(2005-02-21) — After achieving another in a series of unilateral Israeli concessions to the Palestinian Authority, Prime Minister Ariel Sharon announced today that he would hold a peace summit with himself in the Egyptian resort town of Sharm El Sheik later this month.

Over the weekend, Mr. Sharon persuaded his cabinet to give final approval to an Israeli pullout from the Gaza strip and the military said it would release of 500 Palestinian prisoners today without receiving anything in return from Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas.

“I believe that I can extract even deeper concessions from myself in the heady atmosphere of a peace summit,” said Mr. Sharon. “I’m sending my aides ahead to negotiate the groundwork and protocol for the talks. When I arrive, I will have several hours of one-on-one time with the Israeli prime minister, whom I now consider a partner in peace.”

(2005-02-21) — With the announcement that columnist and so-called ‘gonzo journalist’ Hunter S. Thompson committed suicide over the weekend, the field of potential replacements for Dan Rather on the CBS Evening News has “narrowed significantly,” according to one network source.

Mr. Thompson, whose stock-in-trade subjectivity and vigorous injection of personal opinion became the template for much of modern journalism, was author of several books including Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail ‘72 and A Generation of Swine. But he was perhaps best known to the elderly as the inspiration for the Doonesbury comic character, Duke.

“Hunter Thompson was a natural to inherit the big desk at CBS,” said the unnamed network source. “Edgy, acerbic and not afraid to weave his political agenda into the story…many viewers would have simply thought that Dan Rather had ditched the toupee.”

(2005-02-20) — In an effort to thaw international relations, U.S. President George Bush heads to Brussels today with “open arms” and “an attractive bid to buy Europe and Russia and bring them into the American portfolio of nations.”

“Rather than view France, Germany and Russia as our contentious friends, we’d like to say they’re part of the family,” said Mr. Bush. “Call it a merger. Call it synergy. I just think we have so much opportunity in a shared future of unity, that it would be crazy not to do this deal.”

Mr. Bush, who once owned a Major League Baseball franchise, added that “when I see untapped talent, under-used resources and rank mismanagement, I see an invitation engraved in gold.”

He assured presidents Vladimir Putin, Jacques Chirac and Gerhard Schr–der that they would have significant roles in the new, expanded America, where they would report directly to Mr. Bush.

“Can you imagine what American ingenuity, and the fresh breeze of freedom could do with the beauty and natural resources of these great lands?” Mr. Bush asked rhetorically. “And think of the time we’ll save not arguing about who rules the world.”

In late trading, the value of European and Russian bonds rose 12 percent.

(2005-02-19) — The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service (USFWS) has, at least temporarily, saved the life of Terri Schindler-Schiavo, the Florida woman whose former husband, Michael, had planned to disconnect her feeding tube on Tuesday.

The 11th-hour reprieve came in response to a plea from the Schindler family to have Terri classified as a silver rice rat (Oryzomys argentatus), considered an endangered species by the state of Florida and the USFWS.

“It was a longshot,” said activist Randall Terry, who has recently come to the aid of the Schindler family in their efforts to save Terri from death by starvation. “But if we can prove that Terri is a silver rice rat, her life is protected by the state and the federal government.”

Mr. Terry contacted the USFWS after learning that it is illegal to kill dozens of creatures in Florida, including the leatherback seaturtle, the marsh rabbit, the saltmarsh vole, the shortnose sturgeon, the Choctawhatchee beach mouse and the oval pigtoe (a mollusk).

“If we can apply to get Terri classified as a different endangered species each month, we can give her several more years of life,” Mr. Terry said. “I know it sounds dehumanizing, but under our laws a rat has more of a right to life than this woman.”

(2005-02-19) — A disgraced German anthropology professor, who pretended to use carbon dating to establish a link between Neanderthals and modern man, told reporters today that he regularly drinks 40,000-year-old milk and drives a Porsche Carrera made in 736 BC.

Frankfurt Professor Reiner Protsch von Zieten resigned this week from a 30-year career as one of the world’s leading anthropologists, when a panel concluded his carbon dating of human bones was incorrect by thousands of years.

The inquiry found that one skull, which Mr. Protsch claimed came from a 27,400-year-old human fossil, was actually still attached to the living body of a departmental colleague.

“He’s much older than he looks,” said Mr. Protsch. “My data shows that he may be the missing link between Piltdown man and today’s homo sapiens.”

A spokesman for the Anthropology Professionals Exploration Society said, “the disclosure that one of our most-trusted anthropologists was a total fraud, and his carbon dating a cheap trick, does nothing to diminish the credibility of the profession or the scientific consensus that modern man descended, through mutation, from apes.”

(2005-02-19) — Just a day after the U.S. comptroller general warned the White House against distributing simulated newscasts that promote administration policies without clearly stating the source, major U.S. media outlets including the New York Times, CNN and CBS News have received a similar advisory.

“Americans have a right to know whether there is an agenda or any bias behind the news reports they read, hear or view,” said a spokesman from the FCC. “Just as the White House shouldn’t try to accomplish its public relations goals with unattributed faux newscasts, so the editors at the Washington Post and MSNBC cannot hide their political agendas behind a patina of journalistic credibility.”

The new warning includes guidelines for flagging so called ‘agenda-driven’ news to make sources and motivation more transparent to news consumers.

Under the terms of the new protocol, the New York Times, Washington Post and L.A. Times, for example, may continue their traditional ‘news’ coverage, but all sections of the papers will now be labeled ‘Op-Ed.’

Televised news operations, like CNN or CBS, will be in compliance if newscasters simply wink at the camera at least once every 20 seconds during agenda-driven stories.

(2005-02-18) — In his ongoing campaign to squelch the controversy over his remarks about why few women rise to the top in the fields of math and science, Harvard President Lawrence Summers said today he now believes that women are as “calculating as any male mathematician.”

Mr. Summers, who faces faculty calls for his resignation, said he was also wrong about the female aptitude for science.

“Clearly, my experience of the past several weeks has shown that women are genetically equipped to engage in careful scrutiny, dissection and identification of even slight deviations,” he said. “Frankly, no further research is needed.”

(2005-02-18) — Russian President Vladimir Putin today offered to step in as an “honest broker” and prevent Iran from manufacturing nuclear weapons, in the wake of the failure of diplomatic attempts by several European nations and pressure from the United States.

Mr. Putin said today that Iran “does not intend to build nuclear weapons” because “it is much cheaper to buy them from our Cold War Factory Outlet. We’ve slashed prices on hundreds of classic Soviet nuclear delivery systems, with a variety of warhead configurations. Iran can buy now, and make no payments until January 2006. This will discourage them from developing their own nuke factories.”

Brushing off talk of a Nobel Peace Prize, the former KGB chief said, “This is not a tribute to my global statesmanship. Our government has long employed diplomatic partnerships like this to defuse international tensions.”

(2005-02-16) — The U.S. Navy on Saturday will commission its newest nuclear-powered attack submarine, the Jimmy Carter, with many new features, including multiple-warhead Nerf missiles.

President Carter, who brought peace to the middle east, vigorously defended America’s right to give away the Panama Canal and, in 1994, convinced North Korea to abandon talking about its nuclear weapons, said he’s honored to have his name on “one of the most powerful peacemaking devices on earth.”

Jimmy Carter is the first of the American Seahare-class subs, featuring a high-tech sonar system which alerts enemy forces to its presence and a safety device on the Nerf missiles which allows firing only after an enemy missile impact.

“This new generation of nuclear submarines is designed to use trust in our enemies as our first line of defense,” said an unnamed Navy spokesman.

President Carter has invited leaders from North Korea and Iran to the commissioning ceremony, during which former First Lady Rosalyn Carter, in a time-honored Navy tradition, will give the first order to “man our ship, bring her to life then park her over there by the dock!”

(2005-02-15) — Faced with President Bush’s renomination of 12 previously-blocked judicial nominees and a potential Republican rewrite of Senate rules to prohibit filibusters of judicial nominees, Democrats today warned the White House they would invoke the Senate “tantrum rule” to stymie the president’s efforts.

The tantrum rule allows for vocal and physical expressions of displeasure, including, but not limited to, “whining, screaming, holding one’s breath, fist pounding and flopping about on the carpet.”

When a member of the minority party invokes the tantrum provision, the president of the Senate may either ignore the Senator on the floor, use the gavel to compel silence or order the sergeant-at-arms to drag the Senator by the wrist out of the chamber.

“We know it won’t work,” said Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, D-NV, “But it’s all part of keeping our progressive vision for America before the voters.”