(2007-02-15) — Former liberal radio host Al Franken, in announcing his candidacy for the U.S. senate in Minnesota, yesterday shocked his potential constituents by revealing that he was once a comedian.

“I realize that most people may be skeptical about my credentials,” said the recently-resigned Air America talkhost in a web video, “But seriously, I was a comedian. I did Saturday Night Live. I played comedy clubs. It’s a matter of public record and I invite journalists to do the research to verify my claim.”

Mr. Franken did not provide any evidence to buttress his allegation about this little-known chapter in his career, but instead devoted the bulk of his announcement video to claims that he has ancestors who worked for a living.

“My wife, Franny, and I come from working class backgrounds,” said Mr. Franken, “Of course, I got away from that miserable, pathetic lifestyle as fast as I could.”

(2007-02-10) — In what many consider a backhanded slap at the conservative Fox News Channel, Democrat Sen. Barack Obama plans to officially declare his presidential candidacy today in Springfield, but his campaign has not invited the town’s most famous residents — Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie Simpson — to the speech.

The controversy over the Simpson snubbing threatens to overshadow what should have been the high-point of Mr. Obama’s career, and his greatest accomplishment to date.

The Simpsons, whose fame grew from simple comedy sketches and led to a popular Fox TV show and a feature-length Hollywood movie, have almost single-handedly put Springfield on the map and made it virtually the best-loved town in America.

“Obama is using Springfield to ride Homer’s coattails,” said Mr. Simpson’s agent, “He says he’s running a new kind of political campaign, but by ignoring the Simpsons right in Homer’s backyard, he sends a clear message that it’s politics as usual.”

(2007-02-06) — San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, who yesterday told staff he’s seeking treatment for alcoholism, deflected reporters’ questions about a potential presidential run in 2008.

“Just because I had an affair with a top aide’s wife, and I happen to be an alcoholic, doesn’t mean I aspire to higher office,” the mayor said in a written statement. “Drinking and adultery are just part of who I am, not some carefully-crafted image makeover designed to prepare me for a national campaign.”

Despite his denials, talk of a Newsom-Clinton ticket crackled along the Blackberry network and in the halls of the Democrat National Committee (DNC) yesterday.

“He’s playing coy right now,” said one unnamed DNC staffer. “But insiders know that his announcements in the past two weeks are tantamount to forming an exploratory committee.”

Mayor Newsom, who built his credibility in the local Democrat party as the owner of several wine and nightclub businesses, established himself as a national party icon by presiding over 3,955 homosexual “marriages” that were later struck down by the California Supreme Court which ruled that Mr. Newsom had violated state law.

“Clearly, Gavin Newsom’s star continues to rise,” the DNC source said. “He’s walking in the footsteps of the great ones, and making zero mistakes.”

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(2007-01-29) — A misunderstanding over remarks by former presidential hopeful John Kerry at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, has drawn swarms of camera-wielding paparazzi to the Massachusetts senator, forcing him to beef up his security detail.

The problem began after Sen. Kerry said that the United States has become an “international pariah.” However, gossip among news reporters in dozens of languages using the terms “pariah” and “Kerry” led some to think that the lanky Yankee was actually pop star Mariah Carey.

European fans clustered with the photographers, shouting out requests that Sen. Kerry sing Mariah Carey’s greatest hits like, “I Don’t Wanna Cry,” “Someday” and “Can’t Let Go.”

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(2007-01-29) — Just a day after laughing along with the crowd at an Iowa campaign stop over a question about how her background prepares her to deal with “evil, bad men” Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-NY, today said such men must be “neutralized” and that she “knows how to do it.”

Despite her laughter about the “bad men” remark, Sen. Clinton said, “I was thinking of no one in particular, but whoever I was not thinking of will eventually pay for his nefarious deeds when I am president.”

Reporters speculated about whether her remarks referred to terror leader Usama Bin Laden, or perhaps even to her husband, former President Bill Clinton who violated their marriage covenant when he sexually abused a young White House intern.

The senator, however, refused to specify and simply said, “I wouldn’t be where I am today if I didn’t know how to neutralize such men.”

“If a bad man knows me at all,” she said, “he knows that I have always been able protect my liberty to pursue my vision for the future and I can do the same for the United States of America when I’m commander in chief.”

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(2007-01-27) — Tens of thousands of protesters will rally today on the mall in Washington D.C. to call on President George Bush to bring U.S. troops home from Iraq, and to demand better celebrity spokesmen for their cause.

Celebrities slated to speak at the rally include Jane Fonda, Susan Sarandon, Danny Glover and the Rev. Jesse Jackson. Three of them have made careers out of pretending to be someone they’re not, while Ms. Fonda is best known as the daughter of actor Henry Fonda.

Organizers said the biggest challenge facing the anti-war movement today is how to hold together a loose coalition of groups with divergent agendas using celebrities who peaked in popularity 10 to 30 years ago.

“The speaker roster reminds me of the old Hollywood Squares game show,” said one unnamed staffer of Vegan Lesbians for Racial and Nuclear Justice, whose dozens of members will cross the continent to join the rally today. “I mean Fonda, Sarandon, Glover and Jackson might as well be Charo, Joan Rivers, George Gobel and Paul Lynde. How am I going get my group excited about geopolitical and military strategy with these has beens leading the way?”

(2007-01-20) — Sen. Hillary Clinton plans to announce her presidential campaign slogan Monday morning but an early draft has already leaked to the news media.

Following in the footsteps of her husband, whose famous 1992 rallying cry was “It’s the economy, stupid”, the former First Lady is expected to announce that her slogan will be: “It’s Bush stupid.”

Noted Democrat linguist George Lakoff is reportedly hammering out the exact word order for the final version, but Mrs. Clinton has given her approval to the concept “in principle.”

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(2007-01-16) — First-term Sen. Barack Obama, D-IL, today said he’s excited about the formation of his presidential exploratory committee, and has already learned a lot from the process.

“This morning, I got a call from the chairman of my exploratory committee,” said the 45-year-old lawmaker. “He says they’ve already discovered that the presidency is a big, important job and that the president lives in a special place called The White House.”

Mr. Obama said the exploratory process has also revealed that the president is commander-in-chief of the armed forces, and the head of the executive branch of government.

On February 10, the senator plans to make a formal declaration, in his home state of Illinois, of everything the exploratory committee discovers.

“I’ve already learned so much,” he said. “I can’t wait to share with the rest of the country what presidents do, and what they wear and other things that we haven’t even explored yet.”

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(2007-01-13) — President Gerald R. Ford, who since his death last month has released a barrage of personal opinions about U.S. presidents and their policies, today announced a new program to overcome the devastating inflation that plagued his brief time in the White House.

Early on in his first 100 days as a dead president, Mr. Ford has already racked up a series of “impressive” accomplishments, including questioning the rationale for invading Iraq, calling former President Jimmy Carter a “disaster” and saying President Ronald Reagan was ignorant of government and a bad manager.

The late former president, best known for pardoning President Richard Nixon, said his new economic proposal would build on his previous ‘Whip Inflation Now’ campaign, that attempted to beat back consumer prices with distribution of attractive red buttons bearing the acronym WIN.

“I’ve always felt that a president can accomplish more from the casket than from the Oval Office,” Mr. Ford said. “That’s why I’ve waited until now to unleash my courageous opinions about Reagan, Carter and Bush.”

The 38th president said he enjoys leading the nation from the grave, “because there are no elections to lose, and no term limits.”

(2007-01-11) — In an early display of her newly-acquired political power, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi threatened today to stage a symbolic vote on a non-binding resolution rejecting President George Bush’s plan to send more troops to Iraq and endorsing a strategic withdrawal.

“We’re going to stand up to the president,” said Rep. Pelosi, D-CA. “We’re going to tell Bush that he can’t just do whatever he wants without facing the symbolic wrath of the American people as expressed through the non-binding words of their representatives.”

The Speaker said she would call the full House to order, and take two votes.

“I’ll ask those who oppose the president’s troop surge to raise their right hands,” she said, “and those who favor rapid withdrawal of U.S. forces to raise their left hands as well.”

White House spokesman Tony Snow, when asked for Mr. Bush’s reaction to the vote, said simply, “Sounds like a photo op.”