(2010-06-15) — In his first televised address to the nation from the Oval Office, President Barack Obama will reportedly tell Americans Tuesday night that the ongoing Gulf oil spill crisis has him “paralyzed with fear, and feeling absolutely overwhelmed,” according to White House sources who have reviewed a draft of the speech.
“I’m really freaked out right now,” the president will reportedly state from behind his desk. “It’s a gusher, and there’s not a thing I can do about it. I feel like a failure. I want to scream or kick something, or eat an entire container of moose tracks ice cream at one sitting. Sometimes I just curl up in the fetal position and ask Michelle, or Robert Gibbs, to hold me.”
White House sources said the speech would not only lay out a clear plan for the continuing federal disaster response, and a comprehensive approach to U.S. energy policy, but would “connect with viewers emotionally in a way that only President Obama can do.”
“The phone keeps ringing — sometimes here in the Oval Office, but mostly on the golf course — and people expect that I’ll know what to do,” the president will say. “But I don’t know what to do. I’ve never had an executive job in my life. What do they want from me? I know I have to put on a brave face for the public, but sometimes I just can’t stop sobbing. You know what I mean?”
The president plans to tell the nation that he just needs “a little me time” away from the crushing demands of work, and he’s “thinking about renting an RV and just hitting the road, eating at truck stops, listening to country music and sleeping at KOA campgrounds.”
In related news, President Obama today announced he has “suspended indefinitely” his personal moratorium on cigarette smoking.
12 responses so far ↓
1 bondwooley // Jun 15, 2010 at 11:21 am
Very funny article - here's a short satire video on the same topic:
http://bit.ly/cGObyC
2 ScrappleFace // Jun 15, 2010 at 11:51 am
If you missed the last four years of Barack Obama's leadership track record, you can catch up by reading Scott Ott's new book, 'Laughing at Obama: Volume I'. Buy a copy or a case. Now available in paperback, and on Kindle and iPad.
3 Fausta’s Blog » Blog Archive » While Obama talks, Jindal acts // Jun 15, 2010 at 8:05 am
[...] a lighter vein, Scrappleface speculates about tonight’s [...]
4 boberin // Jun 15, 2010 at 12:24 pm
I can relate to how he feels…bummed…hold me, please!
Good stuff Mr Ott!
5 camojack // Jun 15, 2010 at 12:28 pm
"I feel like a failure."
Life imitates art…
6 onlineanalyst // Jun 15, 2010 at 1:57 pm
Give me an executive of action, not flowery rhetoric any day. Gov. Jindal takes the bull by the horns. http://gatewaypundit.firstthings.com/2010/06/gov-...
7 onlineanalyst // Jun 15, 2010 at 10:23 am
>With ObaMao's nonsensical six-month moratorium on off-shore drilling in the Gulf, oil companies plan to take their rigs elsewhere. Brazil's coast is their venue of choice. Who owns a chunk of Brazil's Petrobas? George Soros. To what company did ObaMao, via General Jones, commit a huge chunk of American dollars? Brazil's Petrobas.
The moratorium affects not only the oil industry but all ancillary businesses in the Gulf area. If people have no jobs, there is no need for restaurants, retail outlets, supportive manufacturing businesses, etc.
ObaMao is single-handedly destroying our economy.
Containment of the spew from the rig blowout is the responsibility of the federal government in federal waters. With delays caused by bureaucratic red tape and dilly-dallying and Captain Kick Arse's refusal to suspend the Jones Act in order to have foreign ships enter the Gulf to siphon the oil and ameliorate the ecological damage, he has used the incident to push his phony green agenda. "Never let a crisis go to waste"…especially if an AWOL government exacerbates the crisis.
8 onlineanalyst // Jun 15, 2010 at 2:59 pm
Enjoying your snowcone on the Mississippi beach, Comrade KickArse? We know that you are the puppet. Who is your puppetmaster? http://kingsjester.wordpress.com/2010/06/15/obama...
9 JamesonLewis3rd // Jun 15, 2010 at 3:53 pm
What a concept, eh?
The Democrat party-hearty is being cheered throughout the land—by itself and progressives throughout the world—for partying like it's 1999.
10 Upnorthlurkin // Jun 15, 2010 at 4:35 pm
I believe this is relevant….
11 survivalsupplies4u // Jun 15, 2010 at 7:08 pm
? Freaking out?
Give us a break nobammy, you're already a freak!
12 survivalsupplies4u // Jun 15, 2010 at 7:13 pm
Heard yesterday…
There is a new resturant in New Orleans. The specialty is "Fish A Tar-tar."
90% Tar.
Speaking of which load up and get the feathers ready!
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