(2003-09-16) -- The National Education Association (NEA) today proposed revisions to President Bush's 'No Child Left Behind' program.

The new plan, called 'Virtually No Child Left Behind,' guarantees that reading and math proficiency standards will be met by all children except those with...
-- mental disabilities,
-- low-income parents,
-- language difficulties,
-- persistent sore throats,
-- topical rashes,
-- freckles, or
-- high-water trousers.

The NEA plan also exempts "fat kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on rocks, tough kids, sissy kids, even kids with chicken pox".

"Given the proper metrics and rubrics we can demonstrate that tax-funded, federal government-regulated, union-operated schooling is better than any of the alternatives," said an unnamed spokesman for the NEA.