(2003-05-24) — A top scientist at the World Health Organization announced today that panic over Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (SARS) may be a hoax promoted by radical Islamic clerics to get women to wear virtual veils.
“I’m not implying SARS doesn’t exist,” said the unnamed scientist. “But the mask-wearing thing is more than a little coincidental with the rise of fundamentalist Islam globally. We now have thousands of women in public places sporting virtual veils. They’re obeying part of Islamic law without even converting. Next thing we’ll be hearing about is a new deadly form of dandruff. Mark my words.”
(2003-05-23) — Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge announced today that Congressional debates and votes will be conducted by unmanned drones by the end of 2005. The announcement comes a day after Mr. Ridge said drones will patrol U.S. borders to stem illegal immigration and increase security.
“Elected representatives are expensive to field in Washington, D.C.,” said Mr. Ridge. “So, we’re going to send them to their home districts where they can spend most of their time with their constituents.”
When it’s time to debate and vote, they’ll do it remotely using combination of GPS, cell phone, webcam and Aibo technology.
A spokesman for C-Span said TV coverage of remotely-controlled drone politicians will require no changes in current production practices.
(2003-05-22) — Gen. Tommy Franks today announced his retirement, and a six-figure deal with MSNBC to critique U.S. military operations.
“Up until yesterday,” said Gen. Franks, “I thought Coalition forces did a great job executing our flexible battle plan in Iraq. However, since signing the contract with MSNBC it seems to me that the war strategy was deeply flawed and mismanaged.”
Gen. Franks would not disclose details of his contract with America’s number three cable news network except to say, “MSNBC’s generous offer made me realize the value of retired critics to the defense of freedom.”
The General said that since writing his retirement letter he has already begun to have a better understanding of what happened in Iraq and Afghanistan.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: In response to a national outcry by people who want to help The New York Times publish a more accurate newspaper, ScrappleFace now provides the unofficial, unauthorized, incomplete and out of date New York Times staff email directory.
The Times directory is searchable by job title, and email addresses are hotlinked for your convenience. The list includes job titles and bureaus when available. The vast editorial staff at ScrappleFace will update this list periodically if the Times does.
The list was last updated in September 2003.
(2003-05-21) — Sen. Joe Lieberman, D-CT, gave new energy to his presidential campaign today by proposing a $150 billion federal agency to cut government bureaucracy in health care.
Aides to the Senator said his proposed American Center for Cures would identify promising new treatments and break down bureaucratic barriers faced by small companies in drug development.
In making his announcement, Sen. Lieberman ridiculed a competing proposal by Rep. Dick Gephardt, D-MO, as another in a line of “big-spending Democratic ideas of the past.”
(2003-05-21) — The American Professional Editors Society today issued a ruling declaring that the use of the surname “Blair” in a headline will refer to former New York Times reporter Jayson Blair during the rest of the second quarter of 2003.
For Q1 and most of Q2, “Blair” always meant British Prime Minister Tony Blair. However, Jayson Blair, who is black, has officially become more newsworthy than the leader of Great Britain.
Linda Blair could not be reached for comment.
(2003-05-21) — The bid by Paris, France, to host the 2012 Olympic Games includes a novel approach to competition, according to insiders at the International Olympic Committee.
Here are some of the French-proposed changes, which organizers believe will make the games more compelling.
- Athletes from the United States and Britain will be required to wear shackles and manacles during most events.
- Judges in gymnastic and diving competitions will have unlimited time to register their scores.
- Hans Blix will oversee the search for athletes who use chemical agents to enhance performance.
- No sharp or heavy projectiles may be thrown without permission from the United Nations Security Council.
(2003-05-21) — Astronomers expressed shock yesterday as the nine planets in our solar system were drawn into orbit around former New York Times reporter Jayson Blair.
Mr. Blair, in an interview with the New York Observer, said he wasn’t surprised by the planetary re-alignment, but that people didn’t understand the real reasons behind it.
“No matter what you read in the papers, don’t believe it,” he said. “You’ll have to wait for my soon-to-be-released book before you can really grasp how central I am to the functioning of the known universe.”
(2003-05-20) — Although liberal reporter Chris Hedges was booed off the stage before he could complete his commencement address at Rockford College in Illinois, he faxed the text of the speech to news editors nationwide.
Here’s an excerpt from the controversial message, which echoed Mary Smich’s now famous 1999 Chicago Tribune column, often falsely attributed to Kurt Vonnegut.
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(2003-05-20) — An unnamed hacker has complained to friends that his efforts to spread an email worm virus globally were foiled due to his poor choice of a fake sender’s email address: help@irs.gov.
“He sent that thing to 10,000 people,” said an unnamed associate of the hacker. “Not a single person opened the attachment. No one could believe that the IRS would offer help. It’s almost as funny as support@microsoft.com.”
The hacker intends to try again next week with an email sent from ‘news@DNC.org’.
