(2003-09-05) -- U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld today proposed that France lead a United Nations force to stabilize Iraq and prepare the nation for so called "self rule."

"This was our plan all along," said Mr. Rumsfeld. "The French and Germans have been pretending to oppose us in Iraq. I can show you documents where Jacques Chirac and Gerhard Schroeder agreed to behave like sniveling self-interested ninnies before the war. Then, once we had achieved victory, they would act like arrogant rat snakes, until the U.S. pretended to care about world opinion. Then we'd all join hands, sing Kumbaya and send in the blue helmets under the baton of Kofi Annan."

Mr. Rumsfeld said the plan was designed to "eject Saddam Hussein and install a puppet democracy welfare state then hand out oil franchises like AOL CDs to Security Council members."

The Defense Secretary described the plan as "an unmitigated success."