(2003-08-26) — The United States delegation to six-way talks in China about North Korean nuclear weapons is hoping for “some really wacky stuff” from Pyongyang.
“For diplomats, talking with North Korea is like breakfast with Sam Kinnison,” said an unnamed envoy. “First they threaten to turn our country into a lake of fire, then they say they’ll get rid of their nukes if we let them take over South Korea. It’s really a riot. We like to bait them and see if we can get them to say even wackier stuff.”
The career diplomat listed some threats and promises North Korea might be expected to make at the talks in Beijing:
- We will unilaterally disarm, just as soon as we shoot all of our nuclear missiles into the gaping mouth of U.S. Undersecretary of State John Bolton.
- If you don’t let us build nuclear ICBMs, we’ll turn New York City into a sea of kimchee.
- We promise not to invade South Korea if you will appoint Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter as co-Presidents of the United States.
- Our Dear Leader, Kim Jong-Il, will incinerate Japan with laser beams from his eyeballs unless you give him a 10-year supply of Eskimo Pies.
- We demand Dennis Kucinich for U.S. President: Unconditionally.

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