who can already read the whole newspaper online for free.”

Mr. Sulzberger refused to disclose how many readers had subscribed to Times Select before today, but he added “both of them are delighted so far with their new, deeper relationships with Maureen Dowd, Paul Krugman and Nicholas Kristof.”

(2005-09-20) — America’s atheists finally have a voice in Washington D.C. to champion the cause of the “amoral minority,” and the rights of those who believe in no intrinsic basis for rights.

“For too long, those of us who don’t believe in God have been discriminated against because we have no objective standard of right and wrong,” said Lori Lipman Brown, the executive director of the new Secular Coalition for America. “We need to let legislators know that the so-called ‘morality’ upon which our laws are based, is really just a product of uncontrollable electro-chemical reactions in the brain. Our laws shouldn’t punish people who violate standards that we don’t believe really exist.”

Ms. Brown said public educators “pay lip service to ’survival of the fittest’, but when it comes to the legal system, we put the best predators behind bars and play nursemaid to the weak, crippled and pathetic creatures who should be culled from the herd.”

(2005-09-20) — Testing the waters for a likely 2008 White House race, Sen. John Kerry, D-MA, today attacked President George Bush for presiding over “a bloated federal bureaucracy that creates a culture of dependency and a permanent underclass.”

“Hurricane Katrina has brought to light the fallacy that big government can solve all of our problems,” said Mr. Kerry. “As president, George W. Bush must take responsibility for this massive, inefficient burden on American taxpayers, and for the utter collapse of an ideology that says you can help people by stripping them of personal responsibility. President Bush has had five years to reverse this misguided social engineering and government waste but he just threw more money at the problems.”

Sen. Kerry noted that in his own 2004 presidential bid, he garnered 78 percent of the vote in Orleans Parish where some 27 percent of the population lives below the poverty level.

“These people are so accustomed to losing in the game of life, that the vast majority naturally picked the losing candidate,” Mr. Kerry said. “It’s pathetic to see the helplessness of such people in our great society. We have to get angry and organize a campaign to combat this lethal system of institutionalized injustice.”

Meanwhile, Mr. Kerry’s former running-mate, former Sen. John Edwards, D-NC, called for President Bush to cut taxes on businesses to demonstrate that we live in “one indivisible America”.

“The people who advocate this ’soak the rich’ mentality,” Mr. Edwards said, “apparently don’t even think about the fact that it’s the rich who buy stuff and run companies thereby creating jobs for poor people. And wealthy people love it when poor people make more money, because then they can buy stuff that those companies make. It’s Capitalism 101 — but maybe George Bush skipped that class.”

(2005-09-19) — China announced today that six-nation talks had succeeded in securing a pledge from North Korea to abandon its nuclear weapons program and its pathological dishonesty in exchange for security, cash and power.

In an 11th-hour breakthrough North Korea reaffirmed some of the promises it made during the administration of U.S. President Bill Clinton, which it immediately violated, adding however that “this time we really, really mean it.”

White House spokesman Scott McClellan hailed the new compact, that includes a commitment from North Korea to accept international nuclear inspectors, similar to those it kicked out in 2002, and to adhere to the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty which it had previously pretended to do since 1994.

“Winning these commitments from North Korea is part of President Bush’s overall effort to restore the Clinton-era atmosphere of trust on the Korean peninsula,” said Mr. McClellan. “For our part, we’ll continue to prop up Kim Jong-Il’s decadent, oppressive dictatorship in exchange for his commitment to remain in power thanks to the legitimacy that this deal gives him.”

Under the terms of the draft agreement, North Korea’s official name — the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK) — will change to the more accurate Tyrannical Megalomaniac’s Empire of Korea (TMEK), an honest acknowledgment of Kim Jong-Il’s dictatorial cult-of-personality rule.

The draft treaty also opens the door for N. Korea to build a light-water nuclear reactor at some future date, and to engage in “harmless, white lies” as part of the U.N.-approved protocol of diplomatic deception practiced by all nations.

(2005-09-18) — Mismanagement, confusion and delays by the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) in the wake of Hurricane Katrina point up the need for ‘a massive influx of taxpayer cash’, according to Democrats in Congress.

“The waste, inefficiency and bureaucratic bungling are merely symptoms of poor funding, rather than evidence that the federal government can’t manage anything other than its own payroll,” said one unnamed senate Democrat.

The senator explained that the situation echoes the problems of taxpayer-funded, government-run public education where low student achievement and rampant crime in schools is also caused by insufficient cash flow from taxpayers.

Senate Democrats this week will introduce a bill to quintuple the FEMA budget, and give the agency a ‘home equity line of credit’ backed by the value of all U.S. homes that have not yet been destroyed by natural disasters.

(2005-09-16) — The White House communications team scrambled this morning to explain how President George Bush accidentally delivered a rejected draft speech in New Orleans last night on national TV.

White House Communications Director Dan Bartlett said he still does not know how the text of an address he had personally rejected as “too DNC” wound up in the president’s hands last night.

Many Republicans reacted in shock as all of America heard Mr. Bush promising a series of federal interventions and taxpayer-cash infusions that they said will accelerate the growth of the budget deficit, postpone the administration’s commitment to tax cuts and reinforce the “culture of dependency” that conservatives claim to loathe.

As proof of the manuscript mix up, Mr. Bartlett distributed to reporters the text of the speech Mr. Bush should have given.

“My fellow Americans, we have an opportunity to rebuild a region that was devastated by a flood this month, and to renew an American spirit that has been slowly destroyed over six decades.”

“The ground in many areas was swept clean, and those returning to plots of land where homes once stood will build a new life from the ground up.”

“But as reconstruction begins, rest assured that we’re not merely going to re-establish the conditions that led to such deep pockets of poverty in the midst of affluence. We’re not going to continue the enslavement of the poor at the hands of seemingly-benevolent politicians who fail to understand the power of faith, freedom and personal responsibility to build vibrant communities on a foundation of strong families.”

“In the words of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., it’s time to “let freedom ring.” It’s time to let this area of the south rise up and live out the true meaning of our creed.”

“When Dr. King gave his most famous speech in front of the Lincoln Memorial he said the founders of this nation signed “a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the ‘unalienable Rights’ of ‘Life, Liberty and the pursuit of happiness‘.”

“Dr. King said the civil rights movement was an effort to ‘cash this check, a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice‘.”

“But today, Dr. King’s dream remains unfulfilled for many in the richest land the world has ever seen, because government has substituted one bad check for another. We have replaced the promissory note of freedom and justice, with the public assistance check. The problem is that this new check actually does provide something…a little money. But that government money is counterfeit. It’s a cheap replica of a paycheck. It fills the belly, but empties the soul. It buys things, but only in exchange for life, liberty and happiness.”

“As Louisiana, Alabama and Mississippi rebuild, we’re not going to replicate a system in which the government tries to play the provider role of a husband and father. And we will not rebuild programs that reward infidelity, subsidize the drug dealers and strip the dignity of people until they become like animals in a factory farm-trapped in cages, helplessly waiting for the trough to refill.”

“Our nation was not built with this kind of system. No nation can long survive its devastating effects.”

“There is a principle in our representative republic that the farther away decisions are made, the less effective they are and the more prone to corruption. In other words, a bunch of legislators and bureaucrats in Washington D.C. don’t know what’s needed and how to provide it as well as you and your neighbors do right there in your hometown. Proximity breeds accountability.”

“So, what can a president, or a federal government do. I’ll summarize it in three steps…lead, follow and get out of the way:

1) We will lead survivors of the hurricane to embrace the vision and tenacity of the people who conquered the wilderness and built this great nation. We will provide a constant reminder to them that they will, some day soon, look back on this recovery effort with a sense of gratitude and accomplishment — not because the federal government bailed them out, but because they pulled together in families and communities, across racial and political lines, to get the job done. Leadership is about inspiring new leaders. In the wake of this storm, many new leaders will rise from the mud and rubble, and they will transform the region.

2) Secondly, the federal government will not bypass or try to supplant the role of community groups, churches, private organizations, local and state governments. Rather we will follow them and pick up the responsibilities that nothing short of federal intervention can handle. You may be surprised at how small that role can be.

3) Finally, and most importantly, the federal government will get out of the way. We will knock down bureacratic barriers to progress, eliminate oppressive regulations and lift the burden of confiscatory taxes in the region affected by the hurricane.”

“The spirit of America is a spirit of dependence upon our creator, partnership with our neighbor and rugged independence from government interference. Over the past six decades, thanks to government policies, many people have lost touch with that spirit. Generations have been born knowing the American spirit only as stories in a history book…as if they were describing some other land, some alien people.”

“Words like ‘pioneer’, ‘trailblazer’ and ’settler’ are distant shadows, replaced by words like ‘victim’, ‘refugee’, ‘recipient’, ‘dependent’.”

“Sometimes I wonder how much greater America would be if we had not been dragged down for the first four score and seven years by our addiction to slavery. I wonder how much more magnificent our nation might have been if the poisonous effects of racial injustice hadn’t lingered so long after President Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation.”

“What if we had started this country with freedom and justice for all?”

In a sense, that’s what can happen here in the South. Our brothers and sisters will rebuild these communities from the ground up, but on more solid ground. They’ll build on a better foundation. And they will remind us of what this nation is made of, and of what it can be. In the process, they will become an inspiration to all of those around the world who still yearn for freedom and justice.”

“Tonight, here in New Orleans, as I stand in a devastated region…I see the new American frontier. The gates of opportunity swing wide and my fellow Americans have a chance to build great cities and communities using equipment and methods that the early pioneers couldn’t even dream of. It’s a new frontier rich in resources, with equal opportunity and equal justice for all.”

“Thank you. God bless you. And may God continue to bless the United States of America.”

(2005-09-14) — After two weeks of speculation about what happened to personal responsibility on the Gulf Coast in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, President George Bush finally admitted yesterday that he has taken it.

“…to the extent that the federal government didn’t fully do its job right, I take responsibility,” the president told reporters at a news conference as he stood next to Iraqi President Jalal Talabani.

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin and Louisiana Gov. Kathleen Blanco, who first alerted Americans to the absence of responsibility, issued a joint statement downplaying the significance of the Bush announcement.

“Now that the president has taken responsibility, he can keep it,” the Democrat leaders said. “We don’t have much use for it in state and local government. After years of benevolent Democrat leadership, most of our constituents think that it all lies in Washington anyway, so they won’t even notice it was taken.”

Meanwhile, some members of Congress called for an investigation.

“Bush’s announcement that he takes responsibility is being spun to sound like something new,” said one unnamed Democrat senator. “But we can see from his actions that he’s been on-the-take for years. He didn’t just take responsibility yesterday. He had it all along. I can certainly confirm that it was nowhere to be found in Congress. Our hands are clean.”

(2005-09-13) — As part of a White House PR offensive to refute charges that President George Bush doesn’t care about poor black people, the Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) today unveiled a plan for rebuilding public housing in New Orleans that will ensure near-total evacuation of low-income residents in advance of future emergencies.

An artist’s rendering of the proposed new public housing complex shows what appears to be a vast train yard, with thousands of Amtrak cars refitted as charming family residences. At the end of each column of railcar-homes, the sketch shows several engines.

“When the evacuation order comes,” an unnamed HUD spokesman said, “the conductor hollers ‘All aboard’. People get into their homes, and off we go.”

The HUD source said the idea was proposed by Mr. Bush himself.

“Since the president takes the blame when people ignore evacuation orders, we’re making it tougher to ignore them,” said the spokesman. “Now, if you want to stay, that’s fine…but your home is going to Chicago.”

Amtrak is a quasi-governmental agency whose mission is to transport taxpayer dollars out of federal coffers to an undisclosed location.

(2005-09-12) — New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin today blamed President George Bush for the lower-than-expected number of bodies discovered in the receding flood waters, and said it’s part of a White House campaign “to prevent black people from getting what they deserve.”

Last week, Mayor Nagin predicted that as many as 10,000 corpses would be found due to the Bush administration’s slow response to the crisis, however, so far the total number of flood-related deaths is closer to 200.

“We were on track to have the most horrifying natural disaster in America’s history,” said the mayor, “but Bush knew that would generate huge compassion and lots of cash flowing to this predominantly-black community.”

The former cable TV executive said that if the death count remains in the hundreds, rather than thousands, the big question will be ‘who benefits?’

“Follow the money,” said Mr. Nagin. “Low body-count means less federal aid and less redistribution of wealth from the rich to the poor black folks of my city. You don’t have to be a cable guy to figure out that this benefits George Bush and his rich cronies.”

(2005-09-12) — An email inadvertently sent to reporters over the weekend by an aide to Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, D-MA, includes a list of questions the senator plans to ask Supreme Court Chief Justice nominee John G. Roberts at hearings beginning today.

Mr. Kennedy, the senior senator on the 18-member judiciary committee, has previously indicated his eagerness to give “a fair hearing” to Judge Roberts, “without taint of political bias or grandstanding by the members of the committee.”

The preliminary list of questions in the leaked email seem to confirm the Massachusetts Democrat’s committment to such fairness and professionalism.

The following are several examples of questions that Mr. Kennedy may ask this week:

1. Judge Roberts, when the Federal Emergency Management Agency unleashed a new form of terror on the Gulf Coast forcing President Bush to reluctantly cut short his month-long vacation, the question in the minds of most mainstream Americans was ‘Why do Republicans hate black people so much?’ So my question for you is, when you become Chief Justice of the United States, will Clarence Thomas still have access to the same men’s restroom as the rest of his male colleagues?

2. Judge Roberts, when President Bush was hiding from Cindy Sheehan, the grieving mother of a U.S. soldier who died in a war concocted for political gain based on distorted intelligence about fictitious weapons of mass destruction, the president’s incompetence and cowardice raised serious legal questions. America would like to hear your answer to perhaps the most compelling of those, which is this: ‘If the 2008 presidential race has to be decided by the Supreme Court, will you recuse yourself from the case and encourage your conservative colleagues to do the same?’

3. Judge Roberts, as the female victims of Hurricane Katrina desperately search for a clean, dry place to get abortions and the majority of them lack adequate insurance for their pregnancy-termination needs, Americans living in the heartland want to know if their next Chief Justice will finally fulfill the spirit of Roe v. Wade by providing space for Planned Parenthood clinics in our federal court buildings?