(2005-06-16) — Supporters of a proposed slot-machine emporium near the Gettysburg Civil War battlefields promise that the new casino will offer the greatest tribute yet to those who, in President Lincoln’s famous words, “gave their lives that that nation might live.”
An unnamed spokesman for the planned gaming operation said, “Mr. Lincoln told his Gettysburg audience that ‘in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground’…but Mr. Lincoln never saw the rows of magnificent gleaming slot machines, the joyful expressions on the faces of blue-haired women and the opportunity to go from welfare to wealth that our customers will find at ‘Four Score Slots and More’.”
The source noted that without the “family entertainment” provided by slot machines, “Gettysburg is nothing but fields of bones and monument stones.”
Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell, former chairman of the Democrat National Committee, last year spearheaded the effort to legalize slot machines as a way of increasing funding to public schools.
“Our public school graduates lack basic knowledge of mathematics,” said Gov. Rendell. “Which is why we think slot machines will be such a hit with Pennsylvanians.”
In related news, the Governor is also promoting a bill to increase the state-mandated minimum wage from the current $5.15 per hour to $7.15. Democrats hope that much of that pay hike for the least-educated workers will find its way into the slots, and thus into the campaign coffers of Democrat candidates who will return to Harrisburg to implement their progressive social policies.
“It’s a beautiful circle of life,” said one Democrat state senator. “Gambling opponents say you can’t get something for nothing, but that’s because they don’t serve in the state legislature.”
