(2002-11-07) — An American source within the United Nations released the final draft of the Iraq resolution, which is expected to be approved Friday. The carefully-worded resolution satisfies the United States, as well as the previously reluctant nations of France, Russia and China.
The following is the actual wording of the resolution, according to a U.S. diplomat who served on committee which drafted it:
“WHEREAS the government of the Republic of Iraq has repeatedly ignored previous U.N. resolutions, and
WHEREAS Saddam Hussein is obviously a certifiable whack-job, and
WHEREAS, given half a chance, even his own mother would bust a cap in his derriere, and
WHEREAS the Russian delegation supplied the beverages for our all-night resolution-drafting sessions, and
WHEREAS the United States is going to disarm Saddam with, or without, the U.N., and
WHEREAS the French and Chinese want to make it look like they care about the persecuted Iraqi people, but they don’t want to louse up some sweet business deals with the Iraqi government, and
WHEREAS Saddam owes Russia $10 billion, unsecured, and
WHEREAS even Ditech.com won’t give Saddam second mortgages on his seven palaces, and
WHEREAS….now, where were we? Oh, yeah…whereas the media will never report the details of this resolution because they’ll focus on who won-France or USA-like it’s some kind of Olympic luge competition, and
WHEREAS the U.N. is pretty desperate to find a raison d’etre…
THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED THAT Saddam must eliminate all weapons of mass destruction in Iraq (which he won’t), without delay (which he will), or the U.N. (really the U.S.) will teach him the definition of the word Hellfire.”

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