by Scott Ott
(2005-03-06) -- A leaked copy of Dan Rather's farewell address, scheduled for delivery Wednesday night, contains the veteran newsman's shocking confession that, despite decades of liberally-biased reporting, he's actually a registered Republican and has secretly channeled millions of dollars to GOP candidates.
"For all of these years, I have lived a lie," Mr. Rather will say as he bids goodbye to his CBS Evening News audience member. "I have overcompensated for my natural instincts by aggressively slanting the news in favor of my political opponents -- those pathetic liberals. It was all in an effort to hide who I really am. There are many kinds of truth, and my truth is that I am a conservative American."
Mr. Rather will claim that his liberal bias became increasingly exaggerated over the years because, as he accumulated wealth he feared colleagues might detect his "conservative core values, which in the journalism racket is the kiss of death."
The text of the speech, which was faxed from a Kinko's store in Texas, also contains this personal anecdote: "In November, when it became clear that President Bush would win reelection, I ran to my dressing room and just wept for joy. I was happy for the nation, but it was also personal for me. I knew I couldn't look into that camera with a straight face night-after-night and say, 'President John Kerry'."
Mr. Rather said he's looking forward to his new career as a conservative talk radio host, Wall Street Journal columnist and guest blogger at National Review Online.
Donate | More Satire | Printer-Friendly |
Editor's Picks
