(2006-09-26) — The morning after Fox News aired reporter Chris Wallace’s interview with a feisty Bill Clinton, the former president today said, “Right-wing, neocon conspiracy theorists are out to get me.”

Mr. Clinton dismissed allegations that he appeared paranoid on TV, saying, “people who call me paranoid are the exact same right-wingers, who worked behind the scenes with Chris Wallace to engineer my emotional outburst. It’s what they call a ‘wag the finger’ strategy to distract attention from the Bush administration’s foreign policy failures.”

The remark follows Mr. Clinton’s vigorous defense of his administration’s virtual assassination of al Qaeda leader Usama Bin Laden. Indeed, a spokesman for Mr. Bin Laden confirmed that during the Clinton administration, the al Qaeda leader felt “nearly threatened.”

The recent ABC miniseries The Path to 9/11, a new book called “The Looming Tower,” and Mr. Wallace’s smirking during the interview provide more evidence, he said, of the “conservative hit job” orchestrated by White House adviser Karl Rove.

Experts agreed that the most important question raised by the Wallace-Clinton interview is whether the former president’s frequent references to a book on 9/11 by former counterterrorism expert Richard Clarke can push its sales past the Noam Chomsky book recommended last week by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez at the United Nations.

(2006-09-25) — A newly-leaked top-secret National Intelligence Estimate (NIE) from April 2006 reveals that America’s 16 spy agencies have finally discovered that terrorists are created by attempts to defeat terrorists.

The report concludes that recent global terrorism by Islamic fanatics was “spawned by the presence of U.S. troops in Iraq, rather than by evil, wealthy men bent on ruling the world with their hateful, pseudo-religious ideology.”

More than a dozen members of the intelligence community were interviewed for this story, but each insisted on anonymity because, as one senior CIA official said, “folks in the intel business are supposed to keep their mouths shut about classified reports, and we’d like to continue getting our fat government paychecks for essentially playing a guessing game and writing memos.”

The April NIE is a sequel to the pre-war intelligence estimate that documented Saddam Hussein’s stockpiles of chemical weapons and his clandestine nuclear program, so it is considered highly credible by those who oppose the Bush administration’s current Iraq policy.

“Bush operates on the flawed assumption that you can defeat terrorists in Iraq and elsewhere by killing them,” said one unnamed expert familiar with the report, “but, in fact, we’ve learned that killing them actually creates them. It’s like that broomstick scene from The Sorcerer’s Apprentice‘. You chop one in half and then you’ve got two crazy animated broomsticks.”

The source said that CIA decryption analysts are now convinced that “the solution to stopping global terrorism lies in finding the ’secret word’ to break the spell and to turn these anti-Western, anti-Semitic, blood-thirsty religious fanatics into our partners in peace.”

The intelligence sources contacted for this story all refused to comment on the genesis of the terrorists who repeatedly attacked civilian and military targets in the decades leading up to the second Iraq war.

“That’s not relevant to the current debate,” said one analyst. “It’s important that we not become distracted by historical perspective.”

(2006-09-23) — United Nations authorities are probing a possible link between reports that al Qaeda leader Usama Bin Laden died recently and the peculiar sulfur smell which Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez said he detected while speaking to the U.N. General Assembly this week.

Mr. Chavez attributed the aroma to the recent appearance at the podium of “the devil,” a term of endearment for U.S. President George Bush, but chemical experts at the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) said it now seems more likely that “someone split Hell wide open recently, permitting the noxious fumes to escape.”

A French publication, L’Est Republicain, today quoted a leaked secret service memo dated September 21 which indicated that Saudi sources believe Mr. Bin Laden died in Pakistan on August 23 of typhoid fever.

An unnamed journalism expert said the fact that the Bin Laden death report was leaked should provide sufficient evidence of its reliability, but the involvement of France and Saudi Arabia makes it “a slam dunk.”

As the rumor that Usama Bin Laden is dead spread worldwide, the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) began gearing up to provide massive disaster relief in the so-called ‘blue states’ where FEMA expects members of the Democrat party will be hardest hit.

(2006-09-21) — The Republican National Committee (RNC) today offered to fund a coast-to-coast U.S. speaking tour featuring Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, in the weeks leading up to November’s Congressional elections.

The offer comes in the wake of two days of public remarks by the two foreign leaders before the United Nations, the Council on Foreign Relations and U.S. news media. Their diplomatic pronouncements included…
- denying the Holocaust,
- calling the U.S. president “the devil“,
- praying at the U.N. for the return of Islam’s fabled 12th Imam,
- praising Cuban dictator Fidel Castro,
- insisting any nation has the right to develop nuclear technology,
- portraying the United States as the locus of evil in the modern world, and
- plugging Noam Chomsky’s book “Hegemony or Survival: America’s Quest for Global Dominance.”

“President Bush can talk about his national security plan and foreign policy all day long,” said an unnamed RNC spokesman, “But no one makes a more compelling case than the duo of Mahmoud and Hugo. We want to make sure every American has an opportunity to hear these important world leaders.”

The Republican source said sponsoring the pre-election Ahmadinejad-Chavez speaking tour was also a way of “reaching across the aisle to help our colleagues in the Democrat party to get their message out, so the American voter can make an informed decision.”

(2006-09-18) — A day after violent Muslim riots spurred Pope Benedict XVI to apologize for implying that Islam has brought more evil to the world, the Pontiff today agreed to consider a petition to add the name of Islam’s founder to the pantheon of Roman Catholic saints.

A Vatican spokesman said that, as part of the Holy Father’s self-imposed penance to atone for his ill-advised remarks about Muhammad, he has given permission for the Roman Catholic church to investigate canonizing the founder of one of the world’s three great monotheistic religions.

Vatican researchers said the application is already being processed and they need only find one more verifiable after-death miracle attributed to Muhammad.

“The first is indisputable,” a Vatican source said, “We already have ample evidence that the long-dead prophet miraculously caused a major religious leader, with a reputation for infallibility, to apologize for telling the truth.”

(2006-09-15) — Pope Benedict XVI today apologized for using a quotation in a recent speech that has offended Muslim leaders by implying that the religion of Muhammad has brought little good to the world, and much evil.

Speaking at a German university this week, the Pontiff quoted a Byzantine emperor, who said, “Show me just what Muhammad brought that was new and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached.”

However, upon his return to the Vatican a contrite Mr. XVI today said, “I’m sorry if I gave the wrong impression about what Muhammad has done for the world. I was just quoting the old emperor. But upon further reflection, I was reminded of the mighty civilizations that Islam has spawned, and I marveled at their profound contribution to humanity.”

The Pope listed some of the best known predominantly-Muslim nations — Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Syria, Yemen, Indonesia, Pakistan, Bangladesh.

“Reciting the names of these Muslim lands makes me even more sorry,” he added.

A leading Muslim cleric in Baghdad welcomed the apology as he declared a Fatwa calling for the brutal execution of the 79 year-old Pontiff whom he referred to as “an infidel puppet of the Zionist pig baboons.”

(2006-09-15) — Just a day after the Senate Armed Services committee rebuffed the Bush administration’s efforts to allow aggressive interrogation techniques on captured terror suspects, a spokesman for al Qaeda praised the committee’s 15-9 vote and said it would, in turn, make its prisoner treatment protocols more humane.

“We were inspired by the humanitarianinfidels in the Senate to update our own procedures,” said the unnamed al Qaeda spokesman in an audiotape released through Al Jazeera’s CNN news division. “We have approved a three-step plan aimed at improving our humanitarian image around the world.”

According to the source, al Qaeda has already issued the following new guidelines to its terror cells worldwide via overnight donkey courier:
1) Avoid taking prisoners.
2) Use a sharp sword and a brisk side-to-side motion.
3) Grant a speedy trial after beheading.

Republican Senators John McCain of Arizona, John Warner of Virginia and Lindsey Graham of South Carolina, who spearheaded the effort to block the president’s proposal, welcomed the al Qaeda announcement as “a positive and hopeful step toward full moral equivalency between the warring superpowers.”

(2006-09-12) — Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, D-MA, today harshly criticized al Qaeda deputy Ayman al-Zawahiri for using this week’s commemoration of the 5th anniversary of the 9/11 terror attacks to release a video aimed at garnering support for the increasingly-unpopular war in Iraq.

The Massachusetts senator rejected Mr. Zawahiri’s attempt to link Iraq with the global terrorism battle, and called the speech video, aired on CNN, “cynically political.”

“The notion,” he said, “that there is somehow some connection between what happens in Baghdad and Boston, or even in Beirut is nothing but rhetoric meant to keep people afraid so that Zawahiri and bin Laden can maintain their grip on power.”

Sen. Kennedy also faulted Mr. Zawahiri for “violating the wall between church and state” by including the name of Allah in his pronouncements, and leaving the impression that “anyone who doesn’t believe like us is wrong.”

“The intolerance and arrogance of the man make me embarrassed to call myself an Earthling,” Mr. Kennedy said. “Zawahiri is almost as bad as President Bush.”

(2006-09-09) — Just a day after the Senate Intelligence committee released a report [PDF] finding no pre-war connection between Saddam Hussein and al-Qaeda, aides said unpublished findings of the committee’s probe also indicate no verifiable link between the senate and intelligence.

“Senate intelligence turns out to be a misnomer, or perhaps an oxymoron,” said one unnamed aide. “Our research turned up no substantial connections…nothing but hearsay from unreliable witnesses.”

The 151-page published report would seem to refute the Bush administration’s pre-war claims of a Hussein-Qaeda link, the source said, as well as the committee’s post-war claim to be conducting a thorough investigation.

(2051-09-11) — As part of the nation’s month-long celebration of the 50th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, ABC television tonight will show an educational drama called ‘The Path from 9/11‘.

The docudrama recounts the initial resistance to global jihad mounted by the infidels of the former United States of America in the immediate aftermath of the great martyrdom operation.

But then the tide turns in favor of the budding Islamic caliphate (Allah be praised!). As memories of the 2001 attacks fade, world opinion turns against the Great Satan. Then the Great Satan turns on itself, consumed from within by a toxic combination of political ambition and cowardice masquerading as tolerance.

The Path from 9/11: A Triumph of the Will illustrates the righteousness of Usama Bin Laden’s cause, and how his unswerving commitment to jihad ensured the establishment of our glorious global Caliphate, upon which today the sun never sets.

The program begins tonight at 7 p.m., right after Chief Justice al-Zawahiri leads Sunset Prayer Live from the National Mosque and just before a very special episode of American Idol.

The Path from 9/11, includes a scholastic study guide for boys, and is required viewing for all subjects of the Islamic Republic of America.

Advanced overnight ratings indicate the show will notch a 100 share and shall win its timeslot.