(2006-04-12) — To demonstrate its peaceful intentions in the wake of its latest breakthrough in uranium enrichment, the Islamic Republic of Iran today announced that by 2010 it would have enough nuclear power plants to provide all of its own energy needs. It will then start donating its oil and natural gas to poor and developing nations in Africa and elsewhere.

“Allah, the great and powerful, has granted our prayers for cheap, abundant nuclear energy which we’ll use to power homes, businesses and all vehicles,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Amadinejad. “As we achieve our goal of becoming independent of our own natural resources, our gentle ways will be evident to the whole world.”

Experts noted that a glut of free oil to third world countries would depress prices around the globe — a welcome turn of events for Europeans who now pay the U.S. equivalent of about $6 per gallon for gasoline.

French President Jacques Chirac said Iran’s announcement provides “a successful, if unexpected resolution” to three years of European negotiations aimed at preventing Iran from developing the technology to make nuclear weapons.

Rumsfeld Scoffs at Attack Speculation
Meanwhile, at the Pentagon, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld scoffed at suggestions that U.S. military planners are preparing a strike on Iran’s nuclear facilities.

“That’s just wild speculation,” Mr. Rumsfeld said. “I have no specific plans in my hands at this very moment to hit their nuclear facility at 33.3 degrees North latitude, 51.55 degrees East longitude. We have not decided to penetrate that location with a 4,637 pound GBU-28 laser-guided bunker-buster bomb carrying 630 pounds of high explosive, and capable of cutting through 100 feet of earth or 20 feet of concrete before detonation.”

“So,” Mr. Rumsfeld said, “let’s stop the irresponsible speculation and focus on a peaceful negotiated settlement, shall we?”

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