(2005-01-21) — As critics began their dissection of President George Bush’s second inaugural address, the White House today released a “more direct” version of the speech, stripped of the soaring poetic highlights of the original, “so that the average public school graduate, journalist and pundit can understand what the president means.”

An excerpt of the so-called “Cliffs Notes” version of the speech, portrays U.S. foreign policy in these terms:

“We want freedom everywhere, not because we’re crazy dreamers, but because governments held accountable to their people don’t launch wars against each other. In the good old days, we could sit back and watch as tyrants tortured the helpless and fortified their arsenals. A rifle in the Middle East, or Asia, was no threat to our shores. Today, a man carrying a briefcase could wipe out millions of Americans in a single afternoon. We can’t eliminate the sinful urges of crazed men, but we can help oppressed people to dump their dictators. Kill the snake by cutting off its head.”

While veiled in the rhetorical flourishes of his official address, the speech also contains a message to the United Nations which seems more clear in the simplified version.

“The United Nations charter says the organization exists to…

- ‘take effective collective measures for the prevention and removal of threats to the peace‘ and

- ‘‘to reaffirm faith in fundamental human rights, in the dignity and worth of the human person, in the equal rights of men and women and of nations large and small‘ and

- ‘to develop friendly relations among nations based on respect for the principle of equal rights and self-determination of peoples, and to take other appropriate measures to strengthen universal peace.’

“Well, that’s all good. Now, let’s start doing some of that stuff. Right now, the United Nations is united only in shared office space in New York. We have nothing in common with non-democratic regimes. Their presence in the U.N. gives aid and comfort to an enemy. People always talk about the legitimacy that the U.N. can bring. That’s true. The U.N. brings legitimacy to dictators as they crush the hopes of millions. Negotiating with tyrants is a waste of time that only lets them gear up for eventual armed conflict, either with their own freedom-starved people or with other nations that recognize the threat too late. All I’m saying is, why wait?”

“We hear a lot about the so-called tensions between us and Europe. But think about it — no matter how testy things get, there will never be a shooting war between us and France as long as we both remain democracies. We hold these truths to be self-evident.”

While critics complained that the president devoted little attention to domestic issues, the summary text attempts to address their concerns.

“I could talk all day about Social Security reform, tort reform, public school reform, welfare reform or a hundred other domestic issues. But a single dirty bomb, or reservoir poisoning, or falling skyscraper would put all of those issues on the back burner in a flash. I’ve laid out my vision for many domestic issues, but freedom is the foundation on which they all stand. You want to know what we should do to improve the economy? Here it is: foster freedom around the world to reduce the number of people who are willing to die in order to end our way of life. It’s supply and demand. We want to cut off the supply of those who demand the destruction of America and western civilization.”

Finally, the new manuscript addresses concerns many have raised about Mr. Bush’s frequent invocation of “God.”

“While a lot of folks get offended that I talk about God, I don’t think God gets offended.”

A White House spokesman said the revised version will soon be available in French, German, Russian, Farsi, Korean, Mandarin and Arabic.

(2005-01-20) — President George Bush is reportedly considering a draft of a proposed inaugural address which strikes a conciliatory tone toward Mr. Bush’s ideological opponents, according to an unnamed White House speechwriter.

Although the president has publicly mapped an ambitious agenda for his second term, the speech has him saying, “I am conscious of the fact that if three or four million votes had gone the other way, or if all the votes had been counted in Ohio, I’d be cleaning out my desk. Not only do I lack a mandate, I’m lucky to have a desk. So, I will lay aside my divisive second-term agenda and look to Democrats in Congress to take the initiative.”

The 17-minute address includes what the speechwriter said is a “renewed progressive vision for America that the president will call Compassionate Collaboratism.”

“During my campaign, I said I wanted to protect our Constitution, fix the Social Security bureaucracy, limit government spending and increase academic rigor in our public schools,” Mr. Bush is slated to say, “But in the interest of unity, I will now devote myself to protecting the Social Security bureaucracy, fixing our Constitution, increasing the deficit and limiting academic rigor so our public schools have more time to teach the fundamentals of diversity, tolerance and safe sex.”

The president’s new vision would also reportedly re-shape the war on terror.

“We are led, by events and common sense, to one conclusion: the survival of liberty in our land increasingly depends on getting permission from politicians in Europe and other lands,” Mr. Bush would say. “In a world moving toward liberty, we are determined to slow the pace of change until our allies, who already enjoy liberty, are prepared to welcome the oppressed into the community of free peoples.”

The address ends with a dramatic rhetorical flourish which captures the new spirit of global unity.

“We love freedom in America, but I’m no longer sure everybody deserves to be free — in fact, a lot of folks don’t even want to be free. They enjoy the guidance, boundaries and wisdom provided by despotic dictators and theological tyrants. Who are we to interfere with their time-tested cultures? And frankly, we relish the cheap manufactured goods and volatile market conditions that often result from totalitarian regimes. Thank you. Good luck to you. And good luck to the United States of America.”

(2005-01-19) — In an effort to heal the wounds of a deeply divided nation, U.S. President George Bush has decided his inauguration ceremony tomorrow will include a blend of both the red and the blue oaths of office.

The hybrid, or purple, oath reads as follows: “I, George W. Bush, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States.”

The president’s decision to use the blended oath was seen as an attempt to change the tone in Washington, where 49 percent of legislators (almost all Democrats) think that the nation is divided and 51 percent (all Republicans) disagree.

Congressional Democrats immediately criticized the president’s decision, calling it “a cynical ploy designed to further divide the nation on the issue of whether Bush is really a uniter, not a divider.”

(2005-01-19) — On Day Two of her confirmation hearings, Condoleezza Rice admitted today that she has “no exit strategy” to extricate herself from what has already become a “pointless, hopeless quagmire.”

“I’m bogged down, taking wearying fire from the opposition,” said the Secretary of State nominee. “Even though the outcome is certain, I confess that I failed to anticipate the intensity of the resistance, and contrary to our pre-hearing intelligence, there are no stockpiles of No-Doz or other anti-soporifics in the chamber.”

Sen. John Kerry, D-MA, a new face in 109th Congress, called for “an immediate withdrawal of the nominee and an end to Republican ideological hegemony in the Bush administration.”

(2005-01-19) — To accomodate the 840-passenger loads of the new super-sized Airbus A380 jetliner, the European Union (EU) today unveiled its first in a series of 50-acre airport lounges.

The ribbon-cutting ceremony in the lounge featured 500 high-stepping Lipizzaner stallions bearing 500 licensed French mimes in a dramatic choreographed routine.

French President Jacques Chirac celebrated Europe’s new dominance of the so-called “mega-niche,” during a spectacular nine-hour ceremony in the lounge today.

“America once became great simply by making big cars, big ships and big buildings,” said Mr. Chirac, whose nation recently opened the world’s highest overland suspension bridge. “Now Europe is ready to challenge America’s greatness.”

The expansive new airport lounge, dubbed Le Nez de Gaulle, features vast arrays of wide-body chairs, numerous Jumbotron screens displaying CNN International, a full European football stadium, a 35-acre frisking-and-sniffing security complex, and restrooms with a maximum capacity of 1600 simultaneous users.

Parking lots will still be located within a 15-mile radius of the airport.

(2005-01-18) — Harvard University President Lawrence Summers today sent a dozen roses to MIT biology professor Nancy Hopkins after she nearly fainted last week during Mr. Summers’ remarks about potential biological differences between the sexes which might explain why fewer women succeed in science and math careers.

Ms. Hopkins told The New York Times, “When he started talking about innate differences in aptitude between men and women, I just couldn’t breathe.”

If she hadn’t walked out of the conference, she said she “would have either blacked out or thrown up.”

Mr. Summers expressed regret today that the female scientist was “hurt by my brutal suggestion that further research was needed to find reasons for the observable phenomenon of male dominance in science and math. I hope the dear lady can forgive me for bringing up such coarse subjects in mixed company. In the future, I shall show more sensitivity in the presence of the fairer sex.”

Meanwhile, a spokesman from the National Organization for Women (NOW) decried the institutionalized bias against women in academia.

“The laboratory is like a football locker room at most Ivy League schools,” said the unnamed NOW source. “The guy scientists think nothing of mocking each other by saying ‘You research like a girl’ or ‘Careful with that mass spectrometer, you might break a fingernail.’”

(2005-01-17) — A groundbreaking 3,000-word report commissioned by United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan revealed today that the epidemic of global poverty could be eradicated “practically overnight” if wealthy nations would simply give large amounts of cash to the U.N.’s anti-poverty efforts.

“This research shows that the root cause of poverty is the absence of money,” said Mr. Annan. “Our experts tell us that if we give enough cash to poor people, then they become middle-income people. Naturally, the cash we give them should come from countries that now have too much cash.”

Mr. Annan immediately proposed a plan to distribute cash to poor people, with the United Nations serving as middleman and retaining “only the usual processing fee of no more than 65 percent.”

President Bush, when asked about the news by a White House reporter, said, “Which part of that are you calling ‘news’?”

(2005-01-17) — An Amber Alert has been issued nationwide today after the legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., was reported missing on the very day when millions of Americans planned to observe the slain civil rights leader’s birthday.

In Jonesboro, Georgia, authorities monitored a speech Sunday by the Rev. Jesse Jackson, after an informant said Mr. Jackson might be carrying the King legacy. However, during his speech it became clear that the legacy was no longer in Mr. Jackson’s possession.

Police have released a description of the legacy in Dr. King’s own words from a speech he delivered on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C. on August 28, 1963.

Analysis of the so-called ‘I Have a Dream‘ speech shows that Dr. King was concerned primarily with freedom by means of equal rights and equal justice under the law for everyone.

Forensics experts have been unable to find a match for the King legacy among the words of any of the major American leaders who claim the King mantle.

“The King legacy is so easy to counterfeit and then pass off for personal gain,” said one expert. “It’s just a small cut to take Dr. King’s dream that people ‘will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character‘, and to slice out the ‘character’ part and leave nothing but empty skin. Equality of opportunity gets falsely transformed into equality of results as a birthright.”

The most common counterfeits also lack what experts call the “backbone” of the King legacy — trust in God.

Dr. King allegedy rested his assertion of equal rights on the passage in the Declaration of Independence that says, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

“Without a Creator,” said the forensics expert, “the legacy of equal rights collapses into a vicious struggle where the strong prevail and no rights can reasonably be asserted. Dr. King knew there is no basis for equal rights without a loving and righteous creator God.”

“The second most common measure employed by counterfeiters is to remove Dr. King’s desire to unite the races,” the source said. “The genuine legacy pictures Black and White holding hands, eating together, marching together as well as singing and praising God together. The counterfeiters inevitably portray civil rights as a struggle of innocent Black against malevolent White, or caring Democrat against selfish Republican. But the King legacy pitted the justice of God against the injustice of men and foresaw the day when God’s victory would benefit Americans of every hue, faith and political stripe.”

Indeed, the ‘Dream’ speech text seems to corroborate this when Dr. King said, “Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.”

A review of the archival audio reveals that the biggest applause line in the 1,619-word speech was as follows: “The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny.

Amid the roar of applause, Dr. King added, “And they have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom. We cannot walk alone.”

Meanwhile, as the search continues for the missing King legacy, Americans are left to struggle with what it all meant.

“The kids are out of school and I have the day off,” said one suburban Philadelphia man, “so we’re grateful for Dr. King’s efforts to free all Americans from education and work. What a great dream.”

In related news, the Columbia School of Journalism today holds a panel discussion titled ‘Inequality in America.” Professional journalists on the panel include Connie Chung, Geraldo Rivera, Charlayne Hunter-Gault, Ed Bradley and Rudi Bakhtiar.

(2005-01-16) — Charles Graner, the Abu Ghraib guard sentenced yesterday to 10 years for Iraqi prisoner abuse, said he’ll “make the best of a bad situation” by signing up for recreational and vocational training activities at the military prison, including cheerleading and classes in modeling.

“It will be fascinating to get to know prison life from the other side of the bars,” said Mr. Graner, whose sentence includes a demotion to private, dishonorable discharge and loss of all pay and benefits. “I’ve always been athletic, so cheerleading is a natural choice for me and after my prison term, I hope to pursue a career as a male model. My face is already recognized around the world thanks to my amateur modeling endeavors.”

Meanwhile, Democrats in Congress reacted to the Graner verdict and sentencing by questioning whether those decisions were actually made by the military jury.

“We believe that the jury was simply obeying orders which came from the highest levels in the Pentagon,” said one unnamed Senate aide. “Don’t be surprised if this week you hear calls for Bush to fire Rumsfeld over this new scandal.”

(2005-01-15) — Facing criticism for his move to cut contacts with the Palestinian Authority in the wake of the latest suicide attack which killed six Israelis, Prime Minister Ariel Sharon today softened his rhetoric and called on newly-elected Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas to join him in negotiations to set “appropriate limits” on suicide bombings.

Mr. Sharon even put an opening proposal on the table for a Suicide Attack Protocol which would limit Palestinian terror groups to a monthly quota of one bus explosion in a crowded marketplace and two border checkpoint bombings while negotiations continue to establish a peaceful Palestinian state side-by-side with Israel.

“We want to be good neighbors,” said Mr. Sharon, “so we need to continue to strengthen Mr. Abbas’ hand in dealing with the terror groups who helped to elect him. We understand that going ‘cold turkey’ on terrorism would be tough for these groups so, as a confidence-building measure in our negotiations, we’re proposing reasonable limits on Israeli civilian death and dismemberment.”

Mr. Abbas, who was sworn-in today as president of the Palestinian Authority, said he would “consider Mr. Sharon’s proposal after asking WWYD — What Would Yassir Do?”