(2004-01-28) — Responding to accusations that he has divided the nation, President George Bush today offered to allow Democrat presidential candidate John F. Kerry to rule “the second America.”

“I’m not a selfish man,” said Mr. Bush. “I’ll be president of the people who think America is great, who defend freedom and work to defeat tyrants, who value traditional marriage and life, who believe God is both loving and righteous, who trust the ‘invisible hand’ of capitalism and who protect the Constitution. Mr. Kerry can be president for all the rest.”

Under the terms of the plan, Mr. Kerry would be called ‘President of America Deux’ (America II), and would report to the Secretary-General of the United Nations.

(2004-01-28) — If residents of New Hampshire had more high-speed cable and DSL Internet connections, Democrat presidential hopeful Howard Dean said he would have defeated Senator John F. Kerry, to whom he actually lost by 13 points.

“It’s those dial-up Net Neanderthals that are killing us,” said Mr. Dean after his second place finish. “People with 56k connections or worse don’t spend their time hitting political web sites, joining the community on our weblog or donating money to candidates online. They check email, see what’s hot on eBay and logoff.”

As the campaign now moves south, Mr. Dean said he’s increasingly concerned about the ‘Net Neanderthal’ phenomenon.

“I’ve heard that in South Carolina, the Internet is actually delivered by pickup trucks,” Mr. Dean added. “When I’m president I’ll create a federal agency to finance rural internet cooperatives to bring high-speed Web access to every American. I’ll pay for it by withdrawing our troops from Iraq, increasing taxes on the rich and creating a single-payer universal health care system that will cover every American. That’s what Jesus would do.”

(2004-01-27) — An 11th-hour surge in New Hampshire by Democrat presidential candidate Joe Lieberman might “stun” pollsters according to the latest Zogby tracking poll of political pollsters.

“If Lieberman were to go from a steady nine percent in the tracking polls, to 45 or 50 percent at the ballot box, that would just blow our minds,” said pollster John Zogby. “That would be even more shocking to our profession than watching Kerry stretch his lead over Dean by 10 percent literally overnight.”

Mr. Zogby said no evidence points to the Connecticut senator even getting into double digits.

“However,” he added, “My polling colleagues think it would be great TV drama to see that ‘Lieberman Landslide’ graphic come swooshing in?”

Senator Lieberman said he’s “feeling really good” about the latest poll results, “but even if I only get five percent, I believe that ‘Joementum‘ will carry me to the White House…you know…in some capacity.”

(2004-01-27) — During a brief, private ceremony at the Vatican today, U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney absolved Pope John Paul II for his opposition to the liberation of Iraq last year.

“I don’t believe that the Pope was malicious in speaking against overthrowing Saddam Hussein,” said Mr. Cheney. “And he now seems to see the value of removing the dictator.”

Mr. Cheney said after the absolution, the Pontiff asked him about ‘Hail Marys.’

“That’s when I knew the Pope was a regular guy,” said Mr. Cheney. “He wanted to talk football.”

The Vatican denied rumors that the Pope’s Swiss Guard would join Coalition troops in securing and rebuilding Iraq.

(2004-01-27) — The Bush administration today announced the creation of a new cabinet-level government agency with a name that conveys the president’s resolve to balance federal spending — the Department of Deficit Obliteration.

With a proposed annual budget of $756 billion, the Department of Deficit Obliteration will study ways to eliminate the gap between federal revenues and expenditures without any real cuts in spending that might cause discomfort for potential voters.

“We were going to call it the Department of Deficit Reduction,” said an unnamed senior administration official, “but we wanted to use a word that shows how serious the President is about eliminating this pernicious deficit.”

A new Congressional Budget Office report predicts a $477 billion budget deficit next year, rolling up to more than $2 trillion over the next 10 years if current taxing and spending levels persist. And while the president’s own 2005 budget proposal will project shrinking deficits, Mr. Bush reportedly felt the need to take radical action against what he calls “the other threat to our homeland security.”

(2004-01-27) — In the wake of a new study which shows that 25 percent of the nation’s public schools fail to meet the standards of the No Child Left Behind law, the Bush administration today announced a tutoring program to help the low-performers.

“Essentially, the smart schools will tutor the stupid schools,” said an unnamed senior official in the Department of Education (DOE). “With a little one-on-one attention, some of these slow and low performers may catch up with the rest.”

Under the terms of the new $98 billion plan, under-performing schools will stay after school three days each week to receive remedial education from best-in-class schools.

“Some people say that there’s no way a remote federal bureaucracy can force accountability on 91,400 schools in a bloated, unionized public education system,” said the DOE spokesman. “But we’re not giving up yet. As long as we have ideas to try and taxpayer dollars to spend, we’ll keep the dream of federally-controlled education alive for all freedom-loving Americans.”

(2004-01-26) — On the eve of the New Hampshire presidential primary, Howard Dean’s campaign manager said he doubts that a new email worm virus was part of Mr. Dean’s grassroots Internet strategy.

“I’m not saying we’ve never thought of doing something like this,” said campaign manager Joe Trippi. “With thousands of loosely-organized zealous kids out there working for Howard, I can never say never. But I would hope that none of our people would send out an email virus called MyDoom. I just don’t think it sends the right message about his candidacy right now.”

However, some in rival campaigns suggested that the timing was more than coincidential.

“Think about it,” said a spokesman for an unnamed Democrat candidate. “It’s the first big virus of the new year and it happens the night before the first primary. Dean is the first major Internet candidate. You don’t have to be a former physician, or even a physician’s husband to diagnose that.”

(2004-01-26) — Renee Zellweger, the Golden Globe-winning actress, widened her lead in New Hampshire by six points over former Democrat presidential frontrunner Howard Dean, according to the latest CNN-NYT-NPR-ET Zogby tracking poll.

“If you had told me a year ago that I would be the best supporting actress and running second in New Hampshire, I would have been delighted,” said Ms. Zellweger, whose compelling performance in the Civil War drama ‘Cold Mountain’ helped her bypass six out of seven Democrat presidential candidates. “It just shows you the importance of taking consistent, principled positions on the issues. It’s not a horse race determined by momentary buzz or celebrity.”

A spokesman for Zogby International acknowledged that Ms. Zellweger is not campaigning for the presidency.

“However, our media clients, who pay for the polling, thought it would increase voter interest in the New Hampshire primaries,” the unnamed spokesman said. “Anything that makes voting more appealing is, ipso facto, good for Democracy.”

Senator John F. Kerry, who still leads Ms. Zellweger by about three points in the polls, immediately attacked her military record.

“If I had been an actor in ‘Cold Moutain’,” said Mr. Kerry, “I would have pretended to fight for my country in the Civil War, instead of pretending to harbor deserters, like Ms. Zellwegger did.”

Mr. Kerry, who has served as a Vietnam veteran for more than 30 years, refused to say which side of the war he would have pretended to be on.

(2004-01-24) — In an effort to halt his slide in the polls, Democrat presidential candidate Wesley Clark today attempted to distance himself from remarks that Oscar-winning documentarist Michael Moore made last week while introducing Mr. Clark at a campaign appearance.

During the recent Democrat debate, Mr. Clark defended Mr. Moore’s right to call the Commander-in-Chief a “deserter.”

But today Mr. Clark said, “I thought Michael called the president a desserter — you know, one who enjoys dessert after dinner. This, coming from Michael Moore, is a term of endearment. Like most people, there’s nothing Michael likes better than dessert. I can assure you he meant no insult to the president. Michael is a patriot. He’s as American as apple pie.”

(2004-01-24) — In another masterful bit of George Bush political stagecraft, news of Walter Mondale’s endorsement of Democrat presidential hopeful John F. Kerry was overshadowed today by the announcement that former presidential candidate Tom Oyler would back Mr. Bush.

Mr. Oyler, whose 14th-place finish in New Hampshire’s 2000 Republican primary shocked political pundits, said Mr. Bush “has proven that he’s got the background, the experience, the knowledge and the strength to not only be a strong candidate for president but a strong president.”

In 2000, Mr. Bush’s second place finish (72,330 votes) in New Hampshire was eclipsed by Mr. Oyler’s 14 votes, because the Oyler 2000 campaign exceeded expectations by “at least 12 votes.”

“Four years ago,” said Mr. Bush. “I was standing in Tom Oyler’s shadow. He was the comeback kid and a worthy opponent. Today, I’m proud to call him my friend and to accept his endorsement.”

Former vice president Mondale, best known for losing to Ronald Reagan in a landslide, last year made an unsuccessful bid to return to the Senate.

Mr. Kerry, although clearly stung by the Oyler upstaging, said he’s proud to have “the big mo” (slang for momentum) that comes with Mr. Mondale’s support.

“It’s a lot better than George McGovern’s pathetic endorsement of Wes Clark,” Mr. Kerry said. “What a loser!”