(2003-12-15) -- U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced that today's foreign policy speech by Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean has made America "measurably safer."

"I get continual updates on the security status of our nation from the CIA, FBI and our own internal analysts," said Mr. Rumsfeld. "This afternoon there was a measurable increase in safety within minutes after Mr. Dean began to deliver his speech."

Experts attribute the jump in the so-called American Safety Index to "the soothing character of Howard Dean's voice, combined with his deep understanding of global geopolitics and military affairs."

"Even though Howard Dean is not yet the commander-in-chief," said one unnamed expert. "The slightest hope that he might be one day just makes Americans feel safer."

Mr. Rumsfeld praised Mr. Dean and noted that the speech came just in time.

"Other than catching Saddam, we really didn't have any other plans for making America safer," he said.