Archive for the ‘Economy’ Category

Obama Triumph: U.S. Reaches ‘Full Under-Employment’

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Triumphant President Obama

President Obama celebrates news that the U.S. economy has reached full under-employment, thus affirming his approach to “progressive recovery.”

(2015-03-06) — The Obama administration today celebrated a new milepost in what it calls “our progressive recovery” as government figures show the jobless rate dropped to 5.5%, wages remained stable, and the labor-force participation rate slipped to 62.8 percent.

“Thanks to President Obama’s leadership, we’ve reached full under-employment,” said White House spokesman Josh Earnest. “Nearly everyone who still has any hope of getting a job, has at least one job — and often more than one. A lot of newly-employed people have thanked the president as they wash his golfballs, or pick the turf out of his cleats. It’s heartwarming.”

While critics focus on the vast numbers of discouraged workers who, long ago, stopped looking for employment, the Obama administration touted its skill at “clearing the field” for workers who can stay motivated for the months or years it takes to find new jobs.

“The nation’s employers are getting a better caliber of worker, and often for up to 29 hours a week,” said Earnest at the daily White House press briefing. “These are the survivors, unburdened of the arrogance of expertise, experience and education that can prevent an engineer, for example, from accepting that part-time offer to enter the creatively-fulfilling field of cash-register management, or linoleum scuff removal?”

The White House spokesman said the president hopes that the 37.2 percent of workers who have abandoned the job search, along with those workers who haven’t had a raise in years, and the folks doing minimum-wage jobs practically round-the-clock will, “for the sake of our progressive recovery, stay the course.”

SkyMall Bankrupt: Fliers Resigned to Analog Litter Boxes

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Electronic Cat Litter Box SkyMall | ScrappleFace

America’s cats may be hardest hit by the announcement that SkyMall — the in-flight catalog felines count on for essential survival items — has declared bankruptcy.

(2015-01-23) — With the bankruptcy of SkyMall, the in-flight catalog, airline passengers nationwide report that they’re now stuck with non-electronic cat-litter disposal systems, among other shocking inconveniences.

It’s hard to know exactly how many house cats the bankruptcy will affect, experts said. But countless millions of felines now to stand in their own waste, knowing that what they deposit will still be there when they return — rather than be electronically whisked into a hermetically-sealed drawer.

“Every time I take the red-eye to L.A.X., I tell myself I’m going to order that robotic cat-litter gizmo,” said one unnamed airline passenger. “Now that SkyMall is bankrupt, I could kick myself . It was only about three-hundred-fifty bucks, but I never did it — just like I never clean our analog litter box. It just seemed like too much trouble to pick up the phone, or that little shovel.”

Revised Data Show 6 Years of Steep Economic Growth

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Revised figures show robust growth 2009-2014(2014-07-30) — The White House today released revised economic data from the Commerce Department that shows the recession and stagnation of the past six years was actually a time of booming economic growth.

“Commerce periodically reviews the numbers and revises its estimates,” said White House spokesman Josh Earnest (which is his real name). “The president was delighted to see that the latest revision marks the start of the turnaround on or about January 20, 2009. His second inauguration spurred another surge. These revisions won’t surprise anyone who really knows the president, or at least none who work for him.”

Earnest attributed the new upbeat perspective on economic growth to “President Obama’s skill in crafting executive economic policy, new insights in mathematics from Common Core, and some recent personnel changes at the Department of Commerce’s Office of GDP Review.

Obama’s EPA Mandates Homes Powered by Friction

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bicycle generator

“The future is friction,” President Obama said today as he endorsed new EPA regulations shutting down all other types of power and heat generation.


(2014-07-29) — Warning that the economic cost of global warming in the U.S. could soon mount to $150 billion per year, President Barack Obama today announced a new array of Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) rules that would, among other things, require U.S. homes to be powered and heated by friction alone.

“We know that fossil fuel emissions will soon incinerate the planet, and could reduce Gross Domestic Product (GDP) in the U.S. by up to 3.1 percent,” Obama said. “We also know that wind power slaughters birds, solar and water power clutter the landscape and disturb wildlife, batteries contain corrosive chemicals-and are often not included anyway — and nuclear power creates tsunamis, as we saw in Fukushima, Japan, not so long ago. America’s last best hope is friction.”

“As long as I’m in this White House,” President Obama said, “the future is friction.”

Under the new rules from the EPA, the power industry would have up to 90 days to make the transition to friction generators after disabling existing power plants at the end of August.

Americans unwilling to wait 90 days could create their own friction at home, using simple hand cranks, bicycles, political discussions or visits from the in-laws.

GOP: Obama Tanks Economy to Distract from Scandals

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(2014-06-25) — Just hours after the Commerce Department revised economic growth figures for the first quarter of 2014 dramatically downward, a spokesman for Republicans in Congress said President Obama is “tanking the economy to distract from Benghazi, IRS, NSA and other scandals which threaten to bring down his presidency.”

Unemployment line

Republicans released this picture of Americans lining up to learn more about Obama administration scandals involving Benghazi, the IRS, the VA, the NSA and Obamacare.

The U.S. economy reportedly shrank 2.9 percent from January to March this year, according to the new numbers from Commerce, but a GOP lawmaker immediately questioned the reliability of the data.

“I’ll believe the economy is in its worst shape in five years when I see the original emails from the Commerce Secretary to the president,” the unnamed Republican lawmaker said. “Now, the left-wing media will be chattering about the pathetic, moribund economy instead of what we Republicans have been talking about for several years. The timing of this is just a little too convenient, if you ask me.”

The unnamed lawmaker emphasized that he’s not a “conspiracy nut.”

However, he added, “Why do you think they released this horrible economic news in the midst of public uproar about the V.A. scandal, the IRS losing emails and Obamacare — not to mention the president being caught on camera reaching over the sneeze shield at Chipotle?”

A White House spokesman rejected the allegations, noting that, “The president learned about the lousy economy on the news, just like most Americans — or at least like the ones who didn’t already know about it because of losing a job, or losing their insurance, or having their adult son run up from the basement to tell them what he just saw on Twitter.”

Obama Extends Benefits to Non-Government Workers

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(2014-06-20) — As President Obama announced today that he’ll use executive orders to extend marriage benefits to same sex couples employed by the government and its contractors, the president surprised many by declaring he would give such benefits to another marginalized group.

Obama family

President Obama and First Lady Michelle took the girls for a walk recently to tell them that “Daddy’s going to give you government benefits for life, even if you don’t get a job in government.”

Under the draft plan, non-government employees — long treated as second-class citizens — would qualify for the sumptuous health care, pension, travel stipends, leisurely work pace and other benefits traditionally conferred only upon those who draw their paychecks from the U.S. Treasury.

“In America, we don’t discriminate against you because of who you worship, who you love or who you work for,” the president said at a White House news conference.

“This decision was very personal for Michelle and me,” Mr. Obama added. “We looked at our beautiful daughters and thought, ‘What if Sasha can’t get a government job? What if Malia winds up working in a factory or the service industry? Shouldn’t they be treated equally with their neighbors who are employed by the taxpayers?'”

Advisers admit the president’s views on government benefits for non-government employees have “evolved” during the past few years, and he wasn’t ready to go public with his new position, but an aggressively inquisitive White House press corps forced his hand.

In a vain attempt to prevent the news from leaking out, the White House communications office had confined Vice President Joe Biden to his residence, and locked down his Twitter account. But many Washington observers thought Mr. Obama tipped his hand with moves to extend unemployment benefits, raise the minimum wage and take over the private health care system.

Obama: Dump Costly Men, Hire Cheap Women

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Obama to Employers: Dump Men, Hire Women

President Obama signs an executive order, firing every male employee in the executive branch, to be replaced with “cheap, renewable women,” saving taxpayers millions of dollars this year alone.

(2014-04-10) — At a White House news conference today, President Obama encouraged employers to boost their profits by slashing expenses, or in his words: “Dump costly men, hire cheap women.”

“With women earning just 77 cents on the dollar compared with men,” Obama said, “they’re a real bargain, allowing you to move 23 percent of your HR budget straight to the bottom line.”

The president noted that, “Not only are women cheap and renewable, but they’re smart and they work hard, often doing jobs that no man would do. And some of them have even bigger biceps than their husbands.”

An unnamed economist at the American Woman Cooperative Marketing Board agreed.

“If women really earn so much less,” he said, “why would a business ever hire a man? All other things being equal, it makes no economic sense.”

However, a spokesman for Man Worker International noted that despite their proclivity to engage in risky after-hours behaviors and to die sooner, men are still a good deal.

“Sure, they cost a little more up front,” the spokesman acknowledged, “but men consistently put work before family, senselessly devote their lives to developing boring but useful expertise, and rarely get pregnant.”

Obama Reportedly Offered Sarah Palin Permit to Shoot “Wolves of Wall Street” from Helicopter

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Obama mulls permit

President Obama reviews text of a “presidential permit” that would have granted Sarah Palin the right to hunt “wolves of Wall Street” from a helicopter as a way to close the income inequality gap.

(2014-01-08) — As his economic recovery produced record corporate profits and a spiking stock market, but left millions of Americans unemployed or underemployed, President Obama reportedly considered granting Sarah Palin a permit to hunt from a helicopter for so-called “wolves of Wall Street,” according to an internal White House memo published today in the New York Times.

The revelation came shortly after Obama made remarks on the state of the economy yesterday, while standing before a backdrop of unemployed people who have been left behind by the recovery.

By leaking the memo, the administration sought to “assure middle-class Americans that no option is off the table in the president’s war on income inequality,” according to an administration official who was authorized to speak while preserving plausible deniability for the president.

“Everyone knows that nobody knows how find jobs for the millions bypassed by the Obama recovery,” the unnamed source said. “But the president understands that if you can’t close the income gap from the bottom up, you can certainly do it from the top down.”

Former Alaska Gov. Palin immediately took to Facebook to acknowledge that she initially welcomed the opportunity.

“There’s always fuel in the helo,” Palin wrote, “I’ve got Ted Nugent on speed dial, and we’re locked and loaded.”

However, Palin said her enthusiasm for the project waned when she realized the location was Wall Street, noting, “I thought they said K Street.”

Obama Demands Action on Temperature Inequality

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Temperature Inequality Map

President Obama said he’ll “focus like a laser” for the remainder of his term on “closing the vast gulf between warmest and coldest.” Temperature inequality, as shown on this map, reached 127 degrees in recent days.

(2013-01-06) — The growing gap between warmest and coldest is “the penultimate defining challenge of our age,” President Obama announced just hours after returning to Washington D.C. following a two-week vacation in Hawaii.

“If Congress will not move to stop temperature inequality,” Obama said, “then I will. Living in one of the more advanced nations in North America, we can’t wait for the end of partisan bickering to pass sensible regulations.”

Moments after stepping off of Marine One at the White House, the president said “there’s no time for delay, because the thermal gap has grown noticeably even in the past couple of days.”

First Lady Michelle Obama, who remained in Hawaii while her husband and daughters returned to the east coast, noted that temperature inequality has impacted average Americans’ relationships, making distant family members grow cold.

While some scientists questioned whether the gap has grown, and whether legislation can do anything about it, the White House said those researchers lack credibility “because they don’t receive federal grants very soon.”

Bargain Shopping Mars Black Friday Violence Hopes

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Shoppers standing in line on Black Friday

“Crushing” is how one disgusted man described his experience at this discount retailer in Idaho, as bored shoppers merely stood in long lines waiting to pay for their merchandise, despite hopes that frenzied bargain-hunters would spark bloodshed and mayhem.

(2013-11-30) — Thousands of people left American malls and discount stores disappointed yesterday when brawls, riots, stampedes, fisticuffs and gun-play failed to materialize despite the tremendous anticipation fostered by mainstream media sources.

“This is B.S.,” said one Wisconsin man who “left a comfortable bed to come out to the mall in the cold weather” but failed to witness a single incident of retail violence.

“It’s nothing but a bunch of people looking for discounted merchandise and then standing in line forever,” he said. “I should have stayed home and watched ESPN.”

Another man stomped out of his local Wal-Mart in disgust after “three hours of waiting for someone to throw an elbow or knock a widow to the linoleum, or something. Bunch of pansies!”

A spokesman for the American Federation of Retailers said its members did all they could to create bottlenecks in doorways, to narrow the space between racks and shelving, and offer to come-on pricing for items barely in stock.

“We can’t be blamed if tens of millions of people didn’t get hurt and didn’t hurt anyone else,” the retailing official said. “You can lead a shopper to bargains, but you can’t make her snap.”