(2003-12-08) -- Aides to Democrat presidential hopeful John F. Kerry say that their candidate will be "in the thick of things" after the January 27 New Hampshire primary if Mr. Kerry "can still fog a mirror."

"As long as his body is above room temperature it will be a win for Kerry," said campaign spokesman Michael Meehan. "On the heart monitor, we're looking for a wiggle above flatline. No matter what the ballot box numbers are, if Senator Kerry is still breathing on January 28, he's still in the hunt as far as we're concerned."

While campaign aides previously said New Hampshire was a "must win" for the Massachusetts junior senator, they now point out what a tiny percentage of the nation's population lives in the "granite state."

"When you look at the size of New Hampshire, it takes a lot of temerity to even call it a state," said Mr. Meehan. "It's really a pathetic little fringe colony. No wonder Howard Dean is ahead by 30 points in the polls. They don't even have an NFL franchise -- sad."

Mr. Meehan added that Iowa and South Carolina should not be consider "all that" either.

"We're in this to win the nomination," he said. "These ridiculous little so-called state primaries are just an annoyance on the way to the Kerry coronation in Boston."