(2005-03-24) — A secret unsigned talking points memo circulated to all Republican Senators and leaked to The Washington Post reveals that the GOP recruited Terri Schiavo to become “a poster child for our Christian conservative right-wing pro-life base so we can sweep Congressional elections in 2006.”

Although Post reporter Mike Allen obtained the memo from an “unimpeachable” source, he denies that source was former President Bill Clinton, who survived an impeachment attempt.

An excerpt from the memo reveals that Terri Schiavo is a “blood red Republican so committed to the cause that she’s willing to give her own life to boost the political fortunes of the party. That’s why we recruited her for this important work.”

Despite the fact that the memo is unsigned, and appears on plain white paper, Mr. Allen says “there’s no chance that it was forged in a fashion reminiscent of Dan Rather’s Bush National Guard memo.”

The anonymous Republican author of the memo exhorts all of his colleagues — from conservative Rick Santorum, R-PA, to liberal Olympia Snowe, R-ME — to “ride the tide of Schiavo sympathy to a pro-life victory in ‘06.”

“America is hungry for leadership on the life issue,” according to the unnamed Republican author. “The little people thirst for leaders who will take a stand. You need to feed these red-meat talking points to the media in your state and milk this for everything it’s worth.”

The memo concludes with an ominous warning that “if Terri Schiavo is starved to death, pro-life Christian conservatives will blame Republicans and will probably vote Democrat next time.”

Related recent headlines….
:: Schiavo Case Appealed to French High Court
:: Schiavo Defends Terri’s Right-to-Die Book, Movie Rights (2005-03-24)
:: Parents Offer Trade: Terri Schiavo for Scott Peterson (2005-03-22)
:: Right-to-Starve Added to Feminism’s Victories (2005-03-19)
:: Schiavo Hailed as Anti-Obesity Champion (2005-03-18)
:: Janet Reno Rescues Terri Schiavo in Daring Raid (2005-03-11)
:: Michael Schiavo to Auction Terri on eBay (2005-02-24)
:: Terri Schiavo Diet Book Tops Bestseller List (2005-02-22)
:: Terri Schiavo Spared by ‘Endangered’ Designation (2005-02-19)
:: Michael Schiavo Slips Into ‘Carnivorative State’ (2004-10-28)

(2005-03-24) — Anticipating that Justice Anthony Kennedy will reject a Supreme Court appeal by Terri Schiavo’s parents in their daughter’s right-to-eat-and-drink case, attorneys for Bob and Mary Schindler have already filed an appeal in a higher court — the Cour de Cassation, which is France’s Supreme Court of Appeals.

“We know that Justice Kennedy will look to international precedent in his decision,” said an unnamed spokesman for the Schindler’s legal team. “So, if we’re going to keep Terri alive, we have to quickly persuade the French high court that healthy people should be allowed to live. We believe France is our best bet, because of Kennedy’s high regard for their law and France’s high regard for food and drink.”

While legal experts differ on the likelihood of success for this desperation appeal, one Harvard law professor remarked, “If France still lives, who can deny food and water to Terri?”

Related recent headlines….
:: Schiavo Defends Terri’s Right-to-Die Book, Movie Rights (2005-03-24)
:: Parents Offer Trade: Terri Schiavo for Scott Peterson (2005-03-22)
:: Right-to-Starve Added to Feminism’s Victories (2005-03-19)
:: Schiavo Hailed as Anti-Obesity Champion (2005-03-18)
:: Janet Reno Rescues Terri Schiavo in Daring Raid (2005-03-11)
:: Michael Schiavo to Auction Terri on eBay (2005-02-24)
:: Terri Schiavo Diet Book Tops Bestseller List (2005-02-22)
:: Terri Schiavo Spared by ‘Endangered’ Designation (2005-02-19)
:: Michael Schiavo Slips Into ‘Carnivorative State’ (2004-10-28)

(2005-03-23) — As part of his sweeping proposal to reform the scandal-plagued United Nations, Secretary-General Kofi Annan today announced the creation of a new agency to relieve the suffering of UN leaders who are subject to “the oppressive arm of investigation and litigation.”

Actually, Mr. Annan created the agency some time ago, but its work was just made public when news broke that Benon Sevan, who coordinated the Iraq oil-for-food program, had been granted relief from his own suffering.

Spokesman Fred Eckhard told The New York Sun that the UN had been paying Mr. Sevan’s legal bills up until last month, although the UN had denied it for months in order to “spare Mr. Sevan the emotional trauma of publicity.”

“The United Nations is all about peace and fighting poverty,” said Mr. Eckhard, “so it’s only natural that we would pay these legal bills to fight Mr. Sevan’s impending poverty and give him peace of mind.”

Mr. Annan called on wealthy member-nations to give an additional $7 billion this year to partially fund the new agency.

“We’ll also extend our successful Trick-or-Treat for UNICEF program so that American children can help morally-needy UN leaders with the skyrocketing cost of legal defense.

(2005-03-23) — With his wife desiccated and starving in a nursing home bed, Michael Schiavo revealed today that Terri would have wanted an advance of at least $5 million for her “right-to-die” book, and twice that plus “a piece of the boxoffice” for the movie rights.

“Since the day I remembered that Terri told me she didn’t want eat or drink if she became disabled, this has been a human rights case,” said Mr. Schiavo. “Book and movie rights are basic human rights, and I’ll continue to fight to see Terri’s wishes carried out.”

The Florida man said Terri’s agent has several “live offers” but they don’t yet fulfill Terri’s expressed desires.

“We talked about this all the time,” he said. “Terri would say, ‘Honey, if I’m ever incapacitated, let me slowly die of thirst and make sure to get an agent that knows how to pull together a book and movie package with a foreign distribution clause and a licensing deal for the clothing and toys. And I won’t settle for a stinking network movie-of-the-week’.”

Mr. Schiavo said, however, that his first wife would not do any posthumous product endorsement contracts until after an appropriate period of mourning.

“But by this summer,” he added, “you can expect to see Terri’s seal of approval on a line of quality adjustable beds, and a terrific new bottled water called ‘Artificial Life Support’.”

Related recent headlines….
:: Parents Offer Trade: Terri Schiavo for Scott Peterson (2005-03-22)
:: Right-to-Starve Added to Feminism’s Victories (2005-03-19)
:: Schiavo Hailed as Anti-Obesity Champion (2005-03-18)
:: Janet Reno Rescues Terri Schiavo in Daring Raid (2005-03-11)
:: Michael Schiavo to Auction Terri on eBay (2005-02-24)
:: Terri Schiavo Diet Book Tops Bestseller List (2005-02-22)
:: Terri Schiavo Spared by ‘Endangered’ Designation (2005-02-19)
:: Michael Schiavo Slips Into ‘Carnivorative State’ (2004-10-28)

(2005-03-22) — Just minutes after a federal judge denied a request to provide a starving, dehydrating Florida woman with food and water, Terri Schiavo’s parents offered to trade their 41-year-old daughter for convicted double-murderer Scott Peterson.

“What we’re offering to the state of California is an even-up trade,” said Bob Schindler, Mrs. Schiavo’s father. “Scott Peterson, who murdered his wife and son, gets to come to this nursing home where he’ll die in a week or two. Our daughter goes to death row in San Quentin, where she’ll likely live a long life as Peterson’s case is appealed.”

The Schindlers’ desperation offer calls for the names on all legal documents to be exchanged so that Mrs. Schiavo will be treated under law as if she had committed Mr. Peterson’s crimes, and he will be treated as a healthy, but brain-damaged woman whose estranged husband controls her future.

George Felos, the attorney for Mrs. Schiavo’s husband, Michael, immediately rejected the Schindler’s offer with a single word: “Nuts.”

(2005-03-22) — President George Bush, frustrated by polls which show Americans don’t understand his Social Security reform proposals and by Democrats who pronounce the term ‘privatize‘ as if it meant ‘poison,’ has begun seasoning his standard stump speech with new terminology in an effort to find words more palatable to progressive voters.

“We need to hybridize Social Security,” Mr. Bush told an audience in Seattle this week, hoping the association with the ubiquitous gasoline-electric cars would help his case. “My hybridization plan is the perfect blend of market forces and USSR-style centralized government planning. None of your money will actually be in your hands. But we’ll dictate a few investment choices for you, so you can have feeling of control without the full risk or benefit.”

At the next tour stop, Mr. Bush told a town hall meeting, “We need to euthanize Social Security. It’s about 70 years old now, and it’s getting in the way of the hopes and dreams of the next generation. It’s an inconvenience. We won’t kill it. We’re just going to stop feeding it so it can peacefully fade away.”

At an all-female college, the president said, “I’m pro-choice on Social Security. I support a woman’s right to choose her retirement investments. In Roe v. Wade, the Supreme Court discovered your Constitutional right to privacy. If what you do with your fetus is private, why should the federal government dictate what you do with your nest egg?”

At a gathering in San Francisco, Mr. Bush called his plan a “happy marriage” between personal and government-controlled accounts.

“If you love your money,” he said. “Then don’t let the government limit your freedom to express that love in anyway that seems right to you.”

(2005-03-21) — United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan today unveiled a 63-page proposal for revamping the scandal-plagued world body. The proposal, to be considered at a summit in New York in September, calls for ejecting non-free nations and reducing the U.N. staff to six persons.

The following is an excerpt from the executive summary of Mr. Annan’s report, titled “UN-Mitigated Freedom”…

- All nations must immediately re-apply for membership, which will not be granted unless the applicant provides for its people freedom of religion and expression, an electoral process open to all and a free-market economy.
- Nations with the following types of governments shall not be admitted to the United Nations: totalitarian states, dictatorships, monarchies, “people’s republics,” “Islamic republics,” any nation-state that needs permission or approval from any other nation or organization to elect leaders or approve legislation.
- Nations which fail to meet membership requirements shall be placed on a list of potential enemies until they meet the requirements.
- Member nations which cease to fulfill membership requirements shall be ejected on a simple majority vote.
- Member nations which lobby for special treatment of non-member nations which have not changed their ways shall be ejected on a simple-majority vote.
- As a condition of membership, nations agree to have no trade relations with non-member states.
- The United Nations shall be a cooperative service organization with a staff of no more than six persons whose main job is to maintain the United Nations blog and discussion forum.
- The six employees shall work from their own homes and be provided a notebook computer, a broadband internet connection and a satellite phone.
- No regular general sessions of members shall be held, and there are no standing committees nor ongoing agencies.
- Diplomats in member nations who have “grand visions” or “compelling speeches” may post them to the United Nations blog.
- When collective decisions are needed, member states shall communicate via an open internet discussion forum.
- Resolutions shall not be considered.
- Any voting shall be done online for the world to see.
- United Nations military or peacekeeping action shall not take place.
- Member states wishing to engage in military action may do so at their own initiative and at their own peril with alliances of their own choosing.
- The United Nations shall have no jurisdiction in the legal proceedings of any sovereign member nation, nor shall any citizen of a member nation ever face trial outside of his own nation’s judicial system.
- Member nations may intervene to protect life, liberty and other human rights in non-member nations as they see fit, at their own initiative and at their own peril.
- The United Nations shall not loan or donate money to any nation or individual.

(2005-03-20) — The Pentagon today announced it will redeploy some troops currently stationed in Iraq to protect anti-war protestors in North Carolina.

The troop movement comes in the wake of Saturday’s protest march near Fort Bragg which drew a crowd of 3,000 who chanted and listened to speeches decrying the presence of U.S. forces in Iraq.

“Democracy in America is a fragile thing,” said an unnamed Pentagon spokesman. “We need to do what we can to protect the emerging free speech represented by these anti-government protestors.”

The redeployment will involve a contingent of two unarmed U.S. Marines who will be stationed near future protestors to ensure their freedom.

(2005-03-20) — Mexican President Vicente Fox today called on the Bush administration to increase patrols along the U.S.-Mexican border in order to halt the immigration of so-called ‘greenbacks’ into his country.

“Good fences make good neighbors,” said Mr. Fox. “And our people have become increasingly troubled by bordering-crossing greenbacks. They’re diluting our culture, devaluing our currency and transforming Mexico into little more than a U.S. territory rather than a sovereign nation.”

Mr. Fox said he plans to push for U.S. currency emigration reform during a meeting with President George Bush in Texas next week.

Meanwhile, an ad hoc group of Mexican citizens has begun to patrol the border in order to report illegal greenback crossings to Mexican authorities.

“If these greenbacks can’t find anything to do in the United States, why would we want them in Mexico?” Mr. Fox asked. “Our pesos go unemployed while illegal, alien money does their job.”

(2005-03-20) — In his first major move against world terrorism, United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan is prepared to propose that suicide bombers face lengthy jail terms, along with other sweeping reforms designed to restore the organization’s tarnished image.

“If you blow yourself up and kill innocent civilians, my plan calls for 10-to-20 years in a medium-security prison,” said Mr. Annan. “This sends a message that civilized nations have limited patience, and virtually no tolerance, for terrorism.”

Mr. Annan’s proposal is part of a broader strategy to reform the discredited world body which, under his leadership, has been rocked by sexual abuse scandals, financial scandals and the oil-for-food funding of Saddam Hussein’s military buildup, in addition to the decades-long failure of international diplomats to pay New York City parking tickets.

“We’re committed to the spread of freedom throughout the world, and when oppressed people cry out for their liberty we will stand with them,” Mr. Annan told a news conference, but then quickly issued a retraction. “Forgive me, I accidentally read from a White House news release. The preceding statement does not represent the opinion of the Secretary-General, the Security Council or any U.N. agency.”