(2005-11-11) — Moments after failing to muster enough votes to pass a $51 billion deficit reduction bill in the House, even after dropping a controversial oil exploration provision, Republicans moved to elect a New Hampshire lawmaker to the newly-created post of House Majority Minority Leader.
Rep. Charles Bass, R-NH, one of the progressive Republicans who blocked the belt-tightening measure and opposes drilling for oil in the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge, will receive the new title along with the responsibility of leading opposition to his party’s legislative agenda.
“It’s an honor to represent the members who call themselves Republicans, yet oppose much of the Republican platform,” said Rep. Bass. “The appointment of a House Majority Minority leader is an acknowledgement of the rich diversity under this big GOP tent.”
(2005-11-02) — Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, D-NV, who yesterday shocked Republicans by forcing a closed-door session, today said that if the Senate Intelligence Committee fails to issue a report condemning President George Bush and Deputy White House Chief of Staff Karl Rove he would “take more bold action.”
“I swear, I will chain myself to Cindy Sheehan until Bush and Rove are behind bars,” Sen. Reid said. “We’ll dowse ourselves with kerosene and stand at the White House gate singing ‘We Shall Overcome’ until our demands are met.”
The Nevada Democrat said the threat is part of a new Democrat strategy to “demonstrate that we’re the party of ideas.”
Sen. Reid said if the Cindy Sheehan idea doesn’t work, he’s prepared to begin a campaign of anonymous leaks to the news media suggesting that former vice presidential chief of staff Lewis ‘Scooter’ Libby single-handedly started the Iraq war as a way to get a more manly nickname.
(2005-09-30) — The National Abortion Rights Action League (NARAL) today praised an apparently pro-choice remark by former secretary of education Bill Bennett on his conservative radio talkshow yesterday.
On the nationally-syndicated ‘Morning in America‘ program, Mr. Bennett told a caller “…if you wanted to reduce crime, you could, if that were your sole purpose, you could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down.”
A NARAL spokesman today said she was “delighted to hear that Bennett is seems to be coming around to the pro-choice position, even if his remarks were taken totally out of context.”
“Although NARAL usually emphasizes the personal benefits of purging unwanted pre-human tissue masses from the womb,” said the unnamed source, “We realize that societal benefits are the icing on the cake.”
However, the spokesman added said she was “saddened by the racial element” of Bennett’s remarks.
“Our ongoing heartache has been the relatively low abortion rate among white women as compared with black women in America,” she said, “even though white women provide much of the funding for our efforts.”
(2005-08-06) — The National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) today said it would consider a proposal by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) to ban teams from using “hostile” animal mascots during its sports tournaments. The NCAA imposed a similar ban on teams with American Indian names this week.
“Hostile animal mascots reinforce species stereotypes,” according to the PETA proposal. “When children see snarling lions, tigers and bears-even if they’re just perky men wearing fur suits with gigantic foam heads-it creates prejudice against wild creatures which justifies continued discrimination and oppression. The emotional toll on these sentient beings is devastating.”
An NCAA spokesman said the organization will also consider a resolution at its next meeting to eliminate team names and mascots altogether, and to identify each collegiate sports team by a randomly-generated 27-digit number.
(2005-03-01) — Cable News Network’s decision to start accepting advertising from hard liquor distributors was driven “strictly by our high regard for journalistic ethics,” according to an unnamed CNN spokesman.
“We’re sensitive to accusations that our news coverage may have a certain slant or spin,” said the CNN source. “Our focus groups tell us that when you consume distilled spirits, that slant seems to straighten up and the spin reverses. We believe our news becomes more credible to those who enjoy these products in abundance.”
Reporters at other news organizations, however, were shocked by CNN’s linking of journalism with alcohol consumption.
“This is scandalous,” said one unnamed New York Times reporter. “Creating an association between professional journalists and liquor will do irreparable harm to our reputation for sober-minded analysis, and clear-headed reporting.”
(2005-02-16) — The U.S. Navy on Saturday will commission its newest nuclear-powered attack submarine, the Jimmy Carter, with many new features, including multiple-warhead Nerf missiles.
President Carter, who brought peace to the middle east, vigorously defended America’s right to give away the Panama Canal and, in 1994, convinced North Korea to abandon talking about its nuclear weapons, said he’s honored to have his name on “one of the most powerful peacemaking devices on earth.”
Jimmy Carter is the first of the American Seahare-class subs, featuring a high-tech sonar system which alerts enemy forces to its presence and a safety device on the Nerf missiles which allows firing only after an enemy missile impact.
“This new generation of nuclear submarines is designed to use trust in our enemies as our first line of defense,” said an unnamed Navy spokesman.
President Carter has invited leaders from North Korea and Iran to the commissioning ceremony, during which former First Lady Rosalyn Carter, in a time-honored Navy tradition, will give the first order to “man our ship, bring her to life then park her over there by the dock!”
(2005-02-15) — The National Hockey League, on the verge of canceling the season over a salary dispute with the player’s union, announced that negotiations would end today with a “bare-knuckle fistfight between the lawyers.”
Gary Bettman, the attorney who serves as NHL commissioner and Bob Goodenow, a lawyer and executive director of the player’s union, will “throw down the gloves” at an arena yet to be named. Tickets for the event have already sold out.
If Mr. Bettman wins, the NHL imposes a salary cap at 55 percent of revenues. If Mr. Goodenow wins, the players receive a 24-percent pay cut, but avoid a revenue-based cap.
The winner of the fight will be determined by the league dentist, who, incidentally, is the NHL’s highest paid employee.
No matter who wins, the NHL will continue to hone its marketing strategy “to entertain fewer fans at higher ticket prices until owning an NHL franchise becomes America’s best way to reduce taxable income and keep your name out of the papers.”
(2005-01-23) — As the clock wound down to the Eagles first NFC championship in four consecutive attempts, confused Philadelphia fans began booing an incompetent food vendor who dropped a hotdog.
“I felt sorry for the poor guy,” said one Conshohocken resident who witnessed the verbal assault. “Philadelphia fans are just so accustomed to booing at the end of the NFC title game, that when the Eagles won they had to vent on someone.”
The vendor escaped without injury, however, he said he’s still in shock.
“I thought they liked me,” said the man, still trembling. “It was always ‘Hey, Hot Dog man!’ They always seemed happy to see me. Then I drop one dog, and suddenly they’re on me like sauerkraut.”
(2004-12-24) — In another act that raised questions about whether Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is sensitive enough to lead U.S. war efforts, the embattled Pentagon chief visited troops in Iraq today in order to wish them a so-called “Merry Christmas.”
“This is like salt in the wound,” said an unnamed senate aide. “Rumsfeld clearly doesn’t want our troops to have ‘happy holidays’ or even ‘lucky winter.’ He insists on bludgeoning them, in a fashion reminiscent of Genghis Khan, with ‘Merry Christmas’ greetings. It’s a bigoted attempt to impose his religious views on his subordinates.”
The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) said a suit may be filed as early as Monday against Mr. Rumsfeld by its subsidiary, the American Military Liberties Union (AMLU), claiming that he used taxpayer funds in the ‘Merry Christmas’ wishing, thereby violating the establishment clause of the First Amendment of the Constitution.
An ACLU spokesman said the AMLU would have filed the suit today, but much of its staff is off for the Christmas holiday.
Asked to respond to critics, Mr. Rumsfeld said, “Christmas commemorates how God made the ultimate sacrifice by sending his only son to save the world through his suffering and death. I think even our troops who are not Christians can relate to that.”
