(2004-12-22) — Due to the efforts of the United Nations Security Council, although about 10,000 Sudanese die each month in armed conflict, the African nation remains safe from the effects of U.S. imperialism, according to Secretary-General Kofi Annan.

“We have a solemn obligation to protect the Sudanese from an American occupation force,” said Mr. Annan. “The 70,000 who have died this year in Darfur went to their graves free from the shackles of U.S. oppression. By our strategic inaction, they have been spared the horrors of Abu Ghraib.”

The Security Council continues to monitor the situation on the ground in Darfur and under the ground, where many Sudanese have migrated under U.N. supervision.

(2004-12-22) — The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) today filed a class-action suit on behalf of monotheists seeking the removal of wetlands from government-owned property because they visually portray the ‘primordial soup’ where some believe life began and from which humanity evolved.

“These swamps represent a government endorsement of philosophical naturalism-a faith-based belief system tantamount to religion,” said an unnamed ACLU spokesman. “Christians, Jews, Muslims and other monotheists shouldn’t be forced to see such things, nor to fund them with their tax dollars.”

The lawsuit claims that philosophical naturalism is a de facto religion that includes a dramatic, if fanciful, story of the origins of humanity which scholars call creation ex nihilo via nihilo (out of nothing by means of nothing).

“For many years, the government has been protecting and funding the restoration of these symbols of all that naturalists hold dear,” said the source. “This violation of the establishment clause of the first amendment has extended to the government-controlled schools where this religion is taught as fact, rather than faith. The situational morality of naturalism has been forced on America’s children using tax dollars. This is, in effect, an involuntary tithe to the church of naturalistic philosophy.”

The ACLU does not oppose primordial soup displays on private property, just those funded with taxpayer dollars in national parks and on other government-controlled land.

The lawsuit seeks the destruction of all government-owned wetlands, and a refund to taxpayers of all school tax dollars paid during the past 50 years.

(2004-12-21) — A new study by European Union (EU) researchers shows that the electromagnetic radiation from cellular phones can cause DNA mutations that reproduce, “opening the door to new vistas in human evolution,” according to a spokesman for the cell phone industry.

“A lot of the news you’ll hear in the coming days will dwell on the potential for health damage, tumors and the like,” said the unnamed industry source. “But if Darwin was right, mutations are good for our species. The faster our cells mutate the faster we’ll evolve and fulfill the dreams of generations of evolutionary biologists.”

The spokesman acknowledged that during the initial waves of mutation the natural selection process “could get messy,” but he insisted that “most mutations would be beneficial — potentially yielding larger brains, additional ears (’Can you hear me now?’) or even an extra appendage for holding a cell phone while driving.”

“Thanks to cell phones, you can accomplish everything more quickly,” said the source. “We’ve taken Darwinian evolution from the realm of wishful thinking for atheists, to something that may produce results in a generation or less. We’ve just turbo-charged the time factor and reduced the element of chance making evolution faster and more reliable.”

One cell phone company is reportedly already focus-group testing ads with the slogan “We’re the missing link.”

(2004-12-20) — Forensic DNA testing has revealed that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld did not personally lick postage stamps on letters to families of troops killed in Iraq.

“We’re still looking for a positive DNA match on the stamp saliva,” said an aide to Sen. Chuck Hagel, R-NE. “We’ve asked to swab the cheeks of dozens of Pentagon office staffers.”

This new evidence of Mr. Rumsfeld’s psychological detachment from the war in Iraq follows his admission that letters he wrote to families of soldiers and Marines included a facsimile of his signature, rather than a unique one done with his own hand each time.

Mr. Hagel could not be reached for comment, the aide said, because “the senator is busy handwriting a news release on the topic.”

(2004-12-19) — Microsoft Corp. today released a new security patch for its Internet Explorer (IE) web browser which prevents users from accidentally or intentionally downloading the new free, open-source Firefox browser from The Mozilla Foundation.

“Firefox is a dangerous and contagious browser that could seriously jeopardize marketshare,” said an unnamed Microsoft spokesman. “Unless consumers take action to block Firefox, it could speed up web surfing and return control of user computers to the users themselves.”

The source added that Internet Explorer is a superior product because it allows computer experts, called ‘hackers’, to control your computer.

“Who would you rather have in control of your PC?” the Microsoft spokesman asked rhetorically, “Do you want an expert who knows every line of the IE code, or some bozo like you who just walks into Circuit City and buys the cheapest PC off the shelf?”

Although Microsoft recommends that IE users download the anti-Firefox patch immediately, users who fail to do so will get it anyway within two weeks through Windows automatic updates.

Asked whether Mozilla’s free email program, Thunderbird, could also pose a threat to Microsoft’s Outlook, the spokesman said, “There is no competition for Outlook. We have not heard of Thunderbird, and we are not now preparing a patch to block it, which will be released in January.”

(2004-12-18) — President George Bush’s pick for Director of National Intelligence may have been sworn-in last week at a secret ceremony in an undisclosed location in the hills of West Virginia, according to unnamed sources in the intelligence community.

The identity of the newest member of the Bush cabinet is classified ‘top secret’ under a little-known provision of the 500+ page intelligence reform bill.

“All I can say is that this individual brings a lot of undislosed experience to this important new post,” said White House spokesman Trent Duffy, who refused to categorically deny that the new intelligence czar is either Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, Arizona Senator John McCain or CIA operative Valerie Plame.

Mr. Duffy cut short reporters’ questions saying only, “The new director is bigger than a bread box, but I really can’t give any more clues.”

(2004-12-17) — Under pressure from lawmakers in both parties, President George Bush today scrapped his plans to privatize Social Security and offered instead a new plan to “public-ize” the retirement system.

“I want to keep our promise to America’s seniors,” said Mr. Bush. “So, instead of privatizing their government-owned retirement accounts, I propose that we public-ize Social Security-in other words, we’re going to return the money to the public while we still have some to return.”

Mr. Bush said he reversed course after learning from Democrat strategist George Lakoff that all policy questions were really “about words and craftsmanship” rather than the substance of the proposed policies.

“I’ve always been a student of the English language,” said Mr. Bush. “I suddenly realized that if you say ‘privatize’, it sounds like that money belonged to the government in the first place. That ain’t right.”

(2004-12-17) — Kofi Annan, secretary-general of the United Nations, said today that if rumors of scandal in the Oil-for-Food program turn out to be true, “I’d like to break that story.”

In a brief written statement to news organizations, Mr. Annan said, “Just as Dan Rather wanted to be first to report on the CBS News memo scandal, I would want to hold a news conference to reveal that billions of dollars which should have purchased food and medicine for Iraqis would have been skimmed from the U.N. to fund Saddam Hussein’s military, and that U.N. members and their cronies would have received payoffs from the regime to influence them to lift sanctions so Saddam could resume his work on chemical, biological and nuclear weapons.”

“Of course,” the statement continued, “none of this is true. But if it were I would tell you, since it would have happened on my watch and I would be responsible. But I can assure you that nothing has happened on my watch, and I have not been responsible.”

(2004-12-16) — Embattled Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld today responded to criticism from Senators John McCain, Trent Lott, Susan Collins, Chuck Hagel and others by saying, “You go to war with the Senate you have. It’s not the Senate you might want or wish to have at a later time.”

Meanwhile, President George Bush said he will not request additional funding in order to “up armor” Mr. Rumsfeld.

“I give Secretary Rumsfeld what he requests,” said Mr. Bush. “He has expressed no fear of the insurgents in the Senate. It looks like he has all the steel he needs.”

(2004-12-14) — A cooperative venture between Google, the internet search engine company, and several major universities promises to bring “the thrill of the public library” to home and office, making it easier for millions of ordinary people to access the contents of books that few want to read.

“Studies show that 80 percent of U.S. families did not buy or read a book last year, and 58 percent of adults never read another book after high school,” said a Google spokesman. “When this project is complete, we’ll place tens of thousands of volumes of classic literature at their fingertips, where they can fail to read them in the privacy of their own homes.”

If the project succeeds, the source said, public libraries could dispose of their collections of flammable dust-magnets (trade jargon for ‘books’) and could finally focus on their primary mission — reheating homeless people while they surf the net at broadband speeds.

“And for those who enjoy a lazy afternoon reading a book, doing so online will enhance their enjoyment of this leisurely pursuit,” said the Google source. “In fact, with a dial-up internet connection it could take as long as three leisurely minutes just to turn the page.”