(2007-10-22) — Just days after author J.K. Rowling publicly revealed that a fictional character in her Harry Potter series was secretly a homosexual, U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald today empaneled a grand jury and vowed to find out who ‘outed’ Dumbledore, the imaginary headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Mr. Fitzgerald is best known as the prosecutor who spent two and a half years, and millions of dollars, failing to identify who outed Valerie Plame as a CIA spy, although he knew the names of columnist Robert Novak’s sources before the probe began.
“I’ll leave no stone unturned, and spend whatever it takes to get to the truth,” said Mr. Fitzgerald. “Mr. Dumbledore’s covert lifestyle was essential to his role as headmaster, even though his sexual preference never entered into the storyline. His work has been irreparably compromised by someone, and I’m devoted to punishing that someone to the fullest extent of the law.”
In related news, Ms. Rowling today confessed that the characters in her Harry Potter books, including Harry himself, are “totally fictional”, and that everything in her books is fabricated.
“Like Dumbledore,” she said, “I have been living a lie, just making up stories from whole cloth. There now, I’ve said it, and I feel much better.”
39 responses so far ↓
1 Ms RightWing, Ink // Oct 22, 2007 at 9:59 am
As a side note I watched the pathetic liberal hogwash interview with Valerie on 60 Lies, er Minutes. Every time the interview got close to the truth it would go into a Blame Bush Mode. I think FOX could have done a better job. I think Gretta is suppose to tear into her notes tonight
2 woodnwheel // Oct 22, 2007 at 11:46 am
First!
First we had Watergate; then Whitewatergate; then Plamegate; now Pottergate!
3 its-just-me // Oct 22, 2007 at 11:59 am
Wow - second!
I’m heartbroken.
It’s like finding out about Santa Clause.
4 Digital Brainwaves » Blog Archive » Fitzgerald Vows to Find Who Outed Dumbledore // Oct 22, 2007 at 12:12 pm
[...] usual, Scott Ott brings the funny on ScrappleFace today: Just days after author J.K. Rowling publicly revealed that a fictional [...]
5 gafisher // Oct 22, 2007 at 12:27 pm
At least this time Fitzgerald’s investigation of a fictional event will have some basis in fiction.
6 mig // Oct 22, 2007 at 12:38 pm
Well, I have heard it said that all the good guys are gay. Or the great ones are queer. Or gay guys have great taste in clothes. And gay guys all have hard bodies. And the gay guys are all so stylish.
7 Just Ranting // Oct 22, 2007 at 12:55 pm
Gay seems to be such a harsh word these days with so many negative stereotypes. Wouldn’t it be more politically correct if we all agree to refer to him as exuberantly cheerful instead?
8 Just Ranting // Oct 22, 2007 at 12:57 pm
As in the exuberantly cheerful Rosie O’Donnell?
9 EXT // Oct 22, 2007 at 1:49 pm
Dumbledore always seemed a bit liberal.
Liberal is equivalent to “red” in the sense of communist leanings and “pink” is a shade of red which is often associated with homosexuality and socialism (socialism being a paler shade of communism).
This develops into liberals being predominantly homosexual though excellent at concealing their true nature. Perhaps we should be warning children to avoid cars with Democrap candidate bumper stickers for fear……
Gotta excuse the leaps of logic; too much exposure to TV network news over the weekend.
10 Fred Sinclair // Oct 22, 2007 at 2:02 pm
Just Ranting Re #6: My shelves are laden with books, the titles of many begin with “The Politically Incorrect Guide To……” My most recent addition is “The Politically Incorrect Guide To GLOBAL WARMING and Enviornmentalism” - Without doubt it is worth every cent I paid for it.
The Bible calls them Sodomites so I reckon that’ll be good enough for me.
Heirborn Ranger
11 boberinyetagain // Oct 22, 2007 at 2:03 pm
EXT, as with most things it’s those that profess the most irritation with something are really the ones to watch the most carefully.
Now then, what group has the biggest issues with homosexuals….?
12 woodnwheel // Oct 22, 2007 at 2:11 pm
Ms. RightWing: Are you sure you mean Greta? Isn’t her top story going to be the latest on either Natalee Holloway’s disappearance or that Stiles guy out in Nevada? (If you don’t know who Stiles is, don’t worry — you don’t want to know.)
13 Just Ranting // Oct 22, 2007 at 2:44 pm
Bober re: 11
Now then, what group has the biggest issues with homosexuals….?
Gee, I don’t know. Redneck Muslim Healthcare workers? Nazis? Gays who want to be heterosexual? Hmmm, …no wait…you wanted me to say Christians didn’t you? Near as I can see Christians hate the sin but love the sinner. You couldn’t be talking about them.
14 University Update - Harry Potter - Fitzgerald Vows to Find Who Outed Dumbledore // Oct 22, 2007 at 2:53 pm
[...] Efron Fitzgerald Vows to Find Who Outed Dumbledore » This Summary is from an article posted at ScrappleFace — News Fairly Unbalanced. We Report. You [...]
15 boberinyetagain // Oct 22, 2007 at 2:55 pm
JR, actually I was going for “conservative” Republicans. I was actually assuming that a true Christian would love his brother as himself or something along those lines.
That being said, it has been shown that some of the more vociferous preachers (and others in power) on the subject are actually a tad “light in the loafers” so to speak.
16 boberinyetagain // Oct 22, 2007 at 3:19 pm
It wouldn’t be the slightest surprise to find that Achmed of Iran was gay.
17 EXT // Oct 22, 2007 at 3:41 pm
Bobby, we be watchin’ yo pink alien-made car with those Hillary bumper strips! Don’ be seen near no elementary schools, y’hear?
18 Shelly // Oct 22, 2007 at 3:50 pm
Scott, this is fabulous, and insightful! I guess I never pondered the private thoughts of fictional characters before. Who knew?
19 antodav // Oct 22, 2007 at 3:53 pm
Well crap. Now I can’t read the Harry Potter books to my children. Damn you, Rowling, for ruining my most treasured novel series!
/scarcasm
Seriously-who really cares? The fanatical Christian fundamentalists who think Harry Potter preaches devil-worship or something might, but other than that, probably no one. She killed Dumbledore in Book 6 anyway. So does that make her homophobic, I guess? Whatever.
20 boberinyetagain // Oct 22, 2007 at 4:14 pm
This is nearly as silly as worrying about what Rush, Imus, Mahr or Stern has to say on any given subject.
Anyone that has time to get worked up about anything like this has far too much time on thier hands and far too little on their minds
21 boberinyetagain // Oct 22, 2007 at 4:34 pm
abra—-
22 Gotcha // Oct 22, 2007 at 5:07 pm
If that gives you comfort, keep repeating it, bob…you know, Rush is just an entertainer…yeah right! He’s responsible for more dhimmie chicanery coming to light than anyone in your lame-stream media! I have lib (pinko) friends who chuckle uncomfortably when they mention his name and always have to tack on the tired old “he’s a good entertainer” to any subject pertaining to him. I only object to comparing him to Maher, Stern et al…..they couldn’t carry Rush’s dirty underwear!! There’s just no comparison! Rush exemplifies the Great American Success Story!
23 Ms RightWing, Ink // Oct 22, 2007 at 5:37 pm
re:12
You are so right on Greta and that is why I never watch her program, but I thought that is what I heard. I will have to record FOX news this evening so I don’t miss whoever rips into her nonsense. Nearly half of her book was censored by the CIA so her clap trap is not going to make it to the book stands.
It was rather amusing when they brought up the Garbo style picture of her and hubby which made it to Vanity Fair. Oh, see she got yelled at by her boss at the CIA, but it did nothing to break their covering.
Sure. How much will you give me for the Bridge in Brooklyn?
24 Just Ranting // Oct 22, 2007 at 5:42 pm
Bober re: 16
As my 7 yr old daughter says, “Me too neither.”
25 prettyold // Oct 22, 2007 at 7:14 pm
Bober#20, So why are you getting allworked up about it every day?
You only quote every word Hillary cackles.
26 Darthmeister // Oct 22, 2007 at 7:31 pm
Fitzgerald Vows to Find Who Outed Dumbledore
I bet it was Valerie Plame. Besides, anyone with the name Dumbledore has to be gay.
bober, there’s a good chance Yassir Arafat was gay … or maybe he picked up AIDS from some monkey.
27 Darthmeister // Oct 22, 2007 at 7:41 pm
Now then, what group has the biggest issues with homosexuals? bober
Muslims, particularly the radical kind. But then folks on your side of the aisle fawn over Muslims don’t they? Something about a “religion of peace” I think.
More double-standards from the left: Remember, don’t judge Islam/Muslims on the basis of a few thousand beheadings, homosexuals disappearing throughout the Muslim world and Muslim women getting shot in the back of the head in soccer stadium every couple of months. But by golly, those fundie Christians who are trying to peaceful convert homosexuals by showing them the error of their way through reasoned debate … WHAT AN OUTRAGE! IT’S A HATE CRIME I TELL YA!
Way to go, bober, engaging in a little bit of hatefest yourself, eh? Of course you can afford to act the way you do toward us because you know we aren’t really like the stereotypes you have of us and we aren’t going to run your IP address to the ground, look you up one day and blow your infidel head off your shoulders. Besides, your posts are like one hand clapping anyway, absolutely inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.
28 camojack // Oct 22, 2007 at 8:22 pm
So, a fictional character is secretly gay?
Wow. Hey, if the author says so, I guess it’s true. Now I’m trying to figure out why I should care…
29 Ms RightWing, Ink // Oct 22, 2007 at 10:17 pm
Camojack
You shouldn’t.
Next we will find out Prince Charming was gay, after all he ran around in tights and flowery boas
30 RedPepper // Oct 22, 2007 at 10:41 pm
What group has the biggest issues with homosexuals? Why, the same group that has the biggest issues with people of color … and with people who actually want to express their religious convictions … or with people who actually try to express any opinions other than the “conventional wisdom” that the MSM doles out every day.
That group would be the so-called “liberals” …
31 Darthmeister // Oct 22, 2007 at 11:27 pm
Actually I thought the whole Harry Potter world was pretty gay.
32 Darthmeister // Oct 22, 2007 at 11:36 pm
Naw, Ms. RightWing, Prince Charming wasn’t gay he was just a little effeminate. At least he was interested in women.
Next we’re going to hear how one of the seven dwarves was gay. My money is on the dwarf Happy. Get it, Happy … gay? I bet some enterprising pointy-headed wacademic with a metaphor-in-films class finds enough material like this to guarantee his job security for the next twenty years.
Now Rowling has me wondering if Felix the Cat was gay, too.
33 KMDowney // Oct 22, 2007 at 11:40 pm
So Ms. Rowling says Dumbledore’s gay. Fine…it’s her character…she can define him however she wants to. Since she didn’t exactly go out of her way to “out” him in the novels, it’s kind of amusing that she brings it up now, several months after the release of the final volume in the series. If she’s so into “tolerance,” maybe revealing Dumbledore’s sexual preference in, say, Book 5, would’ve done more for that cause. But whatever.
What I wonder is, how many other famous literary characters were actually envisioned by their creators to be gay, though just as closeted as Dumbledore was? I’m betting Hamlet was totally gay, for example. I can’t point to anything in particular to suggest that he was gay, but I’ll bet if you got Shakespeare (or Sir Francis Bacon, for those who swing *that* way), he’d probably tell you that Hamlet was totally hot for Claudius.
34 Connecting News, Commentaries and Blogs at NineReports.com - // Oct 23, 2007 at 4:54 am
[...] about at Fitzgerald Vows to Find Who Outed Dumbledore - scrappleface, - Last Updated - 3 minutes ago Follow This Story Change Your [...]
35 Fred Sinclair // Oct 23, 2007 at 6:32 am
Philadelphia has ther own hate crime dodge.Going back to 1928 the Boy Scouts have paid $1.00 a year to use a city owned building for their meetings.
Now after 79 years, the city has voted to punish them for refusng to allow homosexual Scout Masters, Beginning May 31st their “New Rent” will be $200,000.00 per year.
I e-mailed the Mayor and I think he needs some more letters from those who disagree with the city’s action.
From: Fred Sinclair
Date: October 20, 2007 10:52:43 AM GMT-04:00
To: mayor@phila.gov
Subject: Brotherly Love
Dear Mayor;
I’m sorry to learn that you have Joined the Ford Motor Company in promoting homosexuality. But have you noticed the value of the company recently?
But then I guess it’s to be expected - all of you homosexuals really stick up for each other, don’t you?
Does “The City of Brotherly Love” mean that you are also promoting incest between brothers in families?
At the least, your homosexuality should not be forced upon others, especially upon those young boys in the Boy Scouts of America.
These young boys have more important things to do (like growing up) before they fall prey to your maggot gagging lifestyle. Can’t you at least leave these young boys alone, instead of trying to saddle them with one of your homosexual buddies as a “Scoutmaster” For the sake of Jesus Christ (Who you detest, hate and abhor) please let them grow up first!
The very last thing these boys need is a Sodomite Scoutmaster teaching them how to bend over a fallen tree while on an overnight “Camping Trip” in the woods.
The one thing you have succeeded in doing is to guarentee that my contributions will go directly to The Boy Scouts of America - and not one penny to “United Way”.
36 onlineanalyst // Oct 23, 2007 at 8:04 am
Interestingly, Pat Santy discusses contrasting societies’ unhealthy indoctrination of behavior in youngsters in a thread yesterday about metrosexualism and jihadism: http://www.drsanity.blogspot.com/
Some key paragraphs:
Contrary to the usual marxist propaganda, it is not capitalism that is encourages the use of immature psychological defenses, but life itself. But, it is capitalism and the capitalist system that offer a healthy channel for the redirection of negative psychic energy into something positive for both the individual and the group at large.
Something, I might add, that marxism, socialism and all its malignant variants completely fail to do. In fact, what they encourage are the use of unhealthy defenses (acting out, reaction formation, denial, projection, displacement to name a few) which, because such defenses are suboptimal and even self-defeating in the long-run, do nothing to improve the lot of either the society at large, or the individual unlucky enough to be living in it.
Societies, like individuals, can adopt mature defenses and deal with reality; or they can deny reality and look elsewhere for the source of their problems. Many countries, like individuals, prefer to put the blame for their own failures onto an outside source, since that is safer for the self-image. In order to maintain the fiction that their problems are caused externally, a group or country or culture needs to indoctrinate children at the earliest age possible in order to make sure that their cognitive faculties are short-circuited and won’t question the ideology or dogma.
A “healthy” country, like a healthy individual will utilize mature defenses to cope with their aggressive and/or sexual impulses. They are not afraid of their aggressive impulses because those impulses are reigned in by reason and not indulged in lightly. They are able to find pleasure and satisfaction in their sexual impusles, not by indiscriminantly indulging in every pleasurable urge or whim, but by harnessing that sexuality to values that promote true intimacy and happiness.
Healthy societies do not encourage either sexual or aggressive (i.e. violent) acting out in their children. On the contrary, healthy societies encourge responsible sexual behavior and appropriate and realistic compromise and accommodation of others.
Methinks that Fitzgerald was projecting her own version of PC on her readers, in her imagination and after the fact of publication.
If you have ever had the displeasure of listening to literary academics explicate great works, You would leave the room with a hoot of derision as I have done in the past. These “intellectuals” earn academic accolades by publishing papers that impose their own” value” system onto the pieces under study. The mental gymnastics involved say more about the scholar than they do about the work of literature.
What next? Little Women as a work about a family of incestuous lesbians?
37 always right // Oct 23, 2007 at 8:32 am
Please, how many here believe Plame's story (her secret operative status) in the super secret mission of preventing Iran from getting nukes?
Yeah, I thought so. Joe Wilson you can put your hands down now.
38 ref // Oct 23, 2007 at 11:21 am
I only saw the first movie. It was not very memorable. Which one is Dumbledore?
(At first I thought it said DumbleGore.)
39 Oh no…another Merry Fitzmas…. at Amused Cynic // Oct 24, 2007 at 3:01 pm
[...] Scott Ott is on the story: 2007-10-22) — Just days after author J.K. Rowling publicly revealed that a fictional character in her Harry Potter series was secretly a homosexual, U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald today empaneled a grand jury and vowed to find out who ‘outed’ Dumbledore, the imaginary headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. [...]
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