(2005-05-19) — In an effort to involve the public in stopping one of the most serious terrorism threats to the nation, the FBI today released a profile of the typical person associated with animal rights violence and eco-terrorism.

The agency has 150 pending investigations of such people, and in the past six years the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms has opened 58 probes of violence attributed to the Earth Liberation Front (ELF) and the Animal Liberation Front (ALF). Although no humans have been killed, the government estimates property damage at $110 million in the past decade alone.

The FBI urged Americans to call its 800 number if they notice any of the following suspicious behaviors associated with potential eco- and animal rights terrorists:
- Any person standing near an abortion clinic protesting the humiliating use of leashes on dogs.
- Anyone wearing a shirt or trousers made of hemp.
- Persons not employed in the lumber industry who come home late with sap stains on the collar, or with the lingering aroma of redwood.
- Persons who visit animal shelters and pet stores just to comfort the “inmates.”
- Anyone who refers to the local S.U.V. dealer as ‘the great satan’.
- Women whose faces look puffy or blistered from wearing caustic makeup not tested on animals.
- Any person with a large, visible tumor who refuses to have it removed out of ’solidarity’ with laboratory rats.
- Persons who sign up for tractor-driving lessons and pay cash.
- Individuals who speak nostalgically of the days when dairy cattle roamed the plains of Wisconsin, before ‘the talking monkeys’ locked them up in ‘internment camps’ and forced them to produce milk on demand.
- Anyone who uses the term ’sentient beings’ as a synonym for ‘livestock’.
- Anyone seen weeping at the grocery store, near the lobster tank.

“We’re asking the public to be our eyes and ears on the streets to help us hunt down and bag these terrorists,” said the unnamed FBI spokesman. “We need to cut the head off this beast — and by that we mean the funding sources.”

Senator James Inhofe, R-OK, accused People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) of providing funding to both ELF and ALF. However, an attorney for PETA denied the accusation.

“PETA rejects violence as a legitimate means of effecting change,” the unnamed lawyer said. “We prefer the more credible technique of democratic persuasion through public nudity, or by dressing up like animals and vegetables and chanting slogans.”

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