(2003-11-10) -- The United Nations today announced it had found no evidence that Iran is producing nuclear weapons or crude oil.

"We have been told this by Iranian government officials," said a U.N. spokesman, "and if anyone ought to know, it's them. They've been cooperating with us in a most congenial manner."

After an exhaustive inspection process, the U.N. also said it found no evidence that anyone in Iran practices Islam, wears a burqa or speaks Farsi. A team of United Nations experts continues to search for evidence of kebab.