(2006-03-10) — Dubai Ports World, the Arab state-owned firm that recently bought control of six major American sea ports, today gave in to pressure from Congress and agreed to sell its U.S. operations to Arkansas-based Wal-Mart Stores.

The giant retailer’s CEO, Lee Scott, immediately addressed lawmakers’ concerns about security by announcing that blue-vested Cargo Greeters would be stationed at close intervals on docks, piers and tug vessels.

“While the ship captains will see these jovial, elderly folk as ambassadors of courtesy,” said Mr. Scott, “they actually have been trained in our stores to spot suspicious activity and to make sure criminals never leave the parking lot. In addition, we’ll provide them with weapons training in preparation for this new assignment.”

In other words, he said, “if you’re trying to move WMD through a Wal-Port, you may be surprised to learn that in addition to smiley stickers, Granny’s got a Glock.”

The Wal-Mart chief noted that because Cargo Greeters won’t have company-paid health insurance, “they’re highly-motivated to win the war on terror — to shoot first and ask questions later, rather than risk an expensive visit to the emergency room.”

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