(2003-12-23) — A surprise offer by Saddam Hussein to personally lead U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney to Usama bin Laden’s mountain hideaway may have been inspired by one of ‘Lord of the Rings’ movies he has watched while being held by the U.S. military.
Mr. Hussein apparently suggested the idea after viewing ‘The Two Towers‘, the second movie in the trilogy.
While any chance to get Mr. Bin Laden might seem welcome, especially from someone with suspected ties to the al Qaeda leader, the proposal has reportedly caused a “friendly rift” in the Bush administration over whether Saddam can be trusted.
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(2003-12-23) — Bill Clinton should be fired as ex-president because he failed to stop the terror attacks of September 11, 2001, according to Democrat presidential candidate Wesley Clark.
Mr. Clark’s remarks came just after news reports that he had praised Mr. Clinton, rather than George Bush, for applying pressure to Libya that resulted in that nation agreeing to abandon its weapons of mass destruction.
“After I gave my former commander-in-chief credit for squeezing Libya,” said Mr. Clark, “I realized that I would also have to blame him for not stopping the 9/11 attacks. After all, there was a three-year hiatus between the Clinton White House and the Libyan decision, but only nine months between Bill’s departure and the day the planes hit.”
The former NATO Commander added that his views on the matter were subject to change without notice.

(2003-12-23) — New York Governor George Pataki today pardoned comedian Lenny Bruce posthumously for a nearly 40-year-old obscenity conviction prompted by a foul-mouthed political commentary.
Democrat presidential candidates John F. Kerry and Wesley Clark both expressed hope that they would someday receive similar forgiveness for their own recent obscene comments.
“Gov. Pataki has demonstrated that America is the land of second chances,” said a spokesman for Mr. Kerry. “Lenny Bruce is a hero to all of us who make political points with pungent language. If he were alive today, I would hire him to write my speeches.”

(2003-12-23) — Al Qaeda, the global terror network, has increased its threat level index to ‘Orange’ (High) based on intercepted ‘chatter‘ by top U.S. officials who have authority to direct deadly strikes on al Qaeda members, including its elusive leader, Usama bin Laden.
“Our intelligence sources have received a substantial increase in the volume of threat-related intelligence reports,” according to an internal email from a senior al Qaeda official. “These credible sources suggest the possibility of attacks against our al Qaeda cells and training facilities around the infidels’ holiday season and beyond. The strategic indicators, including America’s continued desire to carry out attacks against our forces, are perhaps greater now than at any point since our most triumphant day, September 11, 2001.”
Al Qaeda experts are still studying a tape, purported to be audio of U.S. Commander-in-Chief George Bush, on which the voice claims that U.S. forces are on Mr. Bin Laden’s trail and would get him “dead or alive.”
Despite the heightened threat to al Qaeda, the unnamed official urged terror group members to “go about activities as planned, but be aware, vigilant and have an emergency plan.”

(2003-12-23) — To minimize criticism that he is manipulating news events for personal political benefit, President George Bush has ordered the Pentagon to ensure that the eventual capture of Usama bin Laden appears “poorly managed.”
According to a leaked memo from Mr. Bush to top aides, the president was enraged at suggestions that the administration had scheduled the arrest of Saddam Hussein to give Mr. Bush a year-end boost in the polls.
“I don’t want to give critics a chance to accuse me of political motives in the war on terror,” Mr. Bush wrote. “So, make sure your people do everything in their power to ‘catch’ UBL at a time, and in a way that cannot possibly benefit me or the Bush 2004 campaign.”
In the memo, the president suggested several “alternative UBL capture scenarios”:

- “Get Pervez [Musharraf, President of Pakistan] to invite French President Chirac to Pakistan for a meeting, and then let Chirac ’stumble upon’ UBL while he’s out digging for truffles or something.”
- “Tranquilize UBL and leave him in the makeup room backstage at the Fleet Center during the Democrat convention in July.”
- “Have our Special Forces boys wear baby-blue helmets for the photos.”
White House insiders say the president’s political advisor, Karl Rove, is tasked with “keeping the president’s name out of the papers” for at least a week after the arrest of Mr. Bin Laden.

(2003-12-23) — In an effort to reinforce her repeated statements that she is not running for president in 2004, Senator Hillary Clinton, D-NYArk, today filed papers with the Federal Election Commission to form a presidential ‘ignoratory committee’.
The establishment of the committee will allow Mrs. Clinton to hire staff, raise funds and develop a network of support to ensure that members of her party “pay no attention to the electrifying potential for a Clinton-Bush battle in 2004,” according to a committee staffer.
“We think there’s a grassroots movement out there to get her nominated,” said the unnamed staffer. “It’s going to take a coordinated effort to get Democrats to ignore Hillary Clinton’s enormous potential and pay attention to the actual announced candidates.”
Although Mrs. Clinton has made several high profile appearances and strident anti-Bush pronouncements lately, her associates insist that she’s just doing her job as a U.S. Senator.
Mrs. Clinton’s ignoratory committee has already begun distributing bumper stickers in New York City which read “Clinton for Prez in 2004? Fugget-About-It!”

(2003-12-22) — After word that Time magazine had selected ‘The American Soldier’ as its Person of the Year, The New York Times today announced its pick for “2003 Individual of the Year” — The African-American Unemployed, Uninsured, Lesbian Woman with an Unwanted Pregnancy.
“We noticed that Time feigned patriotism by putting American troops on the cover, even though the story savaged President Bush’s foreign policy,” said Arthur Ochs Sulzberger, Jr., publisher of The New York Times. “So, we just wanted to praise the heroism of the woman who’s fighting conservative laws which prevent her from marrying her lesbian partner. She worries that her children won’t be able to get into a good college due to the Bush war on affirmative action. She struggles to make ends meet due to Bush’s economic policy failures. And she desperately needs a partial-birth abortion to protect her mental health, but it’s illegal now and even if it weren’t she has no insurance.”
Mr. Sulzberger said the Times’ editorial board’s second choice for Individual of the Year was Valerie Plame, wife of former ambassador Joe Wilson, who might have been one of the great undercover CIA agents of all time if an unnamed Bush administration official hadn’t revealed her identity to columnist Robert Novak.

(2003-12-22) — The U.S. Supreme Court is set to rule, in early 2004, that most of the 1st Amendment to the Constitution is unconstitutional, according to an unnamed Court clerk.
The nation’s highest court will likely amend the 1st amendment contained in the so-called “Bill of Rights,” eliminating everything but the first five words.
Currently, the 1st amendment states, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.“
However, the unnamed Supreme Court clerk said, “In light of some recent federal court rulings, a majority of the justices have come to believe that only the first five words of the amendment really make sense. Eliminating the rest should reduce intolerance and dissent in our country, making us truly one nation under mandamus.”
The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) said it has a team of attorneys searching for a plaintiff whose case would “facilitate” such a ruling.

(2003-12-22) — The capture of Saddam Hussein, Libya’s offer to destroy its WMD and increasing signs of economic recovery at home all leave George Bush “incredibly vulnerable” at the polls in 2004, according to Democrat National Committee (DNC) chairman Terry McAuliffe.
“People can only take so much positive news before it begins to drain them,” said Mr. McAuliffe. “The incessant drip, drip, drip of good news is exhausting. Democrat candidates in 2004 will have a clear, focused message: ‘Eliminate Good-News Fatigue. Vote Democrat’.”
The other factor portending a Democrat presidency is the natural human tendency to expect the worst when things are going well.
For that reason, the DNC considered using a more proactive slogan: ‘Democrats Don’t Wait for Bad News, We Make it Happen’.
Mr. McAuliffe noted that most people are more “realistic” than President Bush, so the Democrat message of a failing economy and a foreign policy quagmire hold more credibility.
“No one really believes these surging economic indicators,” he said. “For that matter, most in my party don’t believe that we caught Saddam…at least not recently.”

(2003-12-21) — Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright suggested today that the Bush administration influenced the timing of the release of the blockbuster movie ‘The Return of the King’ to boost the economy before the 2004 elections.
“In the first five days that movie has raked in $125 million,” said Ms. Albright. “And that doesn’t include popcorn, beverages and Sno-Caps. This is a major shot in the arm for the economy, and I find the timing suspicious. All three of these movies have been released during the Bush administration, and this one may create the economic tsunami that carries Bush to his second term.”
In related news, Democrat presidential candidate Dick Gephardt, who is boycotting ‘The Return of the King,’ said the film was a ‘miserable failure’ which sent high-paying American jobs to New Zealand.
Senator John F. Kerry, also rumored to be considering a White House bid, said, “This is a great day for America. Of course, I was one of the early supporters of adventure movies. And while George Bush can get the vicarious rush of watching a filmed battle sequence, I actually left some blood on the battlefield.”
Rival Wesley Clark said, “I support this movie, and recommend that people go to see it, but they should leave the theater as quickly as possible.”
Candidate Dennis Kucinich said, “I told you Bush was false. I told you he was tricksy.”