April 22, 2005
Bolton Roid Rage: Did Canseco Inject Nominee? by Scott Ott (2005-04-22) -- Republican members of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee revealed today that they have stalled the confirmation of John Bolton as U.N. Ambassador to investigate claims by Jose Canseco that the former Major League Baseball slugger had injected Mr. Bolton with steroids on several occasions. If Mr. Canseco's allegations prove true, it would help to explain Mr. Bolton's oft-reported bouts of rage, and perhaps engender sympathy from Senators who would see his anger as a medical issue rather than a personality defect. In addition, it would provide Congress with another welcome opportunity to engage in America's national legislative pastime, which is probing steroid abuse. The revelation would likely put an asterisk in the history books next to Mr. Bolton's accomplishments in the State Department, Justice Department and U.S. Agency for International Development under three presidents. A State Department spokesman denied the steroid allegations and said, "Mr. Bolton's temperament is all natural -- a healthy, manly reaction to the environment within the federal government." "If he didn't get angry with preening bureaucrats from time-to-time, then we might suspect he was on drugs," said the unnamed source. Donate | More Satire | Printer-Friendly | |
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