(2010-05-03) — Federal authorities Monday announced that the merger between United and Continental had inadvertently created an air passenger carrier “too big to fly”, suddenly grounding all jets in both fleets.
The weight of the $3 billion all-stock transaction — which was intended to spark economies-of-scale allowing the new entity to undercut discount airlines — has instead created a behemoth that cannot lift off the runaway under Generally Accepted Aerodynamic Principles (GAAP).
“We always knew there was a theoretical threshold,” said an unnamed spokesman for the Federal Aviation Administration. “But computer models can only take us so far. United and Continental have just outdone Howard Hughes, creating a corporate Spruce Goose that will simply have to remain on the tarmac indefinitely.”
Meanwhile, on Capitol Hill, Democrats in Congress said they would introduce a bill this week authorizing a $73 billion bailout for the flightless airline conglomerate, and will, simultaneously, launch hearings to expose “the greedy corporate fat cats who have put the American taxpayer on the hook for another $73 billion.”
9 responses so far ↓
1 boberin // May 3, 2010 at 12:50 pm
Too big to fly? Like the "Spruce Goose" perhaps. That kinda, sorta flew though…a little bit
2 boberin // May 3, 2010 at 2:01 pm
Phoenix perhaps?
3 onlineanalyst // May 3, 2010 at 4:09 pm
The phoenix is a mythical bird. (There may be a lesson in that factor, however.)
4 boberin // May 3, 2010 at 4:12 pm
oooh, splitting hairs are we? Fine!
5 Hawkeye_R // May 3, 2010 at 12:26 pm
Sounds ripe for a federal take-over. The feds run the trains, the car companies… why not the airlines? Good line Scott… “too big to fly”. (:D)
6 onlineanalyst // May 3, 2010 at 1:56 pm
I guess that this new airline "that has planes too big to fly" can take its name from one of these other flightless birds:
Takahe
Kakapo
Weka
Emu
Brown Kiwi
Great Tinamou
Greater Rhea
Ostrich
Southern Cassowary
Penguins
Chickens
Is that what Rev-rund J. Wright meant when he claimed that "America's chicke-e-e-e-e-ns were coming home to roost"?
7 JamesonLewis3rd // May 3, 2010 at 9:56 pm
Not only is the Phoenix mythical but it can fly.
8 camojack // May 4, 2010 at 1:43 am
I reckon it's a good thing that I used up all of my United frequent flier miles in February, going to Hawaii…
9 captaingrumpy // May 8, 2010 at 1:44 am
How can a merger need a bailout ????The reason for merger was to give security and a backup to the industry. I have not heard that it needs a bailout.If so ,why merge.
I have noticed that the Democrats have already agreed to a bailout without asking any questions.Typical to think that the word bailout has become the accepted norm!
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