(2003-07-31) -- The New York City public school system announced today it will keep all students in school until they qualify to graduate, no matter how long it takes.

The announcement comes after a New York Times story which claimed that some academic underachievers are secretly forced out of school, although they don't show up in official dropout statistics.

Currently, the schools can retain a student until he's 21 years old, but that rarely happens. Under the new guidelines, all students will remain in high school until they pass the Jethro Bodine Assessment, which evaluates a learner's abilities in "readin', writin' and cipherin'."

"We only have these students for six hours per day for 12 years," said unnamed spokesman for the city's public schools. "That's just not enough time for many students. We plan to ask the federal government for funding to build dormitories at many of our high schools, including housing for married couples with children."