(2007-02-12) — Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today confirmed U.S. allegations that high-ranking Iranian officials provide Shiite militias in Iraq with armor-piercing explosives, however, Iran’s president said the devices are for peaceful purposes only.

“No one can deny the right of the Iranian people to develop technology that improves our lives,” said Mr. Ahmadinejad. “Although we cannot control how our Iraqi customers use our products, we make these armor-piercing devices to generate energy.”

The Iranian leader noted that the devices are “especially useful for bringing light to confined dark places, like the inside of an Abrams tank or Humvee, as well as for providing a plentiful source of instant heat.”

(2007-02-07) — House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, said today that the war in Iraq has become an unwinnable quagmire largely due to high U.S. troop morale in the theater of operations, which is why, she said, that the House should approve a non-binding resolution opposing the president’s troop surge plan.

“When I was in Iraq recently, I met the brave men and women of our fighting force,” said Rep. Pelosi. “Their spirits were high, their resolve was firm. They believe in the righteousness of their cause and know that Americans back home love and support them. Their high morale was so consistent across the board that it’s the only logical explanation for our poor performance in Iraq.”

That’s why, said the Speaker, that the best way to “turn things around and getting them heading in the other direction is to deal with the unreasonably elevated esprit de corps of our troops.”

Today’s remarks were Rep. Pelosi’s first full explanation of her party’s push to approve an anti-surge resolution.

“It’s the confidence and commitment of our military that’s getting us in deeper trouble,” she said. “The non-binding resolution addresses that, without forcing any lawmaker to do something rash, like vote his conscience.”

(2007-02-02) — In the wake of a scientific report from the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) that global warming is likely man-made, al Qaeda interim spokesman Ayman al-Zawahiri today issued a formal apology for his organization’s role in emitting “human pollutants” into the atmosphere.

Mr. Zawahiri, in a videotaped message, said, “When I read the climate change report and saw that much of the problem is made of man, I said to myself, ‘Ayman, you will never win respect in the global community if you keep destroying Mother Earth with this human-based pollution.’”

The renowned Muslim cleric, financier and entrepreneur noted that a “byproduct of our industry is a certain amount of biological particulate emissions, along with the normal carbon-based and synthetic toxins which naturally vent from our work sites.”

Al Qaeda scientists are working on ways to mitigate emissions, including development of a “filter bag” to be worn by the jihadi on his last day at work. That prototype won’t be ready for market. however, until researchers can figure out “how to stifle emissions without reducing total output and gross domestic product.”

A spokesman for IPCC welcomed the apology, but noted that SUV drivers and cigarette smokers in the United States produce more greenhouse gases in a single day than al Qaeda does in six or seven martyrdom operations.

“It’s the Americans who need to change their lifestyles,” said the IPCC source. “Al Qaeda’s impact is minimal, and from a strictly scientific point of view, may be helpful, because each of their endeavors tends to remove a number of gas-producers from the earth, resulting in a net reduction greenhouse gas emissions over several decades.”

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(2007-01-29) — A misunderstanding over remarks by former presidential hopeful John Kerry at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, has drawn swarms of camera-wielding paparazzi to the Massachusetts senator, forcing him to beef up his security detail.

The problem began after Sen. Kerry said that the United States has become an “international pariah.” However, gossip among news reporters in dozens of languages using the terms “pariah” and “Kerry” led some to think that the lanky Yankee was actually pop star Mariah Carey.

European fans clustered with the photographers, shouting out requests that Sen. Kerry sing Mariah Carey’s greatest hits like, “I Don’t Wanna Cry,” “Someday” and “Can’t Let Go.”

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(2007-01-21) — U.S. President George Bush today said he thinks Venezuela’s new tourism slogan, unveiled during President Hugo Chavez’s weekly broadcast, “really captures the appeal of the place for American travelers, and makes a bold call to action.”

Within the past two weeks, Mr. Chavez received authority from parliament to rule by decree, announced plans to nationalize several major industries and declared his belief that “capitalism is the road to the destruction of the world.”

However, a spokesman for Mr. Chavez denied that the Venezuelan president had introduced a new tourism slogan aimed at Americans, noting that the only remark in his speech directed to U.S. citizens was “Go to Hell, Gringos.”

Mr. Bush, when told of the denial, said, “My bad. It sure sounded like a Venezuelan tourism advertisement to me.”

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(2007-01-19) — The Chinese ambassador to the United States today apologized for what he called “a roman candle gone awry” which U.S. intelligence experts mistook for a missile test that hit an orbiting Chinese weather satellite.

According to a statement released to the media, the ambassador said, “It is understandable that the U.S. would have concern if a communist superpower demonstrated the ability to hit military, communications and navigational satellites, thereby blinding the Pentagon. Of course, this did not happen.”

The Chinese, famous for their fireworks, were apparently testing a new type of roman candle destined for American store shelves in time for Independence Day 2007.

“We wanted something spectacular so the Americans could celebrate their democracy,” the statement said. “It turns out that the prototype had a range of some 537 vertical miles, and was inadvertently mounted with a kill vehicle that took out one of our aging satellites with astonishing precision.”

China immediately promised that the U.S. will “never see such a mistake again.”

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(2007-01-17) — On the heels of devastating ice storms in the Western and Midwestern United States, that resulted in dozens of accidental deaths and more than $1 billion in damage to citrus crops, President George Bush plans to use his State of the Union address next week to call for a “major surge in carbon-rich smog to spur man-made global warming.”

White House sources said today that the president is concerned about the lethargic pace of U.S. production of greenhouse gases, and believes a preemptive campaign to bolster heat-trapping particulates in the atmosphere is the only way to fend off apocalyptic visions of what he calls “a day without orange juice.”

Mr. Bush will reportedly call for a new international protocol in which industries that don’t produce greenhouse gas emissions would be permitted to buy credits from heavy smog producers to atone for their failure to help provide the earth with a “protective blanket.”

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(2007-01-15) — President George Bush, under pressure from the Iraq Study Group to open negotiations with Iran, today named a lead negotiator whom he said is already on the way to meet with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Jack Bauer, a freelance intelligence contractor and former agent with the Counter-Terrorism Unit (CTU), has been dispatched to Mr. Ahmadinejad’s office for a “diplomatic listening session” aimed at determining the best way to halt Iran’s nuclear weapons program, and shipment of arms to terrorists in Iraq.

“For some reason, people like to talk to Jack Bauer,” said Mr. Bush. “He’s a straight-shooter, good at establishing mutual understanding and I think he and President Ahmadinejad will come to a rapid agreement on terms favorable to global peace and security.”

Although Iranian government officials said no negotiations with the U.S. had been scheduled, Mr. Bush described the talks as a “unilateral diplomatic initiative that will be under way before they know it.”

(2007-01-11) — In an early display of her newly-acquired political power, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi threatened today to stage a symbolic vote on a non-binding resolution rejecting President George Bush’s plan to send more troops to Iraq and endorsing a strategic withdrawal.

“We’re going to stand up to the president,” said Rep. Pelosi, D-CA. “We’re going to tell Bush that he can’t just do whatever he wants without facing the symbolic wrath of the American people as expressed through the non-binding words of their representatives.”

The Speaker said she would call the full House to order, and take two votes.

“I’ll ask those who oppose the president’s troop surge to raise their right hands,” she said, “and those who favor rapid withdrawal of U.S. forces to raise their left hands as well.”

White House spokesman Tony Snow, when asked for Mr. Bush’s reaction to the vote, said simply, “Sounds like a photo op.”

(2007-01-07) — A draft copy of the speech President George Bush plans to deliver this week about “the new way forward” in Iraq has leaked to the media from a White House source who requested anonymity due to the unethical and treasonous nature of the leak.

In the text the president explains why he’s ordering an increase in U.S. troops in Iraq, rather than heeding the demands of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid for implementing what the president calls “a strategic skedaddle.”

Portions of the speech text are excerpted here…

My fellow Americans, as I stand to speak with you tonight, some 132,000 U.S. troops stand tall in Iraq. I want to tell you tonight what they stand for. I’m also going to call on thousands more of our heroes to stand with them, and I want to explain why this fight is too important to lose.

As you may have heard, I have directed the Secretary of Defense to boost our troop strength in Iraq immediately. This, of course, will spark new Congressional hearings. Since you don’t have time to watch all those hours of C-Span, I’ll give you the condensed version now.

Increasing our fighting force by 20,000 will not only allow us to better support the Iraqi Army’s new effort to crush sectarian militias, but it also means we can have several armed U.S. divisions on Iran’s border within hours. Once Israeli jets obliterate Iran’s nuclear facilities, we’ll be on the doorstep.

Whoa, did I say that out loud or just think it?

Folks, we’re not at war with the average Iraqi citizen. We’re fighting proxies — deployed, armed and funded by Iran and al Qaeda — who are taking advantage of the Iraqi government’s chaotic infancy to advance their vision of a global Muslim caliphate. This is not a neo-con nightmare fantasy, it’s the enemy’s stated goal.

You’ve probably heard from the news media that the Iraqi insurgency is stoked by high unemployment. Well, if folks can’t pay their bills or buy groceries, where do you think they get the money to make bombs and to buy guns? Do you know how much lamb and falafel you can buy for the cost of one AK-47? The lack of money is not the problem. The people supplying the money are the problem.

As a wise man once said, ‘Civil war isn’t breaking out in Iraq, it’s breaking in.’

Some tell me that the American public doesn’t understand the stakes…that you’re too stupid to comprehend the cost of failure in Iraq, or the benefit of victory. I don’t believe that.

But just in case there’s a journalist or a politician out there who doesn’t understand why we fight, and why we must win, let me make it plain.

In every country where radical Islam takes over, the first people to fall under the sword are journalists and politicians. There is no free press under Sharia law, and no room for politicians who would advance the rights of women and homosexuals or the freedom to choose an abortion. There is no debate on these issues, because people who would speak out against Sharia law never speak again. Incidentally, there’s no debate about the death penalty either, although the appeals process for the convicted can sometimes drag on for minutes on end.

If you think America should back away from this fight, think about this:
Picture a future where the number two (Iran) and number three (Iraq) oil reserves in the world are in the hands of our sworn enemies. How long do you think it would take them to expand their regime to Kuwait, Yemen, Dubai and Saudi Arabia? Which non-Muslim nations might be the first to capitulate to whatever demands these petroleum-rich whack-jobs might make? Who would stand in the way? The United Nations, perhaps?

And let me paraphrase the late John Lennon…
Imagine there’s no Israel.
It’s easy if you try.
Just give Iraq to Ahmadinejad.
Jerusalem, bye-bye.

A lot of well-meaning Americans seem to think that there are a lot of well-meaning radical Islamists, who want only justice for their cause, and then they would settle down and live in harmony with their infidel brothers…that’s you and me.

Do you think the Islamic warlord Moktada al-Sadr would like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony?

No, he’d like to teach the world chant in bland monotony, he’d like to put a bloody end to Christianity. He’s the real thing, and so is Ayman al-Zawahiri, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Sheik Hassan Nasrallah and dozens of other radical Islamic leaders who are willing to pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, in order to assure the destruction and demise of liberty and its primary champion, the United States of America.

Let’s face the facts. Iran declared war on the U.S. in 1979. Al Qaeda declared war on the U.S. in 1998. No truce or ceasefire has been signed. Iran and al Qaeda remain at war with us, whether we acknowledge it or not.

And if we continue to stumble on as if these well-funded, suicidal hate machines don’t exist, or can’t hit us, we’re going to wake up one morning to news that the tallest structure in New York is the subway.

If we wavered at news of 3,000 troops dead overseas, what will we do with news of 300,000 or 3 million dead in our own land. If we’re willing to capitulate now, how will we handle their demands then?

Keep in mind, the first to fall under Sharia law will be the media. The radical Islamists have already demonstrated an ability to dominate the headlines through random acts of terror. What will they be able to accomplish when they control the media directly?

It will be too late to act when you go to your mailbox and find the Sports Illustrated Annual Burqa Edition. It will be too late when basic cable consists of Al Jazeera and the Fatwa Channel. It will be too late when butterfly ballots and Diebold machines are virtually error free because there are only two choices — yes and no.

Perhaps you don’t think this is possible — that I’m just trying to scare you. That’s because you took the Self-Esteem elective in high school instead of American history.

The only reason that English isn’t your second language after German…the only reason the Congress isn’t called the Reichstag…
the only reason the president isn’t called the Führer (by sane people)…is that the blood of more than one million Americans and the toil and sacrifice of millions more scrubbed the stain of Nazism from the face of the earth.

The men and women who remember what it took to accomplish that are in the winter of their years now, and so the task falls to a new generation of reluctant heroes. In their day, they heard the same excuses for not taking bold, overwhelming, decisive action. But they eventually ignored those voices and listened to a higher calling.

They gave, they fought, they suffered, they died. And because they did, we receive, we relax, we enjoy and we live. Those are good things…but our comfort and plenty have also lead us to slumber.

Those of us with the luxury of remaining stateside in this conflict debate the war as if it were a purely philosophical question. Some folks are more concerned with appearances, tolerance and the civil rights of our enemies than with the future of freedom.

A lot of people say that our military policy has to take into account Iraqi cultural and religious sensitivities as well as tribal customs and loyalties.

Hog wash.

If you blow up people with sophisticated remote-triggered roadside bombs, or send a young man strapped with explosives into a crowded market, you have cashed in your culture, your religion and your noble-savage tribal mystique. You’re a bloodthirsty terrorist and I’m not going to waste a minute of the State Department’s time trying to negotiate with you. Your file has been transferred to the Pentagon. Your days are numbered.

If you have legitimate grievances, take them to the legitimately-constituted courts or legislature.

You want to be taken seriously? Take off the rag mask, drop the AK-47, slip out of that fashionable explosive vest and start exercising some of that legendary Muslim wisdom or doing some of those charitable deeds for which your religion is so well-known.

So, here’s our new strategy in plain terms:
-Defeat the enemy.
-Extinguish the flame of radical Islam.
-Talk after victory.

Today, I’m warning the tyrant in Tehran that any weapons we find in Iraq stamped with his return address shall be returned upon his head a thousand fold.

I’m offering the people who live around Iran’s nuclear facilities 36 hours to get out of town, because we’re about to deliver a major setback to Ahmadinejad’s peaceful energy research.

Finally, I’m inviting the president of Iran to fly to Washington D.C. where he’ll be taken into custody, given a fair trial for his complicity in the 1979 Iran hostage crisis, and then whisked away to comfortable quarters at one of our fine maximum security prisons.

This is certainly a more desirable fate than the one that awaits him when the people of Iran rise up and take back their country from this hairball in a leisure suit and his black-robed overlords.

Thank you for listening. May God bless our troops, and grant them victory.