(2003-09-10) -- In the wake of a report faulting American history books used in public schools for their lack of balance, textbook publishers today announced several major revisions.

Starting in the fall of 2004, textbooks purged of "raging patriotism" will be available for public schools.

The new books will include the following information:

-- The Puritans came to American looking for Indians to slaughter.
-- The American Revolution was a terrorist uprising against a legitimate government. It sparked a pandemic of so-called 'democracies' worldwide which have ruined the prospects for a 'people's Utopia'.
-- The so-called 'Founding Fathers', when debating the Constitution, failed to consider the feelings of homosexual Latino abortion-advocating animal rights proponents. Therefore, the Constitution does not apply to anyone who disagrees with it.
-- The Supreme Court exists to keep church away from state.
-- The first amendment guarantees free speech, but not freedom to refute those who exercise free speech.
-- The so-called "establishment clause" restricts the federal government from establishing any religion other than secular humanism.
-- The "right to keep and bear arms" applies only to employees of the government.
-- The United States got into World War II to protect future access to Volkswagen Beetles, angel-hair pasta and Japanese audio devices.
-- If it were not for the Watergate break-in, George McGovern would have won the presidency in 1972, and by 1974 he would have taught "the world to sing in perfect harmony."
-- American industrial imperialism is the only reason why Esperanto failed to become the global lingua franca.