(2014-03-03) — Russian President Vladimir Putin scoffed at President Barack Obama’s suggestion that Russian troops invaded the Crimea region of Ukraine over the weekend, insisting volunteers went on a “mission of mercy” to retrieve stray dogs from Sochi.

“Obama knows nothing of our Russian compassion,” said Mr. Putin, as the former KGB boss suckled a rescued puppy at the bosom of his pet tiger. “The Olympic tourists disturbed our beloved freedom dogs, some of which ran far away, to Crimea.”

The Russian leader warned Mr. Obama to “stand down,” and stop threatening, because his forces would “remain in Ukraine until every last wandering dog is repatriated to the Fatherland.”

A Kremlin spokesman later added that Russian troops would also bring water back to Sochi, “water that is the color of clear.”