(2003-07-31) -- Now that the United States has captured the Iraqi oil fields, President George Bush encouraged all Americans to "go get an SUV, or one of them monster pickups, or even a Hummer."

"There's no reason to suffer in a cramped compact car anymore," said the President, who arrived at a Rose Garden ceremony driving a Chevy Silverado SS with six barrels of Iraqi crude in the bed. "This is part of my plan to jump-start the economy. Take your tax cut and use it toward a downpayment on a $45,000 truck. What's good for General Motors is good for the nation."

Mr. Bush went on to chastise critics who say the Coalition has found no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

"We've found millions of barrels of the stuff. You want to see some mass destruction, just light up an oil derrick," he said. "Not only is it flammable, it's a toxin. Can you say Exxon Valdez? If you spill even a little gasoline near the pump, they have to call the EPA in to remediate it. This oil, in the wrong hands, could ruin a city's water supply. Now that we own it, it will be used only for good...good off-road four-wheelin' that is."