(2003-07-28) -- Presidential candidate John Kerry announced today that he will donate "a substantial portion" of his campaign war chest to his party's underprivileged, minority and female presidential candidates.

"It's not right that a few fat cats should have all the wealth," said an unnamed Kerry campaign strategist. "If the Democrat party believes in anything, it's that money should be redistributed by politicians from the wealthy to the needy. Senator Kerry is just walking the talk."

Likely recipients of Sen. Kerry's largesse include Al Sharpton, because he is black, Carol Moseley-Braun, because she is a black woman, and Dennis Kucinich, because he's just poor and hopeless.

"The rising tide should lift all boats," said the strategist.