[Updated 2005-09-07. Details below.]
(2005-01-12) — In another uncharacteristic effort to woo the masses, Apple CEO Steve Jobs today announced that starting in February his company would ship a “starter version” of the iconic Macintosh computer which will sell for only $29 — hardware not included.

The announcement follows yesterday’s launch of a $499 Mac mini — a small metal box with no monitor, keyboard, mouse, or other peripherals.

The new $29 Apple Nano-Mac promises to “reduce desktop clutter, while instilling the confidence and feelings of self-worth shared by Mac users worldwide,” Mr. Jobs said.

And while critics charged that the bargain-priced Nano-Mac is “little more than a silver Apple logo sticker on an empty matchbox with no ports, plugs, peripherals or programs,” Mr. Jobs was quick to point out that all of those “high-end extras can be purchased at Apple.com by users who like the Mac culture and zeitgeist and want to upgrade to a more hardware-centric experience.”

[UPDATE: If you came to this page looking for the new iPod Nano, here are some links (below). No lawsuit is pending over ScrappleFace’s previous use of the word ‘Nano’ in connection with an Apple product because our attorney advises us that Microsoft already owns the rights to such names.]

(2004-12-31) — A new survey from the Stanford Institute for the Quantitative Study of Society shows that relationships with family and friends may reduce both the quantity and quality of time spent surfing the internet.

Researchers say the new data show that Americans enjoy the internet less, and use it less frequently when burdened by “outdated relational protocols and so-called family responsibilities.”

“We’re really talking about a rip in the fabric of society,” said one unnamed Stanford researcher. “Internet users who are saddled with too many face-to-face relationships report a decreased level of satisfaction with their virtual relationships.”

As news of the study broke, several internet advocacy groups called an impromptu summit to discuss the implications of a world where people actually hear each other laugh out loud, and share smiles without the use of emoticons.

(2004-12-21) — A new study by European Union (EU) researchers shows that the electromagnetic radiation from cellular phones can cause DNA mutations that reproduce, “opening the door to new vistas in human evolution,” according to a spokesman for the cell phone industry.

“A lot of the news you’ll hear in the coming days will dwell on the potential for health damage, tumors and the like,” said the unnamed industry source. “But if Darwin was right, mutations are good for our species. The faster our cells mutate the faster we’ll evolve and fulfill the dreams of generations of evolutionary biologists.”

The spokesman acknowledged that during the initial waves of mutation the natural selection process “could get messy,” but he insisted that “most mutations would be beneficial — potentially yielding larger brains, additional ears (’Can you hear me now?’) or even an extra appendage for holding a cell phone while driving.”

“Thanks to cell phones, you can accomplish everything more quickly,” said the source. “We’ve taken Darwinian evolution from the realm of wishful thinking for atheists, to something that may produce results in a generation or less. We’ve just turbo-charged the time factor and reduced the element of chance making evolution faster and more reliable.”

One cell phone company is reportedly already focus-group testing ads with the slogan “We’re the missing link.”

(2004-12-19) — Microsoft Corp. today released a new security patch for its Internet Explorer (IE) web browser which prevents users from accidentally or intentionally downloading the new free, open-source Firefox browser from The Mozilla Foundation.

“Firefox is a dangerous and contagious browser that could seriously jeopardize marketshare,” said an unnamed Microsoft spokesman. “Unless consumers take action to block Firefox, it could speed up web surfing and return control of user computers to the users themselves.”

The source added that Internet Explorer is a superior product because it allows computer experts, called ‘hackers’, to control your computer.

“Who would you rather have in control of your PC?” the Microsoft spokesman asked rhetorically, “Do you want an expert who knows every line of the IE code, or some bozo like you who just walks into Circuit City and buys the cheapest PC off the shelf?”

Although Microsoft recommends that IE users download the anti-Firefox patch immediately, users who fail to do so will get it anyway within two weeks through Windows automatic updates.

Asked whether Mozilla’s free email program, Thunderbird, could also pose a threat to Microsoft’s Outlook, the spokesman said, “There is no competition for Outlook. We have not heard of Thunderbird, and we are not now preparing a patch to block it, which will be released in January.”

(2004-12-14) — A cooperative venture between Google, the internet search engine company, and several major universities promises to bring “the thrill of the public library” to home and office, making it easier for millions of ordinary people to access the contents of books that few want to read.

“Studies show that 80 percent of U.S. families did not buy or read a book last year, and 58 percent of adults never read another book after high school,” said a Google spokesman. “When this project is complete, we’ll place tens of thousands of volumes of classic literature at their fingertips, where they can fail to read them in the privacy of their own homes.”

If the project succeeds, the source said, public libraries could dispose of their collections of flammable dust-magnets (trade jargon for ‘books’) and could finally focus on their primary mission — reheating homeless people while they surf the net at broadband speeds.

“And for those who enjoy a lazy afternoon reading a book, doing so online will enhance their enjoyment of this leisurely pursuit,” said the Google source. “In fact, with a dial-up internet connection it could take as long as three leisurely minutes just to turn the page.”

(2004-08-30) — The Internet officially turns 35-years-old on September 2, and according to sources close to the world wide web, it may finally move out of its parents’ basement.

Born in 1969, the Internet really came of age during the early 1990s. But with a tough job market, the Internet couldn’t earn a decent living doing anything “legitimate,” according to friends of the family.

“We’ll miss little Webby,” said his father, “but we’re hoping he’ll find a way to make money outside of the gaming and adult entertainment industries. Now that he’s out of the basement, we’re hoping to put something more useful down there-like a sump pump.”

(2004-05-18) — Almost a day after phoning tech support to solve a software glitch, NASA’s Mars Rover rebooted this morning and seems to be functioning normally.

Engineers at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) in Pasadena, California, said the Rover dialed the tech support number for the vendor of its operating system software late Sunday night, but the automated phone system notified the Rover that “due to the unusually high call volume your estimated time on hold will be 72 hours, six minutes, 33 seconds.”

“Actually, we were delighted that the Rover was able to get through to a tech support representative in only 23 hours,” said an unnamed JPL spokesman. “There was an initial bit of confusion due to the Rover’s difficulty comprehending the tech guy’s Indian accent, but after the trouble ticket was written and the issue escalated only twice, the Rover was told to hold down its Control, Alt and Delete keys simultaneously. That did the trick.”

The JPL source said the Rover spent most of the 23-hour hold time listening to a MIDI version of The Girl from Ipanema, interrupted by periodic assurances that the Rover’s call was “important.”

(2003-10-16) — It’s every taikonaut’s dream to be the best in the world. Yang Liwei is no different. The former fighter pilot became internationally famous this week by being the first Chinese person launched into space. Now, he wants to go big time.
Immediately after his safe landing on the Mongolian grasslands, Colonel Yang got a satellite phone call from an American astronaut agency with an offer from NASA that he said was “more sweet than sour.”
“We’re talking big dollars,” said Col. Yang. “The government salary’s not much, but the endorsements will bump it into seven figures. We’re talking to the Space Food Sticks people about a new kung pao flavor, and the Tang people love the sound of my name.”
A Chinese government spokesman said China might reluctantly part with their star taikonaut in exchange for “reasonable remuneration and some more technology stuff like we used to get from comrade Clinton.”

(200310-14) — A new cellular phone with global positioning technology will direct Muslim devotees toward Mecca for prayer, and Muslim fanatics toward Israeli bus stops and other large gatherings of “infidels”.
Targeted at the Middle Eastern Muslim market, the GHD911 comes equipped with an electronic compass to direct the faithful toward Mecca. For a small additional charge, members of Islamic Jihad, Hamas, Al Qaeda and other social service organizations can get the Martyr-ola plug-in which directs the customer to the largest concentration of infidels within a 500 mile radius.
“Many of our customers live in desert areas where it’s difficult to determine direction,” said an unnamed spokesman for the manufacturer. “The GHD911 will allow them to effectively perform their two most important duties — Salat, the five-times daily prayers, and jihad.”
The phone also includes an animated tour of heaven, with realistic depictions of the dozens of virgins who await the shahid, or martyr. The GHD911 also features two “hot terminal ports” that can be wired to any device which requires a brief jolt of electricity triggered remotely.
“We’re not sure what our fanatical customers will do with that feature, but our focus groups said it was essential,” the spokesman said. “With the GHD911 we think we have invented the next wireless killer app.”