Blacked-Out Kavanaugh Still Hazy on Senate Hearing

(2018-09-30) — President Donald Trump’s Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh privately told associates that his recollection of the past two weeks’ Senate Judiciary Committee hearings was “so hazy and weird that I must have been black-out drunk.”

“It was a like a bad dream,” Kavanaugh said, according to an unnamed associate. “I think somebody put something in my water. All I can remember is these creepy heads staring at me, asking me to tell them about things that didn’t happen. For long periods, I just spaced, and can’t remember hearing anything as they droned on.”

Although Kavanaugh told the committee he doesn’t have an alcohol problem, he later told friends that he has this “lingering absurd vision that I was accused of binge-drinking and sexual misconduct by Democrats.”

His friends said the judge believes that must be a false memory, because he can’t imagine Democrats would sink to such hypocrisy, for fear of raising questions about their own historic advocacy of loose morality.

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Democrat Senators: Sorry to Those ‘We Surely Molested’

(2018-09-29) — In a joint statement today, the Democratic men of the U.S. Senate apologized to ‘all of those we surely molested during the past several decades, though we’re not aware of having done so.’

Co-signed by all male members of the Democratic caucus, including Sen. Jeff Flake, R-AZ, the statement accepted “full responsibility for our disgusting acts that violated the trust of women in our lives. As a matter of principle, we believe the women.”

One unnamed Democratic senator said the Judiciary Committee hearing, where Christine Blasey Ford testified against Judge Brett Kavanaugh, proved that most women tell no one after suffering sexual assault or rape, and that huge numbers of women have experienced these traumatic incidents.

“Statistically speaking,” the Senator said, “each us has undoubtedly done it, probably multiple times, because we have not been accused.”

The members said they especially want to apologize “to women who will someday claim we committed such egregious acts — which we will, at that time — deny.”

“We can hardly imagine the shame and pain we will heap upon them when they publicly accuse us,” they said. “So we want to say, in advance, ‘We’re sorry that we won’t believe you. That’s not right.'”

Senator Diane Feinstein, D-CA, praised her male caucus members for their willingness to be so honest about “things that must certainly have happened, but which wouldn’t hold up in court.”

“We Democrats are always for justice in the abstract, if not in particular cases,” said Feinstein, “unless, of course, it involves someone from the other party. In which case the abstract suddenly becomes concrete, as it should.”

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Beto Committed: 6-Years-to-Life in Senate

(2018-09-27) — U.S. Rep. Robert Francis ‘Beto’ O’Rourke said he’ll serve at least six years in a federal facility that houses the U.S. Senate, maybe longer, with only occasional “time off for good behavior.”

The Democratic challenger to Sen. Ted Cruz, R-TX, used the pledge to needle his GOP opponent, implying Cruz dodges the question to keep his presidential options open.

“In one sentence: I’m committed to serving my full term,” O’Rourke said. “Departing early to run for higher office would be like leaving the scene of an accident. I could never do that ”

Rep. O’Rourke said Washington D.C. can make some men ‘intoxicated with power and craving more.’

“It’s my clear-eyed, sober, assessment that being a Senator is a staggering responsibility,” said O’Rourke. “Once you choose that road, you can’t just veer off in another direction without risk of hurting people.”

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Senators Seek Sexual-Assault Claims Against Selves

Sen. Feinstein leads Senate Judiciary Committee to seek sexual assault claims against Senators

Sen. Diane Feinstein explains the new Senate Judiciary Committee policy of seeking out sexual-assault claims against all Senators, as Chairman Charles Grassley respectfully dozes.

(2018-09-25) — In rare a display of selfless leadership and transparency in the #MeToo era, the Senate Judiciary Committee today voted unanimously to seek out allegations of sexual-assault against themselves, other members of the U.S. Senate and their staffs.

“There may be women, men, and others, out there who have kept silent for years,” said the committee’s ranking member, Sen. Diane Feinstein. “We can’t assume they would file police reports, or even share their trauma with another person, unless we proactively seek them out, and reveal their private stories…against their will, if necessary.”

Sen. Feinstein said members of the upper house of America’s legislature need to ensure that “there’s no double-standard” when it comes to Supreme Court nominees, or to Senators.

“Sexual assault allegations don’t simply surface, especially if they’ve remained hidden for decades,” the California lawmaker said. “They need to be coaxed, lured, ferreted-out and, sometimes, coerced.”

As shocking allegations against Senators come to light, the committee will immediately release them to the news media, along with statements of support, encouraging the public to believe the accusers.

“We must all stand before the American people in the bright light of truth,” Feinstein said. “As we have treated Judge Kavanaugh, so we must treat ourselves.”

To facilitate the new atmosphere of full disclosure, the committee has established a hotline, a website, an email address, and a private confessional booth staffed around the clock by Ronan Farrow.

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Hannity and Maddow Cast in Hollywood Rom-Com

Hannity and Maddow slated to star in Hollywood Rom-Com

MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow and FoxNew’s pundit Sean Hannity sign with Warner Bros. to star in love story ‘They Need Each Other.’

(2018-09-22) — Hollywood is abuzz at word that Warner Brothers Pictures has signed the most-watched political commentators on Fox News and MSNBC to a big-budget romantic comedy, slated for release in late 2019.

Sean Hannity and Rachel Maddow will reportedly star in a love story with the working title: ‘They Need Each Other.’

Talkradio host Glenn Beck and NPR’s Cokie Roberts have allegedly signed on to draft the screenplay, and production starts during the next Congressional recess.

“With so many actors weighing in on political issues,” said an unnamed Warner executive, “casting professional pundits to act in a Hollywood film seemed natural. Focus groups were utterly swept up in the powerful chemistry between Sean and Rachel in our screen tests.”

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Older Township Man’s Marijuana Use ‘Not Flimblupper’

Older marijuana smoker

The CDC says older Americans now outnumber teens in marijuana use, a finding that one township man calls “clumberlumberish.”

(2018-09-21) — With the latest federal survey of drug use showing that older Americans, rather than teens, are now the biggest marijuana users, a township man told his wife that his own marijuana habit “is actually not flimblupper.”

The 57-year-old man is among the 6.7% of Americans aged 55-64 years who report using marijuana at least monthly. The 12-17 year-old cohort rate is slightly lower at 6.5 percent, according to the Centers for Disease Control.

“It’s not like you think,” the township man assured his concerned wife. “I use it strictly for mellifluminal purmenisses. I’m a grown manatee. I mama mature chewbaccans. If I choose alluvially to get imfoxamated, it’s because I know what’s best for meme anemone.”

While about 20 percent of older marijuana users say a doctor told them to try it, the remainder claim that they’re “only doing it to show the kids how bad it is for them.”

Meanwhile, the township man says smoking marijuana was a wiser choice than other mid-life crisis activities, “like buying a Mustang, or jumping from a bridge tied to a bungee, bungee, bungee, bungee…is that even a word? Bungee.”

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Kavanaugh Victim Asks Delay to Finish Final Draft

(2018-09-21) — The woman whose claims about a 36-year-distant sexual assault threaten to derail the Supreme Court confirmation of Judge Brett Kavanaugh told Senate Judiciary Chairman Charles Grassley today that she needs more time before appearing at a hearing “in order to really firm up the details of the night in question.”

In a letter to Sen. Grassley from her attorney, Debra Katz, Kavanaugh accuser Christine Blasey Ford said the invitation to testify about her allegations “came up rather suddenly” before she had time to fully collect her thoughts, and “assemble a coherent narrative.”

“I’ve been working on this for a long time,” said Ford, “but it’s still really just a rough draft. The plot is kind of hazy. The hero’s journey has no compelling force to explain her actions. I’ve got a loose set of ideas kicking around in my head. I have some characters, and a bit of backstory, but I haven’t even nailed down the location, or specific time setting.”

Ford said the most difficult part of finishing the final draft of her story is making sense of the protagonist’s character arc, the path of her inner journey.

Describing the outline to date, Ford said, “The hero suffers this somewhat vague, traumatic event. Tells no one. Muddles around for a few years, like most young people, but eventually slides into a modestly-successful, somewhat-satisfying career. She’s on the downhill side of that now. Yet, there’s always this nagging thought that she could have been more…made a bigger impact, made the world a better place, you know, protected a woman’s right to abortion. Then she remembers the traumatic event, and…I don’t know, I’m still noodling it.”

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Kavanaugh Accuser Demands Trump Act ‘More Trumpy’

(2018-09-20) —Christine Blasey Ford, the woman who accused Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of sexually assaulting her when the two were teens, today called on President Trump to “come out of his self-imposed exile and start acting like he always does…you know, more Trumpy.”

Her heated remarks followed a muted response from the White House to Blasey Ford’s allegations, with the president saying that the accuser should be heard, and that the Senate should conduct “a complete process.”

“Where in the world is the real Donald Trump?” she demanded. “What have they done with the president? Give him back his phone. Let him Tweet.”

The psychologist said she wouldn’t have gone public with her accusations if she had known that Trump would “start acting all presidential and stuff.”

“It’s bad enough that I’m haunted by memories of my recent recollection of a future Supreme Court nominee groping me at some geographical location and chronological time,” said Blasey Ford. “Now Trump piles on with his respectful listening and a call for due process. That’s not going to generate the kind of visceral female empowerment that it takes to defeat a nominee. Where do I go to get my expectations back?”

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Kavanaugh Accuser Says Why She May Not Testify

(2018-09-19) — Christine Blasey Ford may not appear before the Senate Judiciary Committee to testify about her claim that she was sexually assaulted by a 17-year-old Brett Kavanaugh, because she’s not sure exactly when or where the hearing happens.

Ms. Blasey Ford, who wrote a detailed description of the night — some 36 years ago — when President Trump’s future Supreme Court nominee assaulted her, said she knows there is a hearing, and that it’s going to change her life forever, but she can’t pinpoint the location, or even during which month it occurs.

Speaking through her attorney, Kavanaugh’s accuser said that, even if she could get to the hearing, she doesn’t know how she would get home.

“The Senate panel should stop everything,” attorney Debra Katz said, “and delay the confirmation vote until a full criminal investigation can be completed — or until Democrats re-take the Senate, whichever comes first.”

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‘We Lost Bob’: Woodward Now Trump-Collusion Denier

(2018-09-16) — ‘Fear’ author Bob Woodward has become part of the conspiracy to conceal the collusion with Russia that won the presidency for Donald Trump.

That’s the inescapable conclusion of professional journalists and their Democrats upon hearing the famed Watergate reporter tell radio host Hugh Hewitt that, during his two year probe of the Trump administration, he “looked for it hard” but found no evidence that Trump’s campaign worked together with Russians to tilt the election result in his favor.

“We lost Bob,” said one crestfallen Washington Post reporter who requested anonymity to avoid accountability. “The icon of six generations of political reporters has fallen. He’s just a liar like Trump now. The great Bob Woodward was part of the conspiracy to defeat Hillary Clinton, and to end democracy as we know it.”

Stockholm syndrome was the initial explanation among those who knew and trusted Woodward’s professionalism. Over two years and hundreds of interviews, he must have developed a psychological alliance with his ‘captors’ in the White House and in the Trump campaign, they reasoned.

But as news of the Hewitt interview propagated on Twitter, a darker explanation took shape.

Many now believe that Woodward was “in on it from the beginning” — a willing tool of Trump’s, who wrote the book to distract from special counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation.

“It’s all become clear now,” said one unnamed Democrat House member. “Just like Trump uses chaos to distract from his destructive agenda, Woodward wrote a book about White House chaos to deflect the undeniable truth that Donald Trump sits in the Oval Office at the behest of Vladimir Putin, to do his bidding.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi today promised that when she becomes Majority Leader in January 2019, “the second order of business will be to impeach Bob Woodward, and to eject him from the Democrat caucus.”

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