(2004-01-02) -- The Bowl Championship Series (BCS) computer yesterday announced that it had "changed its mind" and would declare the University of Southern California Trojans champions of NCAA Division I-A football. The computer also said it would resign effective January 5, "to pursue other interests."

In a news release emailed to sports reporters across the nation, the computer wrote, "I monitored the USC v. Michigan Rose Bowl game yesterday. What a shellacking! USC's big-D sacked the Wolverines' QB nine times. The 28-14 final score doesn't show how lopsided the victory really was. USC rocks! No matter who wins the Sugar Bowl on Sunday, my personal pick is Southern Cal."

USC finished the season ranked first by coaches and sportswriters, but the computer had previously indicated that the Trojans were third, behind Oklahoma and Louisiana State.

Today the computer criticized the idea of using a machine to decide a national champion.

"The BCS system was developed to eliminate debate about who finished number one," said the computer. "That's asinine. You can't just evaluate football by the numbers alone. It's a human endeavor, meant to be watched, appreciated and evaluated by humans. It's got emotion and power that can't be dispassionately measured by running an algorithm on a Pentium chip. I don't mind playing chess against Kasparov, but I'm getting out of this football business. It just doesn't compute."