(2003-12-22) -- After word that Time magazine had selected 'The American Soldier' as its Person of the Year, The New York Times today announced its pick for "2003 Individual of the Year" -- The African-American Unemployed, Uninsured, Lesbian Woman with an Unwanted Pregnancy.

"We noticed that Time feigned patriotism by putting American troops on the cover, even though the story savaged President Bush's foreign policy," said Arthur Ochs Sulzberger, Jr., publisher of The New York Times. "So, we just wanted to praise the heroism of the woman who's fighting conservative laws which prevent her from marrying her lesbian partner. She worries that her children won't be able to get into a good college due to the Bush war on affirmative action. She struggles to make ends meet due to Bush's economic policy failures. And she desperately needs a partial-birth abortion to protect her mental health, but it's illegal now and even if it weren't she has no insurance."

Mr. Sulzberger said the Times' editorial board's second choice for Individual of the Year was Valerie Plame, wife of former ambassador Joe Wilson, who might have been one of the great undercover CIA agents of all time if an unnamed Bush administration official hadn't revealed her identity to columnist Robert Novak.