(2008-09-17) — Just hours after lending $85 billion to insurance giant AIG to protect financial markets from a cataclysmic bankruptcy, the Federal Reserve announced early today it would also bail out Howard Jameson, 52, of Beech Creek, Pa., because the local man is “simply too big to fail.”
Mr. Jameson, father of four, lost his job recently, sparking a liquidity crisis that could ripple through Beech Creek and beyond, hitting the bank in nearby Lock Haven that issued his mortgage, credit card giant HSBC and even a man down the road in Blanchard to whom Mr. Jameson still owes $200 for the used lawn tractor he bought in June.
“In a town the size of Beech Creek (population 717), the loss of even one resident’s income can have far-reaching effects,” said an unnamed Fed spokesman. “Of course the impact on his wife and children has been devastating already. We determined that Howard Jameson is just too big, too important, to fail.”
The Federal Reserve Board of Governors, with the full backing of the U.S. Treasury, decided to step in, making a secured bridge loan, and taking an 80 percent stake in the Jameson family house and their 2003 Ford minivan as well as the remaining equity in the lawn tractor. The move effectively gives the U.S. government control over the Jameson family during the two-year term of the loan.
12 responses so far ↓
1 mig // Sep 17, 2008 at 6:54 am
Bail?
2 mig // Sep 17, 2008 at 7:04 am
Conan finally said somethng funny:
The other day John McCain appeared on the show “The View,” and one of the hosts accused McCain of being a liar. She may have a point, because McCain started the interview by saying, “Ladies, you look beautiful.â€
3 gafisher // Sep 17, 2008 at 7:30 am
Jameson just booked a cruise for his whole family, the guy in Blanchard found the tractor in his front yard — broken — dragged back behind Howie’s new John Deere, and I don’t think I’ll ever get my hedge trimmer back.
4 Libby Gone // Sep 17, 2008 at 7:57 am
Say my (model) Railroad is bankrupt. I wonder if I qualify for a bailout?
5 Hawkeye // Sep 17, 2008 at 8:29 am
Maestro Scott… you must be a master carpenter since you hit the nail on the head so often!
6 gafisher // Sep 17, 2008 at 8:50 am
Of course, there are a few minor differences between the Jameson’s and AIG’s situations.
Howard Jameson lost his job when his employer, a nearby steel mill, was forced out of business by confiscatory taxes and overregulation. He was thankful to to find that five year old minivan when his former car was declared illegal due to new state environmental regulations. The fellow church member who agreed to let Howard make payments on his used lawn tractor did so because Beech Creek had enacted a mowing ordinance which outlawed “ozone-destroying” walk-behind mowers but, in deference to estate owners on the East Side, exempted four-wheeled mowers. (The Brother has already assured Howard he can wait for payment, though his job is also in jeopardy.) Meanwhile, Howard has begun a small business mowing those estates, being careful to put back the Obama signs afterwards.
Although Jameson and his wife homeschool their four children, their school taxes have risen rapidly over the past decade as the local Public School District was required to add facilities so that boys’ and girls’ athletics could compete in the same sports simultaneously. The additional costs incurred by required bilingual education and “health and gender studies” programs also added to the school taxes, which were exacerbated by the County Assessor’s determination that the Jamesons’ home was now worth more than three times what they had paid for it, though similar homes in the area were failing to sell for thousands less.
Howard’s new neighbors live in one of those houses, purchased for them through a grant from the Department of Social Services. They seem like nice people, though they don’t speak English so Howard hasn’t really gotten to know them yet.
7 camojack // Sep 17, 2008 at 9:18 am
Hey, the entire Beech Creek economy may depend on it!
8 R.A.M. // Sep 17, 2008 at 10:19 am
I almost did not read this story. When I saw it was about a “man too big-” I ASSUMED” it MUST be about Michael Moore.
9 gafisher // Sep 17, 2008 at 12:09 pm
R.A.M. Re#8 — Maybe you were looking for [this].
10 ep29030 // Sep 17, 2008 at 12:09 pm
R.A.M (#8)-you missed it: the article is about a man “to big to fail”-implying that he has not yet failed. That means it culd not possibly be talking about Michael Moore, a man who’s already a failure at truth in the visual arts..
11 mindknumbed kid // Sep 17, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Too big to fall could mean that the man is so obese that should he lose his balance all he would do is roll down the sidewalk, and if it is on a grade the entire town could be in peril. I know this is not about Howard Jameson, I know Howard Jameson, he lives in Brentwood, California and he is pushing 90 years of age. Obviously this is about Michael Moore, and not my Uncle Howard!
12 R.A.M. // Sep 17, 2008 at 6:49 pm
gafisher: I have NOT been to the movies in YEARS, but I do plan on seeing that movie on the first day it is out!
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