(2004-05-23) — After the stunning triumph of Michael Moore’s Fahrenheit 9/11 at the Cannes Film Festival in France, the winner of the coveted Palme d’Or headed to the Gulf state of Qatar to accept another best film award from Al Jazeera.

The Arab network’s Palme d’Tree award recognizes Mr. Moore’s anti-Bush documentary as a “stunning journalistic and artistic achievement which is all the more amazing because of the oppressive government under which it was produced.”

“That someone could make a film like this in America, under the iron fist of the Bush-Cheney administration, demonstrates a kind of courage unknown and unnecessary in the free Arab film industry,” according to the official news release from the Al Jazeera Film Festival.

Fahrenheit 9/11 edged out top Arab-produced films including, The Mighty Eternal House of Saud, Zarqawi: Hero of Modern Islam and Elegy for a Brother: Tribute to Saddam Hussein.

Mr. Moore said he’s delighted to receive recognition from both France and the Arab world in the same week, and that he hoped it would inspire other Americans to “rise up and overthrow the Bush regime and thus win freedom of expression for other documentarists.”

(2004-05-20) — Democrat presidential hopeful John Forbes Kerry today blamed President George Bush for the recent surge in fuel prices caused by the economic recovery and called on the president to “tap the nation’s strategic cash reserves, now held in pockets of millions of Americans, in order to dampen demand for oil.”

“The surging economy in the U.S. and globally has increased demand for oil beyond current production, thus driving up prices,” said Mr. Kerry. “We can lay this tragedy at the doorstep of the White House.”

The Bush tax cuts fostered economic growth, Mr. Kerry noted, which spurred demand for oil, increasing prices.

“It’s time for George W. Bush to release the strategic cash reserves by repealing tax cuts, and instituting an immediate rebate to the government of monies which taxpayers would have paid under a Democrat administration,” he said. “That money rightfully belongs to the government, but Bush has squandered it by leaving it in the hands of the proletarians.”

President Bush, meanwhile, called on the American people to be patient with high fuel prices, according to White House spokesman Scott McClellan.

“The President has a plan to release all the free oil we claimed when we conquered the Republic of Iraq,” said Mr. McClellan. “After all, that’s what the war was all about. Once that glut of crude hits the market, supply will outstrip demand and prices will plunge. I wouldn’t be surprised if that happened as early as October.”

(2004-05-20) — After meeting for an hour to discuss issues related to the upcoming presidential election, independent candidate Ralph Nader said that Democrat John Forbes Kerry should withdraw from the race and rally his party around Mr. Nader’s candidacy.

“If Al Gore had pulled out and endorsed me in 2000,” said Mr. Nader, “George Bush would be a full-time brush cutter in Crawford, Texas today. John Kerry knows he can’t win, but he’s staying in it just for the publicity. He’s the classic spoiler.”

Mr. Kerry rejected the allegation, saying he remains in the race to foster a national debate on some important issues.

“If it weren’t for my candidacy,” said Mr. Kerry. “There would be no discussion over my role as a Vietnam war hero or my valiant efforts after the war to reveal the atrocities that I, and others, committed against innocent civilians.”

Although he acknowledged that he might “steal votes” from Mr. Nader, the Senator from Massachusetts added that “without a Kerry campaign the excitement would drain out of the political process. People need a candidate who sets their hearts on fire with enthusiasm and hope for a better tomorrow. If I quit, all that charisma is gone.”

(2004-05-18) — After the King of Jordan encouraged Palestinian leader Yassir Arafat to “have a long look in the mirror to be able to see whether his position is helping the Palestinian cause or not”, Mr. Arafat reported today that he has “seen the face of terror.”

“I was shocked and dismayed,” said Mr. Arafat. “All of this time I have thought of myself as basically a good guy, working through legitimate means to help the oppressed. But after looking in the mirror, I realized that I am a dirty terrorist who murders innocent civilians to further my ambition for power. I was quite taken aback.”

Jordan’s King Abdullah, who broke with the Arab world’s tradition of unmitigated support for Mr. Arafat, said “once we see ourselves for who we are, it’s the first step to recovery.”

Both the king and the Palestinian leader will appear later this week on Dr. Phil to discuss Mr. Arafat’s “moment of personal enlightenment” and whether King Abdullah and the Arab League may have served as “enablers” to prevent him from seeing “the real Yassir.”

(2004-05-18) — Almost a day after phoning tech support to solve a software glitch, NASA’s Mars Rover rebooted this morning and seems to be functioning normally.

Engineers at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) in Pasadena, California, said the Rover dialed the tech support number for the vendor of its operating system software late Sunday night, but the automated phone system notified the Rover that “due to the unusually high call volume your estimated time on hold will be 72 hours, six minutes, 33 seconds.”

“Actually, we were delighted that the Rover was able to get through to a tech support representative in only 23 hours,” said an unnamed JPL spokesman. “There was an initial bit of confusion due to the Rover’s difficulty comprehending the tech guy’s Indian accent, but after the trouble ticket was written and the issue escalated only twice, the Rover was told to hold down its Control, Alt and Delete keys simultaneously. That did the trick.”

The JPL source said the Rover spent most of the 23-hour hold time listening to a MIDI version of The Girl from Ipanema, interrupted by periodic assurances that the Rover’s call was “important.”

(2004-05-11) — The so-called ‘Arab Street’ erupted in rage and grief today, as devoted Muslims crowded into public squares by the hundreds of thousands, in dozens of cities, to denounce the brutal videotaped beheading of American Nicholas Berg by Muslim extremists affiliated with Al Qaeda.

“This is an outrageous, disgusting and obscene act of evil done in the name of our peaceful religion and in our own backyard,” said one unnamed Muslim cleric in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. “We mourn with Mr. Berg’s family at this horrible loss. We renounce not only this act of violence, but all acts of terror.”

The governments of all Arab League nations made a joint statement condemning the slaughter of Mr. Berg, and committing $100 billion toward the elimination of Al Qaeda and other Muslim terror groups.

“We pledge money, troops and intelligence resources in an all-out effort to end this scourge,” the Arab league statement declared. “We apologize for our past failures to rein-in or arrest extremists in our ranks. As of today, we are turning the tables on the terrorists. Now, it’s their turn to be afraid.”

(2004-05-11) — U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld should resign immediately to demonstrate to the global community how the American justice system works, according to Democrat presidential hopeful John Forbes Kerry.

“Our system of justice says that a man is innocent until drummed out of office through the outcry of his political opponents,” said Mr. Kerry. “Our troops are fighting and dying so that someday Iraqis and Afghanis will enjoy that kind of justice, unhindered by the grinding cogs of so-called ‘due process of law’.”

Mr. Kerry added that when he becomes president, he’ll fire any cabinet member who won’t quit after his political opponents call for his resignation.

“The world is watching us,” said Mr. Kerry. “We must demonstrate that, in a free nation, justice is blind and deaf.”

(2004-05-10) — Photographs of alleged hazing of inmates in Iraq’s Abu Ghraib prison by U.S. military personnel and contractors constitute “works of art, protected as free speech,” according to the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) and Democrat presidential hopeful John Forbes Kerry.

“These photos dramatically symbolize the often hopeless struggle of oppressed proletarians against the military-industrial complex,” said an unnamed ACLU spokesman. “If these pictures had been taken in the United States, they would be praised by the critics and go on a nationwide museum tour funded by the National Endowment for the Arts.”

Democrat president hopeful John Forbes Kerry agreed that the photographers were “simply expressing their opinions about the war.”

“Whether it’s throwing one’s war medals on the White House lawn, burning an American flag or taking photos of frightened prisoners,” said Mr. Kerry, “it’s all protected speech. Who are we to judge how another person chooses to express himself or herself.”

(2004-05-09) — In a move designed to prevent future enemy attacks, the city councils of Washington D.C. and New York City today unanimously approved resolutions declaring both metropolitan areas “Muslim holy cities like Najaf, Kufa and Karbala in Iraq.”

The idea for the designation came after weeks of media reports indicating that U.S.-led Coalition forces are reluctant to arrest or retaliate against alleged-murderer and militant Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr because he hides in Najaf, a Muslim holy city.

“If we had realized that being a Muslim holy city puts you off limits for attack, 9/11 would never have happened,” said the city councils in a rare joint-resolution. “We encourage other major American cities to follow our example and change their official designations from ’soft target’ to ‘Muslim holy city’.”

(2004-05-08) — U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld today officially halted the recruitment of humans to serve in the U.S. military. The action comes in the wake of the Defense Secretary’s Congressional testimony about abuses at Iraq’s Abu Ghraib prison.

“It’s clear to me now that the risks of using humans as military personnel outweigh the potential benefits,” said Mr. Rumsfeld. “Just like any other obsolete weapons system, this one is cancelled.”

Previously, the Pentagon had followed a policy of criminal prosecution for those who committed illegal acts, but attacks by critics, and other Democrats, have convinced the Bush administration that this system is “antiquated.”

“Courts martial and other disciplinary measures are dependent upon previous wrongdoing, and by then it’s too late,” Mr. Rumsfeld said. “Since humans are predisposed to making bad-and even evil-decisions, we need to eliminate them from the process.”