(2003-09-18) -- AOL Time Warner today dropped 'AOL' from its corporate name and announced that America Online will soon be withdrawn from the Internet and converted to a print publication.

"I love the smell of soy-based ink in the morning. It smells like victory," said CEO Richard Parsons. "We've had enough of this media synergy buzzword nonsense. Our business doesn't exist to create some new paradigm for the next millenium. Time Warner Inc. is devoted to making real profits during each fiscal year. Dead trees are the future. The sooner we get America off line, the better it will be for our company and our nation."

AOL: The Magazine will include thematic sections like fashion, sports and lifestyles, as well as origami 'pop-up' advertising.

"And if readers want to so-called 'chat' or 'instant message'," Mr. Parsons added, "they can pick up a phone and call someone."