(2018-07-11) — The head of the NATO virgorously rejected U.S. President Donald Trump’s suggestion that the 69-year-old defense alliance is “obsolete.” The fiery reaction came in a terse telegram to Trump, received at the East Portico of the White House from a mounted courier late yesterday.

“NATO NOT OBSOLETE STOP YOUR REMARKS OF THE 10TH INSTANT NOT HELPFUL STOP WE DEMAND SATISFACTION STOP YOUR OBEDIENT SERVANT J.S.,” said the telegram from NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg, eldest son of Thorvald Stoltenberg, of the Oslo Stoltenbergs.

As the blistering telegram message crackled through the trans-Atlantic cable, Mr. Stoltenberg also dispatched his personal emissary aboard a Norwegian schooner. A crowd of courtiers saw him off with well-wishes, tearfully waving handkerchiefs.

Given favorable winds, the diplomat should dock at the port of Philadelphia before year’s end, then take a carriage to the White House to demand parley with the American leader.

Should Mr. Trump fail to issue an apology, the code of honor demands he face Stoltenberg in a wooded glen to settle the matter with sabres.