(2002-10-27) — France this week will propose a new resolution to the U.N. Security Council for dealing with Iraq. The measure calls for “aggressive indecision” on the matter.
“We want Saddam to know that if he fails to comply with previous U.N. resolutions, he can expect endless debate in the U.N.,” said French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin. “We will continually talk about Iraq, and get ever so close to passing resolutions, but then we’ll block the vote. This strategy is aimed at driving Saddam insane.”
France, the acknowledged world leader in diplomacy and military strategy, has once again taken the lead on this issue of historic significance. French diplomats are said to be preparing speeches that last for days and resolutions with circuitous language making them virtually impervious to an up-or-down vote.

(2002-10-27) — Professional fund-raiser Jesse Jackson told a group of protestors in Washington D.C. yesterday, “If we launch a pre-emptive strike on Iraq we lose all moral authority.”
Jackson, who has become America’s moral conscience in recent years, called on the Bush administration to be faithful to its commitment to the United Nations.
“The Bible says, ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery’,” said the Rev. Jackson. “That applies to international relationships as well as to marriages.”
The Rev. Jackson has garnered international admiration as a living example of the morality he preaches. In almost four decades since the birth of the Civil Rights movement, no leader has eclipsed his influence on issues of ethics and morality.
Bush administration spokesman Ari Fleischer said, “Of course, the president was moved by the Rev. Jackson’s speech. White House officials and the Pentagon are re-evaluating the options vis-a-vis Iraq. Frankly, many of us are repenting for our immoral words, thoughts and actions.”

(2002-10-26) — Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter, in a column for the New York Times today, proposed a new idea for dealing with North Korea’s nuclear program-the double-dog dare.
“When I was a child,” Mr. Carter wrote, “if you couldn’t get someone to do what you wanted you would say ‘I dare you’. Then if they still wouldn’t do it, you’d say ‘I double-dog dare you’. That almost always works.”
Diplomats at the United Nations are drawing up the details of the new protocol.
“Kim Jong Il is not a reasonable man,” Mr. Carter added, “but I believe his inner child will resonate with the significance of the double-dog dare. It’s really irresistible.”

(2002-10-25) — The three major cable news networks today announced a joint venture to launch a 24-hour channel devoted to images of podiums bristling with microphones.
“PodiumTV is designed for the viewer who can’t get enough of that pre-news conference coverage,” according to a news release announcing the new channel. “Viewers seem captivated by the anticipation that something dramatic is about to be spoken from behind that microphone-bedecked lectern.”
The images are so compelling that news networks often show them as insets or using a split-screen effect.
A spokesman for C-Span welcomed the new competition.

(2002-10-25) — Unless AOL Time Warner completely eliminates its “weapons of wealth destruction” (WWD), regime change seems inevitable, according to industry experts.
Chairman Steve Case’s secret WWD program may have existed as early as two years ago when he and now-retired Time Warner boss Gerald Levin were talking about a mysterious “synergy” they were developing.
“No one really knows what this synergy is,” said a market analyst at a reputable Wall Street firm, “We have no concrete evidence that the synergy exists. But it must have something to do with reducing a mighty publishing empire to dust and ashes.”
Since AOL took over Time Warner about two years ago, the company has lost billions of shareholder dollars. Company insiders say that Mr. Case never wears a necktie out of fear of rebels within the organization.

(2002-10-25) — The identity of Adam Smith’s famous ‘invisible hand’ has been revealed- it’s Microsoft Corporation.
The famed author of An Inquiry into the Nature and Causes of the Wealth of Nations in 1776 wrote, “Every individual necessarily labours to render the annual revenue of the society as great as he can. He generally, indeed, neither intends to promote the publick interest, nor knows how much he is promoting it…. He intends only his own gain, and he is in this, as in many other cases, led by an invisible hand to promote an end which was no part of his intention. “
Recently, Smith’s namesake in Congress, Rep. Adam Smith, D-WA, revealed the identity of the ‘invisible hand.’ Rep. Smith, whose biggest campaign contributor is Microsoft, criticized open-source software distributed under the GNU General Public License. GPL software competes with Microsoft Windows and some of the company’s other products.
“It’s not my fault,” said Rep. Smith. “The invisible hand moved me as I wrote about open-source software. At the time, of course, I didn’t intend to promote the public interest, but only my own gain.”
The elder Smith, a Scottish political economist, could not be reached for comment, having died in 1790.

(2002-10-25) — The people of the United States of America heaved a collective sigh of relief on news that North Korea is willing to negotiate a nonaggression pact with the U.S.
“This is the breakthrough we’ve been looking for,” said a senior Pentagon official. “If we can only establish a treaty, or some type of agreement framework, with the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea then we can rest easy for years to come.”
American fear of North Korea has run at a fever pitch recently, and U.S. citizens have looked desperately to their leaders for some hope.
President Bush announced that he would send a “peace delegation” to Pyongyang immediately, composed of former presidents Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton.
“We’re glad that the North Koreans are willing to talk with us,” said Mr. Bush. “We know that if we get their promise of nonaggression in writing, our two people’s can finally live in peace.”
Mr. Carter said he’s eager to make the trip because of his background in nuclear science.
“They’ve promised me a tour of one of their impressive nuclear weapons laboratories,” Mr. Carter said. “I understand their technology in this area is growing explosively.”

(2002-10-24) — The government of the Republic of Iraq today announced it had fired its public relations agency. The American agency, based in Atlanta, GA, has maintained an office in Baghdad for 12 years, and its news releases are carried on a cable news network worldwide.
While losing the Iraq business is a major blow to the agency, prospects are good that they’ll pick up the Chechen terrorists account.
Despite taking 700 hostages in Moscow and threatening to blow them all up, the Chechens haven’t been able to make the big headlines they expected.
“The sniper thing has dominated the news,” said a spokesman for the PR agency. “We have some ideas to push that below the fold and get the Chechens the attention they deserve. We’ve done that quite well for a man who used to be an unknown petty dictator. We can do it for them.”

(2002-10-24) — Now that police have two men in custody in Maryland as part of the sniper investigation, all U.S. citizens are now completely safe, according to a government source.
“There is no risk to anyone anymore,” said the unnamed official. “Please tell your children that they are totally safe where ever they go. The government has done its job of protecting you from every conceivable threat 24 hours a day.”
At a news conference, the mayor of the town where the suspects were apprehended assured everyone that his community is also safe, that people like that don’t live there, and that these men were just passing through.
“Bad people come from other places, and they’re radically different from the good people who live here,” the mayor said.
Since the threat to public safety is gone, most state and federal law enforcement officers will be laid off in the next two weeks.

(2002-10-24) — The past several decades have seen a massive transfer of money in America out of the pockets of the working rich, and into the hands of those who produce goods and services for the rich.
A new study shows that middle-class Americans are sucking the wealth right out of some of the richest citizens, and leaving them with nothing but baubles and meaningless status symbols to show for it.
“It’s worse than when we used to take the Indian’s land and give them worthless trinkets in exchange,” according to one wealthy businessman. “Last year alone I lost $75,000 on a luxury automobile that’s really no more useful than a $20,000 Chevy. And where did that money go? Into the pockets of common autoworkers.”
Across the nation, the rich are coming forward with their painful stories. Tens of thousands of dollars wasted on shining rocks and glittering metals. Millions squandered on oversized homes, and underused private jets. And almost all of that money goes to middle and lower class workers.
“Laundry services, gardeners, cleaning staff and personal assistants all function like blood-sucking leeches on the soft underbelly of the so-called privileged class,” said a wealthy resident of Long Island, NY. “Where is the compassion for me? Where is the justice?”