(2003-01-27) — The Dow Jones Industrial Average gained 27,432 points in heavy trading today on news that Sen. Tom Daschle, D-SD, will propose a bill making uncertainty illegal.
Investors, previously plagued with worry, instantly flooded the market with cash, buying up stocks now guaranteed to bring double-digit annual returns.
“I’ve studied the history of the stock market,” said Sen. Daschle, “and it always drops during times of uncertainty. As a Democrat, I believe there’s nothing you can’t change by passing a law. So, let’s whip uncertainty now.”

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